


Heart of A Saint, Eyes of A Sinner.

by LennyChild



Series: Tony Stark Going Through It. [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A Lot of Issues, Avengers Tower, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Clint Barton Is a Good Bro, Freeform, Gen, Hurt Tony Stark, I Love Pepper Potts But She's Going In This Fanfic, Im Just Gunna Fuck Tony Up In This One, Italian Tony Stark, Maria Hill & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Maria Stark's A+ Parenting, My First Fanfic, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Nick Fury Swears, Nick Fury is Not Amused, Pepper Potts Dies, Phil Coulson & Pepper Potts Friendship, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Snarky Jarvis (Iron Man movies), The Ten Rings (Marvel), Thor (Marvel) is Not Stupid, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Has Daddy Issues, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Still Has Arc Reactor, Tony Stark-centric, steve rogers is a sweetheart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 41
Words: 39,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22371319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LennyChild/pseuds/LennyChild
Summary: Tony Stark believes existence is meaningless. If one cannot live with pride, they should die with it.He is a man of many words, many creations- gleaming, seemingly overflowing with pride. Tony Stark makes sure he is heard. The son of Howard Stark is always heard.But no one listens to his desperate calls for help.
Series: Tony Stark Going Through It. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610422
Comments: 142
Kudos: 175





	1. Golden Conversation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Tony vibin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dead ass just Tony and Steve vibing at 5 in the morning and talking with Tony being a lil shit

Tony is desire. Tony is tragedy. Tony is the lilt in your lover's laughter. Tony is the dirt they march across. Tony is the moon at night. Tony is the sun at day. Tony is the despair you feel when an old friend dies. Tony is the beginning. Tony is the end.

Yet...

Tony is nothing.

* * *

Fuck. He stayed up all night. Blinking away the insistent feeling of drowsiness, Tony pushed away from his work desk and his vision blacked out for a second but that's alright, he's alright. Shit what time was it? It had to only be four in the morning. "Jarvis, time?" Ugh, his own voice sounded so scratchy and weird. He needed some water. Scratch that, he wanted coffee. Coffee's better.

"It is currently five forty three, sir. Might I ask why you are still awake at this time?"

"No, you may not." Tony hummed out. "And please don't mother-hen me on about my sleeping schedule. It's extremely tedious.

"Perhaps it is, sir, but not getting at least seven hours of sleep isn't healthy for the average human body. The last time you had a full night's rest was when-"

"Sorry, J. I can't hear you over the sound of your whining." 

A mechanical sigh. "Very well, sir."

Walking through the automatic doors, Jarvis closed them at Tony's heels right after he stepped through. "Jesus, Jarvis- are you trying to chop off my ass?"

No response. Great. The silent treatment. Tony huffed quietly. "Big baby."

Heading inside the elevator, the walking flashlight pressed a button and waited; leaning against the smooth steel interior.

 _Christ,_ he needed some coffee. 

The elevator doors opened and Tony made a beeline towards his sweet, sweet beautiful coffee maker. He may not be religious but coffee has to be some sort of blessing, no doubt. Brewing the coffee, Tony let his mind drift out of the grasp of reality. He thought about everything and nothing, equations filtering through his head and quite frankly giving him a headache. This sucked, everything sucked- Tony wanted peace of mind, even for a second. Just for a secon-

"Tony?"

Tony looked away from the brewing coffee, stifling a snort of amusement when he saw Steve's tired expression and ruffled hair. "Hey, it's my favorite frozen treat!"

"Don't say that, it sounds weird. But what are you doing up so early?"

"I could say the same thing to you."

Steve sighed. "I usually wake up at this time, Tony. Did- did you get any sleep last night?"

"Sir has not slept in fourteen hours, Captain Rogers." Jarvis said matter-of-factly.

"Snitch." Was Tony's only reply. "I'm fine, Rogers, really. I just want some coffee. I'm open to make some for you."

"No, thank you." A shift of his legs. "Coffee doesn't-"

Tony cut him off. "Serum, yeah yeah." Waving his hand, the shorter man changed the subject. "Did you just come here to silently judge me?"

"Of course not, I like watching the sun rise from the kitchen."

"Wow. That's.. Surprisingly wholesome. Good on you, Capsicle." Smirking at the quiet scoff Steve let out, Tony poured the coffee into a cup. "Do me a solid and pass me the creamer?"

"You should really go to bed, Tony."

"I'm not tired." 

"If you aren't tired then you don't need coffee."

"What type of reverse psychology bullshittery are you playing at, Cap?" Tony grumbled, slapping away Steve's hand lightly when it reached out for the coffee. "Mine."

Steve let out a noise of surprise. "Did..Did you just slap my hand?"

"Yes, yes I did. And I'll do it again." Tony pointed at the fridge. "Creamer, please." He smiled to himself, watching Steve go into the fridge and grab the sweetener. 

Adding it to his coffee, Tony felt the taller man practically boring a hole into the back of his head with his eyes. "I'm not complaining, but why are you staring at me?" He turned to face Steve, leaning against the counter.

"Sorry, I just- I want to understand you."

"Come again?" 

"You confuse me, that's all."

"I get that a lot." Tony walked past him, going into the living room and sitting on the sofa. "I don't need to open up myself just 'cause you're our team captain or some shit. Whatever you think about me, I'm cool with it."   
  
"Ah, so then you are hiding things?" That made Tony chuckle, downing half of the coffee. 

"That's for me to know, doll." 

"Alright, Tony. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me, okay?"

Tony gave him a peace sign, messing around with schematics on a nearby tablet. "Have fun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> teehee first fanfic please leave feedback :')


	2. River Filled With Thorns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony defuses explosives then proceeds to get knocked out by rubble :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha i have no clue what i was doin in this chapter guys I-

The rain can wash away the dust..

But it can't wash away your sins, Tony.

It never will.

* * *

Tony wandered up to the rooftop after two hours. The sun had risen and the tired man found himself staring at the horizon- it would've been peaceful, but this was New York and car-horns blaring every second ruined the atmosphere. Tony missed the quiet hours he had back when his mother used to take him to Italy when Howard was on business trips. She would point up to the sunrise- purple, blue and red on every spectrum mixing together to create a beautiful gradient.

" _Qualunque cosa tu faccia, mio dolce ragazzo, non dimenticare mai di tenere la testa alta."_

_"Mamma?"_

_Tony, only seven at the time, looked up at mamma with those innocent, golden Bambi eyes. He didn't understand, he was too young. Maria assured him gently that he would understand once he became older. With complete trust, Tony simply nodded, leaning against her chest and closed his eyes. This was nice; Away from the bustling and loud noises from the city- the change of pace was practically heaven for the young boy. Nothing could ruin this. Just him and his-_

"-ir! Sir, I implore you to get up!" Jarvis' voice cut through Tony's daydreaming, leaving him ruffled. "What? What is it, J?"

"The alarm to assemble has gone off, sir. I have prepared the suit."

Tony cursed quietly, the blaring of the alarm finally getting processed in his brain. "Shit, thanks J. You're a lifesaver. Suit me up, bud."

* * *

Steve looked up, seeing Tony shoot down down from the sky and clumsily land. "What's happening?"

"You're late." Was Steve's response. "What were you doing?"

"I'm here now, yeah?" Tony shrugged. "It's whatever."

"It's not, really. What if something happened?"

"Stark here's now. Just send him out to scour the attack zones and stop wasting time." Natasha chimed in, sending a glare at the armor-encased man. 

Steve nodded, giving Tony an expectant look. The man in question simply groaned, flying back into the sky and going ahead.

"Jarvis, scan for any disturbances. Surges of anything, gunpowder- things of that sort."

"Scanning.." Jarvis replied.

Tony hovered around. Everything seemed normal, nothing out of place. It was as peaceful as New York could get. Something wasn't sitting right. 

"Sir, there are five advantages set up to be attacked. I've also found multiple ingredients for Semtex and C4." 

"Wait, what?" Five locations. They were one short of a team member, Thor had more family issues to deal with back up in Asgard. That left five. Five locations, five teammates. When would they explode? Shit, was there multiple in one place? Tony can't work on multiple bombs unless-

"Stark, you got anything?" Clint was calling him from the comms. "You've been up there for a while."

"J said there was a bunch of ingredients for C4 and Semtex and there's five locations. I don't know if there's bombs bunched up together in one spot or if they're spread out." Tony landed next to Clint. "Hell, I don't even know if they're going to go off soon. Five locations- there's five of us. It evens out. It's up to you Cap'n Crunch." Giving a sarcastic salute to Steve, Tony took off his helmet. "We're practically running blind here. The most realistic option is to just go back, give me a few hours to work with the information I got and we head back here."

"And what if they go off?" Bruce frowned, nervously twisting around the dress shirt he was wearing. "It'd be devastating, Tony." 

"Yes, I know that. But like I said before, if we act now we'd probably fuck it up more if we have no clue where to go."

"Tony, it's our jobs to prevent catastrophes like this. We can't walk away-" Tony _tsked_ , giving him a sly smile. "I never said to walk away, Jolly Green. Just asking for a few hours so I can get more stable information."

"Sir, I am glad to report that I have found two locations for the previously mentioned explosives." Jarvis drawled out. "I will send you the coordinates." 

"See?" Tony patted Bruce on his shoulder, giving him a smug smile. "This is why Jarvis outranks all of you losers." Putting back on the Iron Man helmet, he let out a quiet wince.

The coordinates lead right to two large office buildings. There was at least fifty people in both buildings. Okay, that's fine. Tony can work with that.

* * *

Tony could not work with this. 

Sure, he found the bombs. But whoever constructed this was a goddamn mastermind. They could've done the classic 'follow this wire, don't cut this one' trope but nope, nothing in Tony Stark's life could be simple. He never saw a bomb set up like this. The wire's all looked the same, all black and all looped together. Steve had enough brain cells to evacuate the two buildings with Clint's help. He sent Tony and Bruce out, one building for one person. "Bruce, what does yours look like?"

"A mess, really. Everything looks-"

"The same, yeah. One wrong cut and things go boom boom." Tony scanned the wires. "This guy's slick."

"You used to make weapons. Shouldn't you at least have an idea on what to do?" 

"I'll figure it out eventually. Wires are wires, that's all." He didn't listen to what Bruce said next. "Jarvis, help a guy out. Where's the weakness in this damn thing?" 

"Sir, if you were to cut the wrong wire, it would set off a chain reaction." Jarvis explained. "They are remotely detonated but it appears I cannot find the signal."

Tony groaned. "Okay. Going with my gut."

"Sir, I recommend against that for multiple reasons." He cut off the A.I "I'm doing it. Tell Brucie I'm cutting the shortest wire. "

"Sir!-"

* * *

Tony went with the shortest one, quickly cutting the wire. Tensing up, he waited for the probably inevitable. Nothing. "Huh, would you look at that. I'm proud of myself." Picking up the bomb, Tony left the basement. He met back with the others, holding up the bomb. "Did it." He hummed out, dropping it quite carelessly on the ground.

"Stark are you actively trying to constantly kill us?" Clint took a wary step back. 

"Cap would yell at at me if I said yes." He joked, hearing Natasha scoff from the left of him. "Aww, Itsy Bitsy are you mad at me?"

"You get more exhausting more and more, Stark. Barton isn't making it any hurt."

Tony fanned his hand at Natasha, dismissing her comment. "Here comes Brucie-Bear." 

Bruce set down the explosive way more gentle than Tony. He was talking to Steve and everything seemed fine. Honestly, Tony saw this as a waste of time. Sure, if they detonate it'd be horrible but he could've just went himself and got it over with. He could've done so many updates in the time it took to do this.

"It's beeping." Clint said sharply, interrupting whatever conversations were happening. "Stark, why is it beeping?"

"Christ, how the hell am I supposed to know that?" Approaching the beeping noise the bombs were emitting, he was stopped in his tracks. "Don't go near them." Steve ordered sharply. "It could go off." He shook off the light grip the other man had on his wrist. "It's fine Spangles. I cut the wire, everything's good." Just as suddenly it began, the beeping abruptly stopped.

"See? Red herring." 

Something in the far distance went off. A plume of smoke spread out into the blue sky. Once the first went off, two more did the same- dampening the mood. 

"Star-" Natasha tried get out her sentence but Tony cut her off with a "On it." Taking off into the sky. This wasn't good. "Jarvis, what happened?

"Someone knew that you've tampered with their plans, sir. It caused a chain reaction." Tony cursed loudly. "And the other two?"

"Inactive, thankfully. The ones that did detonate, however, caused a highway and bridge to collapse in lower Manhattan."

"Number of causalities?" Tony flew towards the closest smoke plume. "Twenty three and counting." And counting? Not exactly what he wanted to hear but if they were fast enough the number wouldn't go up. He landed on the remains of the highway and before he could even process the absolute destruction around him, gunshots bounced off his armor. Turning around, Tony raised up his repulsers. Before the man could even react, someone or _something_ pushed down rubble on top of his body. All he saw was black after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please for the love of tiddy leave feedback im runnin on two braincells and they argue with eachother


	3. The Dead Requiem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony basically being sad sad creature

Tony was knocked out, the rubble conveniently missing anything important he needed to live. Raising his arms, he groggily pushed off the large chunks of concrete that damn there buried him. Besides having a few bruises and a pounding headache, Tony was alright.

 _It could've been worse_ Tony thought. Survivors were evacuated so he had to have been out for at least fifteen minutes, maybe more. He was pretty ruffled, that's all he truly knew in his current situation.

* * *

It got worse. After the team sorted through the remaining rubble for stragglers, Tony got the indelicate scolding-but-also-your-alive talk by Steve and _he swears that he's going to shoot off his own ears so he can't hear Cap talk anymore-_

"Tony, are you listening?" A disappointed voice filtered through Tony's thoughts. He was stuck in SHIELD's helicarrier and to be frank he was not enjoying. "Yep, one hundred percent."

A doubtful look was sent his way. "What was I saying then?" Tony looked up from the mess of wires he made his gauntlet. "You were saying that I was being a bad boy. Shame on me, I know." Giving him a forged innocent look that practically screamed sarcasm. "Does this mean I can't get a gold star sticker?" Before Steve could respond with a confused answer, Tony ranted on shortly about how the helicarrier is impractical. "Does everyone choose not to remember-"

He almost choked on his words, a pang of fear and coldness shooting down his spine. Recovering himself swiftly, Tony flicked his wrist towards a random direction. "-New York? This shit was taken down in probably less than thirty minutes."

"I'm not here to talk about New York, Tony. I'm here to talk about you-"

"Bold move. Talking shit right in front of the person you're targeting. Bold move indeed." Before the shorter man could get another word out, Steve slammed his hand against the table. "Listen to me, _please_." Annoyment was in his eyes and Tony couldn't help but find it amusing. "Fine, don't get your spandex in a twist Cap'n." 

"You can't keep joking and changing the topic."

"Why not?" 

"It's irresponsible, that's why." Tony rolled his eyes at that response, setting down a screwdriver on the table. He wanted this conversation to end, to go back and keep working. "You know how much people died?" 

"Yes, I do. And it wasn't my fault." He replied coolly, moving past Steve and towards the doorway. He'll finish fixing the gauntlet later. "I couldn't have predicted this outcome. I'll figure out who did this, I just need time." Not waiting for another response, Tony left- leaving Steve in the workroom.

* * *

There was a swift meeting, Tony mostly being yelled at by Fury and being ordered to look more into the attacks and, yeah, he already planned to do that but now he didn't want to. Tony was sent back to the tower while the others were brought back to SHIELD headquarters. His head was beginning to develop a headache and that was the last thing he needed. Sitting down at his workbench, Tony lightly tapped a crombine tool on the table. He remembered how much he hated the silence. The cave in Afghanistan got eerily silent, despite his captives clanging away at things and yelling. Setting down the tool he had in his hands, he made Jarvis pull up the traces of the A.I mentioned earlier. Semtex and C4, the ingredients for it at least. But that was the best lead they had- other than the bombs being remotely detonated. Some of his bombs could be remotely set off, _killing off thousands in one second **-**_

Tony shook back the thoughts, continuing to work on finding at least a source on where someone could get all of these ingredients. A few shops sold them, he knew that much, but it had to be suspicious if someone brought _all_ the ingredients to an explosive. His headache was worsening the more he overthought this, his chest ached more than usual, everything ached more than usual. He couldn't breathe. The blood pounded in his ears. His heart thudded in his chest. His hands shook. His feet tingled. His vision disfigured, as if he were looking through a fish-eye lens. The quiet was getting overwhelming and _christ_ was he having a fucking panic attack? He couldn't, none of his triggers were ~~_he didn't have triggers_~~ around him, no one mentioned the attack on New York, this didn't make any sense. 

Curling into himself, Tony leaned his forehead on the coolness of the workbench, trying to get air into his already battered excuse for lungs. He could hear Jarvis calling out to him but he can't focus.

_Am I going to die?_   
  
_I think I'm dying._   
  
_Please stop. I don't like it when my body feels so out of my control, like I'm just along for the ride._   
  
_What even caused this?_   
  
_I don't know. I don't get it. I don't know._   
  
_Try to lay down and close my eyes, but I'm scared that I won't wake up._   
  
_Get up off the couch._   
  
_Pace. Pace, back and forth._   
  
_Almost over. I can feel it. You've been through these before. Every time you flew high into the air, remember?_   
  
_Yeah, but I wasn't flying. I was just sitting at home and suddenly it hit, for seemingly no reason._   
  
_I know. Just keep it together._   
  
_Chest loosens. Stomach is still tied-up, but not as bad. Take a deep breath. No air was getting down. Not a single breath was satisfying._   
  
_Emotional agitation subsides._

_She had one of these before, didn't she?_   
  
_Middle of winter, the house was colder than the weather but oh,_

_She was that one sliver of warmth._

_Until dad came home._

_An argument, wasn't it? It got bad and all you could hear from your bedroom was Jarvis trying to calm that poor woman._

_She couldn't breathe and neither can you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> toes, hand em over along with those feedbacks i so desperately crave


	4. Procrastinating? No, You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hes procrastinating so hard and acting like everything's fine  
> like me :)  
> finally dragged Pepper into this mess of a fanfic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tony? not being able to focus on one thing while working? surprising  
> what's more surprising is how much you can save by switching to geico
> 
> also; Capsicum is the scientific name for peppers teehee i got jokes am i quirky yet

Tony's headache got worse. The universe just hates his existence and he was willing to bet on that. He forehead was laid against the table and _hey wasn't he just standing a while ago_ \- "Jarvis? Time, please?" He groaned quietly. Three hours passed. It was three in the afternoon and the walking flashlight got back to the tower at twelve on the dot. He wasted three hours doing what? Dissociating after a panic attack? _You're_ _Ton_ _y Stark, you don't HAVE panic attacks, idiot._

 _Stark men are made of iron, all that jazz, remember?_ Tony thought to himself and yeah, sure, that sounds kind of unhealthy but he's _fine_ and everything's _fine_ and he doesn't need therapy, ~~ _Pep bad dreams just happen it's nothing serious, hon._~~ Tony worked and worked, ignoring the casual self deprecating thoughts that crept up his mind and disturbed his flow of thought and _h e y_ he should call Pepper. "J, baby boy, ring up Pep?"

"Of course, Sir." Tony flicked away some schematics, about to begin chewing at the skin around his finger and _wow_ that's a bad habit he needs to stop because one of these days he's going to nibble too deep and bleed all over the damn plac-

"Tony?" 

"Capsicum!" He got a joyful snicker for himself hearing Pepper's sigh. "What? There's no scientific name for Virginia for this is the best I got." The response he got was a lighthearted threat that held no malice. "Why're you calling me, Tony?" Ouch, straight to the point- blunt and no cushioning. "Can't I just call my favorite redhead?"

"You can, but when you call me you're usually in trouble or just trying to procrastinate."

"I am doing neither of those things, Miss Potts." 

"Oh? What are you doing right now?

"I'm in my workshop."

"Uh-huh."

"... _Lookingforbombingrediants."_

"What?" Tony said the last sentence he uttered more clearly, cringing away when Pepper scolded him for wasting time and calling her when he had actual important things to do. Tony let out a meek response that consisted of "Yeah, but I missed you and you're all the way in London." and some other mumbly words of him being lonely.

"Let's make a deal, okay? You do your job and don't get distracted and on my way home I'll grab you that apple pie you've been complaining that you wanted."

"Promise?"

"Yes, Tony, I promise. Will that be all, Mr. Stark?"

"Yes, that will be all, Miss Potts." Tony truly did not want her to hang up because he m _issed her and needed some human interaction so badly right now so please please don't go_ -

Jarvis let him know he ended the call and the overwhelming silence hit him in swiftly and almost made him emotionally keel over and holy shit did Tony hate the silence but he hates how his mind is constantly racing in thoughts and _crap_ he needs to be fucking working before he gets yelled at again. 

So he worked.

And worked.

...

This was dragging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall know what i want ;) (it's feedback, it be my lifeblood)  
> anyways my mom yelled at me to go to bed like four times when I started writing this but we out here messing up sleeping schedules periodt


	5. Downfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow a chapter about Steve who knew  
> certainly not my dumbass

Steve likes to think he's smart.

He's no genius, that's for sure, and his mind could never rival that of Tony Stark's but..

He has common sense, at least. But no amount of common sense could ever help him figure out the son of his late friend. If someone first told Steve that Tony Stark was just another cocky, narcissistic, vain asshole Steve wouldn't think twice about it. If he was to be told that now? Well.. He wouldn't know how to respond. Steve was smart enough to see Tony's uncomfortableness with certain topics. The man had trust issues, but he didn't know what his tell was.

It's not like Steve could go up and say _"Haha, how're you? Why are you so secretive and hiding all of your feelings?"_ Because not only would that be sudden, the two did not get off on the best foot- they're only just starting to barely get along. Was he overthinking this? Probably. But he oh, so desperately wanted to understand this man. Anyone can agree that Tony Stark had the aura of a wildfire, flames burning uncontrollably and consuming everything in its path and that scared Steve a little bit because he looked Tony directly in the eyes once and all he felt was cold. Perhaps even colder than the ice, perhaps not.

A man that seemed so full of life shouldn't have a gaze that held nothing. If eyes are truly the window to the soul, Steve's concerned. 

Steve could ask Pepper. She knew him longest, besides James Rhodes and Fury, he guesses, if Fury counts. 

He went into the ice caught up with almost everything. He left confused and concerned and now that Steve thought about it, it sounded stupid because he didn't even _know_ what he was concerned about. Steve didn't have anything to worry about but he would be lying if he said he never felt out of place. The _ ~~future~~_ present? Felt like a scratchy sweater that someone forced him to wear, whether he liked it or not. Steve didn't doubt he was lucky. The serum kept him alive for all that time and he left with barely a hair ruffled. A feat in itself, kind of, or just blind luck.

He thought he was lucky until he met the living headache that ranted so much Steve started finding it annoyingly endearing. It reminded him of Howard. ~~_He was desperately trying to hand onto the last breaking thread of his past_~~. Steve couldn't tell him that, Fury said it'd end horribly for both parties and the poor soldier didn't want to press any further. He's seen how Bruce handled Tony- a wild little kid on a leash trying to get his friend to share the same excitement and sometimes Bruce would keel over. But when he wouldn't? And Steve was unfortunately in the same room? Tony would sometimes try to explain to Steve on whatever got him so excited and _god_ Steve would get so confused there would be too much terms for the man to stay track off and when Tony would reluctantly use simpler words, he'd lose interest as quickly as he got it. 

Steve would be left feeling like an idiot. 

The wildfire spread to him and burnt the ice.

And some of his brain cells, he's sure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are yall enjoying this hot mess of a fanfic genuine question 😳


	6. Still Alive.. Kinda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony? Actually hanging out? With everyone else?  
> Very nice  
> Or is it? Haha jk...  
> ...  
> Unless..? 👀👀👀

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall will never, ever get a serious chapter summary  
> it's gunna be vague and dumb like everything in this story and thats on j a h

A day passed. 

Tony found the location and he was pretty proud of himself. _(Yes, Jarvis helped a lot but he deserves this.)_

The rest of the team, still minusing Thor, was back at the tower doing teaming things and, yeah, he felt sure pretty lonely being surrounded by mechanical shit and robots but hey can you blame him? 

He trusts Natasha as much as Tony would trust a rabid wolf with the ability to shoot a gun. So uh.. _not at all._ She backstabbed him, literally. Yes, it was to save his life but Tony realized at that moment he could probably never trust that suspicious red-head.

Clint was okay. They got each other's humor hand had a few laughs over stupid jokes they cracked. The banter both of them used was pretty cool. But he was spy and Tony, again, does not trust spies at all. The chances of Clint betraying him were still high, if you ever bothered to ask.

Thor, a god, literally. Thor was like a puppy being released into a dog park for the first time. Confused, lovable and idiotic about, as he says, "Midgardian stuff" when he went into Tony's lab for the first time almost broke Dummy's arm. He wasn't invited back. Tony could rely on Thor in battle but anything else? Cute, but no. He's a walking defibrillator and he did not enjoy that, especially when half of his stuff ran on electronics.

Bruce. A teddy bear with fangs underneath. Tony adored the man and Hulk was always fun to interact with it. He trusted the man with his lab and he appreciated his input on things he worked on. He's opened up to Bruce on two occasions but his explaining was so vague he left the scientist confused. So yeah, Tony trusts Bruce. Not with his life, absolutely not. He trusted him mutually.

Steve Rogers? Nope. Absolutely not. Tony doesn't care how blue his eyes are or how he is the equivalent of a Golden Retriever puppy who's just trying his best. Nope, nuh-uh. Steve Rogers will never, ever have Tony Stark's complete trust. The day that happens is the day he knows he's gone completely soft. Fuck that shit. Steve seems like he doesn't have a bad side, no moral dilemmas going on behind that skull of his and _hell no_ Tony doesn't want to even interact with someone like that. Fuck that _"The world is black and white, good and bad"_ bullshit. If that was the case he wouldn't be fucking sitting here with something that be used as a weapon of mass destruction sitting embedded in his chest, keeping shrapnel turning his heart into an unwilling shish-kabob. 

So, no. He does not trust the prized patriotic popsicle. Have a lovely day.

* * *

Tony knew this was a bad idea the second he stepped out the elevator into the lounge room and four pair of eyes turned their attention to whatever was on the television to him.

_Straight posture, stop looking nervous._

"It's a miracle, the prodigal son's alive!" Clint gasped sarcastically. "Interrupting the news! Just what I wanted."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt your show? I'll leave bird treats in the vents as an apology." Tony replied with equal sarcasm, dismissing Clint as he motioned towards the T.V "What're they saying?" 

Natasha chimed in and he could've lived without that. "They're talking about the bombings, тупица. What else would they be talking about? It's a screw up you did." 

"I wouldn't really say that.." Tony grumbled sourly and he _really_ didn't come up here to be verbally assaulted in russian. He opted to stay quiet and watch what they reporters were saying and haha, wow. 

They're still ruthless as all hell. They were indirectly directly blaming him for the explosions and failing at the only thing he was there to do and, yeah, okay. He's trying to take responsibility and make it better, _Karen._ So casually bashing him in won't make shit better. 

Bruce gave him a sympathetic smile and Tony shrugged because it's not like he can do anything about it. "Well as they very clearly use the first amendment. I have more interesting news." He told Jarvis to turn off the television, despite Clint's whiny protests.

"I found them." Tony pulled up the information via hologram. "They're in a warehouse in some remote place. Coordinates are-"

"We know how to read, Stark." Cold green eyes bore into his and Tony internally cringed. 

_Could've fooled me._ Tony wanted to say that but he valued his hands. 

...

He got dragged to SHIELD headquarters with Natasha to talk to Fury an hour later. He insisted that they just call the director but she wouldn't listen and apparently no one knew how to use phones in this day and age. Tony complained all the way there on why he had to be the one to come.

"Bruce could've went! He's smart and you actually like Brucie. What about Clint? He doesn't do anything but eat all of the granola bars!" Tony droned as the pair walked through the automatic door. Natasha shoved the man in front of her. That was his answer, apparently. Tony saw Fury staring down at the two from upstairs and haha, that's not creeping him out with his one black eye.

Not creepy at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall know what i be craving  
> Feedback and comments  
> stuff might be going down in the next chapter, as a lil treat  
> Also how was yall's valentines day?


	7. Talk to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve! And Tony! Getting teamed together! W o w!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update folks school done did me dirty and i sleep for a mad long time 😔🤙🤙🤙

"I am not going with Rogers." Tony announced abruptly the second after Fury said he was going out to scout. "Nope, no way." 

"Just do it, it's a simple job. You go in, get intel, then leave. Even someone like you can do that, Stark."

"Someone like me?" Tony raised an eyebrow at Fury. " _Someone like me_ is the only one who's capable of handling almost all of your technical and robotical shit when we run into it. I don't see what Spangles is offering me if I do this job. He'll get in my way." 

"You're doing this and he is coming with you, end of story." The director snapped, glaring down at Tony slouched in the office chair laxed. "He doesn't question orders, unlike you. You two are leaving at 17:00 in two days, be prepared. Understand?" 

"I can do this myself." Was his response which got a tired sigh from Fury, much to his delight.

"You. Steve. 17:00. Two days." Fury was losing his patience fast but Tony could care less. Pairing him up with Steve? They didn't get along, probably never will. Their personalities clashed together way too often. Then the fucker would try to get along with him and Tony would feel himself die inside over and over again. But sure, he'll humor the angry pirate. He'll be a good boy and go with Steve. Smiling for the camera, Tony's used to it. 

"Fine, but you owe me."

* * *

The next day came and Tony was not having it. Steve was updated with the same information he was and from what he gathered while talking to Bruce, the man was indifferent. "So he doesn't care he's going with me?" 

"I didn't say that." Bruce took away the pen Tony was beating against the table. "I said he doesn't mind going with you." 

"Same soup just reheated." Tony grumbled. "He's gonna boss me around so if I _accidentally_ push him into the line of fire, it's not my fault."

"You don't mean that." 

Tony shrugged, mumbling reluctantly that he didn't before raising his voice again. "But I'm not some little kid who needs his hand held." He huffed out, fiddling with one of his gauntlets to the suit. "I can take care of myself!"

Bruce laughed quietly. "You sure don't show it most of the time." He stayed silent for a few minutes, listening to the soft whirring and clicks DUM-E and U made. "He means well, Tony." 

"Says you." 

"Says me?" 

"Well, yeah. You're a giant softy despite having an aggressive romaine lettuce under all of that nerdiness. You get along with anyone who isn't actively trying to shoot you. I mean, look at yourself- you're adorable." 

"Uhh...Thanks." A tired smile was sent Tony's way and he returned the offer. "Just.. Try to get along with him okay? Don't make this harder than it has to be, please."

He pointed a screwdriver at his friend. "Only 'caused you used your manners. Now help me figure out these equations."

"You can figure those out by yourself." 

"Yes, but you're here now and I like watching you figure stuff out."

* * *

Tony barely slept when night came rolling around. His body went on auto-pilot and forced himself to sleep once the clock hit 2 AM. 

Tony couldn't sleep any longer after 6 though. He'd feel shitty about himself for _"over-sleeping."_ _(Jarvis said the human body needs 7-9 hours of sleep but Tony isn't an average human, thank you.)_

He spent the rest of the morning doing work and updating the helper-bots mainframes. Tony planned on skipping breakfast but Clint busted into his workshop and holy fuck it gave him a near heart attack. After throwing multiple bolts and screws at the fleeing man laughing, Tony stared down at the stack of pancakes. 

Reluctantly taking a bite, Tony immediately lost his appetite. He didn't know why, he couldn't eat anything. 

He truly did not want to go on this mission. 

The ~~_fear_~~ possibility of him messing up like he usually did outweighed the possibility of everything going smoothly. He never went on a paired-up.. thing with Steve so this? This was new. New things left multiple opportunities for things to go great or horrible and Tony did not like thinking about that.

...

He threw out the pancakes despite Jarvis' protests about his nutrition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reviews? yes please   
> hotel? trivago   
> thank yall for reading this mess


	8. Chapter 8

just wanted to thank y'all for helping me reach 300 hits on this 🥺🥺   
It honestly means a bunch to me that y'all take time out of your valuable day and read this and wait for updates 😔❣️❣️ 

If there's anything I can do to make this easier to read please tell me :')

Again, thank you so much for getting me to 300 hits, it's wild to think that 300 people read this. Have a good rest of your day 😌💅❣️


	9. The Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They doing a mission oooo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stayed up till 2 writing this like a dumbass

Tony ended up zoning out until he was on the quinjet. He was pretty sure he talked to Pepper at some point and hid Natasha's favorite book to give her hell before he left. 

Fury gave Steve and him a briefing packet for the mission and, again, Tony was confused on why he didn't send the two actual assassins he had lounging around. But, okay. This seemed easy. Get the information you can, take out whoever tries to stop you, fuck shit up, then scatter. 

Easy enoug-

"Tony?" He looked up.

"Yes, doll?"

"Are you nervous?" Steve offered him a comforting smile and Tony simply gave him an incredulous look. "What? Why would I be nervous, I'm fine." 

"Your leg's shaking." 

"What? No it's-" He glanced down, lo and behold his partner was right. " _Oh."_ Tony shrugged, internally trying to calm is trembling leg but it seemed to have a mind of its own. "I'm fine, Steve. Maybe my leg feels like shaking today. And let's say I am nervous, _which I'm not,_ I would have every right. I mean- Clint and 'Tasha are perfect for this mission _but nooo,_ the second something involves technology I'm forced to come." 

Steve shrugged, an intellectual response of course. "Uhh- I'm just good at strategy and fighting, that's it really. I'm pretty happy to get out the tower." 

"That's because you don't have a life." That got a soft chuckle out of Steve. 

Humor, folks.

* * *

Steve made him memorize the plan. _A precaution,_ He said. How hard can this get? 

They go. They get what they need. They leave. It's not that complicated. 

"Huh. A building. I was expecting something more.. Less suspicious." Tony looked up at the abandoned factory. The sheer amount of broken windows already made him uncomfortable. "Are we sure we're in the right place?" 

Steve didn't respond, walking ahead. 

"Okay, rude." 

They were going through the back and it took every ounce of his maturity to not make a joke. It was easy enough to take out the first three guards. Having broken neck bones does wonders for the body. Tony stepped over the bodies after they crumpled to the body. 

He slinked over to the doorway, concealing himself with the wall- looking over at Steve, he waited for instructions.

The mission was going surprisingly well. They had snuck upstairs, Steve being the one getting his hands mostly dirty. The both of them continued making their way through the factory. Tony made a noise of happiness when he saw the room he saw the room that he very smartly dubbed _Computer Room_. He went in, punching the man sitting on the side of the head. The man collapsed sidewards and Tony sat down in the chair. "You doing good Steve?" 

"Yeah, just hurry up. They'll know something's wrong soon." 

"Of course, sunshine. Won't take longer than a minute." It was pathetically easy to get into the computer and get the information. He was going to leave. This went so smoothly and he was so confident everything fell perfectly in place but the Universe had it out for him ever since his first breath. 

Speaking of breath all of his was knocked out of whatever remained of his lungs. Tony wish he didn't but he _knew_ that sigil. He knows that sigil carved into that ring on that body. It caught his eye by chance and he hated that it did. The room felt small, way too small and his brain was basically having a short-circuit. He scrambled out once the files were done, grabbing the USB. His hearing zoned out, Tony didn't know if Steve was talking to him or not but he couldn't care. 

The exit was downstairs and no one knew they were there. The mission was done, he didn't have to come back-

A gunshot yanked him out of his thoughts. It simply clanked against his suit and left a scratch but gunshots are loud and loud things attract people. "Aw, shit. Steve, you ready tiger?" 

"Do I have a choice?"

"You have a choice to not get shot!" Tony laughed, firing up his repulsors and shooting them at the closest men. He hit two out of three, one of the shots hitting a support beam. Ooo, now there's an idea. 

He tried to charge up another repulser but he was pushed, losing his footing. Instead of looking who had pushed him, Tony tried to save himself from falling. Someone pushed him again. He fell to the right A foot came up from the pavement and kicked him in the face and at that moment Tony was so, so happy he had his helmet on. 

The fighting went on, Tony occasionally glancing over at Steve who, hey! Wasn't dead yet. Good for him. The place was getting more and more torn down, the factory making suspicious noises whenever his repulsors missed a target and shot someplace else in the interior. Things would be fine if nothing strong enough went off. 

A weird _pink_ noise went off behind him and _oh my god those are grenades_.

"Rogers! Duck or cover, choose one!" He barked out and it, thankfully, it got the soldier's attention long enough to see the very tasteful easter eggs. 

They went off soon after and Tony felt something pierce his suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> completely unrelated but yall should listen to Be Nice to Me by The Front Bottoms it hits different 😌💅  
> but teehee hope yall enjoyed it give me what i want and crave 🥺🥺


	10. Horrible Day, Really

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dream time that's it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I skipped my nap to write this 😤

"I'm fine!" 

"No, you're not. You're losing blood!!"

"It's a cut-"

"You were impaled by a giant shard of metal!"

"Well when you put it like that of course it'll sound bad!"

"Ow!-" "Stop moving then-" "You're the idiot who keeps touching-" " _I'm the idiot?!"_ "I overshot my aim, that's it-" "You practically brought down the whole-" " _OW!!"_

Steve stopped trying to move the large shred of metal that was embedded in Tony's hip. "You can't say we didn't do our job." The wounded man laughed but it sounded murky. He frowned, taking a step back. "We gotta remove it before you can take off the suit." 

"Don't touch it or we're squaring up." Tony spat groggily. 

They spent the next three minutes arguing about what to do until Steve eventually just sighed. "You're losing blood to the point it's leaking out of the suit, Tony. Can we at least leave?" 

"Yeah.. Sure.." Tony didn't make any attempt to move, giving a blank stare on the cracked concrete floor. 

"Tony? Can you..walk?" Steve asked carefully but the man simply scoffed, muttering a confirmation before struggling to his feet and stumbling forwards. Steve's concern grew even more.

* * *

"I'm pulling it out." 

"No, you're not." 

"Only way the suit can come off, right?" Before Steve could come back with a response, Tony gripped the metal, not giving his mind to hesitate and realize he shouldn't remove the thing keeping some blood in his body. He grimaced, pulling out the offending object in his hip. Tears builded in the back of hs eyes but he blinked furiously, leaning his head back

"I don't think you're supposed to remove it.." 

"Shut up and help me take this off. If i move any more I'll astral project. There should be an emergency clasp thingy behind my arm." He continued talking Steve through it before a soft hissing sound went off and the suit opened up. The wound was a literal bloody mess. 

"I found a medkit." 

"How convenient." Tony cringed away when Steve approached with a rag and alcohol.

He knew it was going to hurt like a bitch and he was right. Tony's leg kicked out in retaliation, biting down on the inside of his cheek. He couldn't help but laugh at Steve's worried apology. "It's fine Rogers, 'Tis but a flesh wound." 

Steve sighed. "It's a bit infected but we should land in seven hours. You'll be okay, right?"

"Mhhm. I'm bandaged and not dead, can't complain." Tony fanned his hand towards Steve, dismissing him and his worries. The low humming of the motors eventually lulled him into sleep.

* * *

The next time Tony opened his eyes he knew he wasn't in the quinjet. It was easy to tell because one, he wasn't in the sky and two, he was standing in an inky black abyss. He was used to this, this nightmare, the set up. He knew what his mind could conjure up. Tony, however, didn't know what it would mix together in a terrifying mixture of trauma _~~which he doesn't have~~_.

"You got hurt, _neonato_." Tony felt his hands grow clammy from that voice he knew belonged to his mom but that's impossible because she's _six feet under in a coffin covered with dirt._ Her hand touched his arm and a shock went through his body. Tony felt hot and cold at the same time which is impossible because they're polar opposites and _fuck_ he couldn't breathe _shitshitshitshit-_

"You're dead." Was all he could manage to cough out after his body could function. "You're dead and I'm fucking dreaming-"

" _Presta attenzione alla tua lingua._ " Maria said sharply and he held his tongue to not instinctively apologize. "But yes, you are dreaming and I'm still dead." 

"So why are you here?" He was reaching the end of his patience.

"I'm here because you wanted me here, Antoni-" 

Tony attempted to shoulder past her but he went through, she was an apparition. _Hah, of course she was._ He walked farther into the void, desperately ignoring the part of his ached to be touched and held and calmed by her. "Go away." 

"Very well, _tesoro_. I'll see you next time."   
  
"There isn't a next time 'cause you're dea- of course you left." Tony kept on walking. He didn't know how dream-time worked and at this point it was a loose construct he vaguely remembered. A hand shot out from the neverending darkness and grabbed him. 

Tony very reasonably thrashed around in its grip, going into even more of a panic when his shirt was lifted up by an extra hand and attempted to grab his arc-reactor but it went right through his chest. He felt like he was drowning from the inside, feeling his lungs filling with some sort of liquid and he coughed it up and it was such a bright scarlet red, such a contrast from the dark it burned his eyes. The hands were gone and Tony fell down, coughing up more and more of the liquid while a burning sensation exploded in his neck. Another hand. This was attached to a body this time and it grabbed his wrist.

He retaliated, socking the.. whatever it was in the face but it just went straight through, splitting up before stitching itself back together and that's just _wrong._ Both of his wrists were constricted and ink covered his arc-reactor, covering the only source of light he had in this abyss. Something was making the place shake and rumble, voices filling the ominous silence. 

Kind of sounded like his name. Tony kicked the creature in whatever place he could reach, which mostly consisted of futile hits on its stomach. One of them actually landed instead of phasing through. 

He woke up after that.

* * *

Tony sat up in a panic. Steve, who was towering over him backed up. "You're okay. Uh- You're in the quinjet right now and-" 

"I know where I am, spangles." He got defensive quickly. Tony was.. embarrassed to say the least. Walls were already raising and he was completely prepared to change the topic. 

Steve wasn't though. "What happened?" 

Instead of responding, Tony looked at his newly bandaged hip. "Not sure I'm comfortable with the fact you changed my bandages. What happened to your face?" 

"You uh.. punched me? And kicked me." Tony's stomach dropped, guilt hammering into his brain but he cut it off quickly. No feeling. He gave a quick apology.

He shot down any of Steve's attempts to get him to open up about whatever he dreamed about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading y'all  
> Tell me about yourselves in the comments if you'd like I love interacting with y'all 🥺🥺


	11. Red Flags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another steve chapter  
> a lil treat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am one sneeze away from making this a stony fic i swear but would yall like that

Tony refused to get actual medical help once they landed, handing Fury the hard drive before hopping back into the battered suit and leaving. Steve made eye-contact with him for a good ten seconds and all he saw was pain and the poor soldier couldn't tell if it was from the wound or something else. That was the first red flag. Tony asked (passive aggressively told him) to keep his dream just between the two. Steve agreed, despite his better judgement. Tony didn't show up from his workshop for a week. First and second day, he thought nothing of it. Tony could've been sleeping, he deserved it, or working- nothing to even bat an eye.

Then the third day passed. 

Fourth day.

Steve politely asked Jarvis what Tony was doing. He didn't really like the response he received. 

Rushing down the stairs because the elevator would make him feel too panicky, Steve attempted to knock at the door sealing off the rest of the real word. Of course, it was automatic and he just felt like an idiot when it rose up from his motions. He gently called out for his.. friend? He'd like to say that. The man in question never answered back and it was pretty dim, excluding the bright light emanating from Tony slumped over the desk, forehead resting on lower arm.

Ah, another red flag. Approaching the seemingly unconscious man, Steve called out his name again but this time he got a response. It sounded like a mix between a choking cat and a cartoon horn. "Are you okay?"   
  
"Peachy." His voice was slurred and uncertain. Steve glanced down where he knew the bandaged wound was and there wasn't any sign of blood anywhere. Good. So he was either tired or drunk. Or a horrid, horrid combo of both.

"I'm gett _ing_ tired of hearing _you_ asking _me_ how I'm doing, Stev _e n._ " Definitely drunk.

While Tony quietly grumbled something about how empty space was, he got a glass of water and set it on the desk. "Can you sit up?" 

"Can-" An attempt at inhaling ended with a hiccup that sounded painful. "Can _you_ stop being my mom?" He still took the water though, spilling half of it on his shirt at sad attempts to drink.

Silence filled the workshop for a good while and Steve's mind raced with thoughts. Was he down here just drinking because that can't possibly be healthy for anyone's liver. He should've went down on the first day Tony didn't pop up but that might be seemed overbearing or domineering.. was he using those words right?   
  
"Steve?" 

"Yeah, buddy." 

A sloppy huff. "Am I a bad person?" 

Steve a soldier, not a therapist. Holy shit, Steve can't even comfort a crying baby because he's scared he'll make it worse please no not _like this open up a different way with a different person and not d r u n k-_ "Ah- well. No. You've made bad decisions, I'm sure but.. You're not bad." 

"Every bad decision I've made was from fear and conditioning." Tony got that colder than ice look in those bambi eyes but he felt the flames licking and smoke filling his mind. "I'm scared of my own mind, fuckin' ironic honestly. I have a catalogue of mistakes." 

"Tony-" 

He repeated himself. "I have a catalogue of mistakes. I sort them by severity of transgression, color code them, study the patterns. I'd like to think I do this so as not to repeat, but I spin the same shit. Every. Day. Each morning-" Tony let out a shaky laugh that was so hollow Steve wondered the point of it. "Each morning I trick myself and say _Today I'm going to be happy, I'll be good._ But I'm a liar."

Red flags were setting off everywhere and he was nervous. Steve made the wrong choice of touching his shoulder. A harsh and uncoordinated shove to his chest was rewarded for his efforts. 

He took this as his queue to go. Steve was about to cross the door frame before Tony croaked out a few words. 

"You're not leaving, are you?" 

Steve looked back and the ice in the man's eyes were gone. All that was left in there was fear and such a melancholy sadness.

"I'm.. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

After a few more gentle verbal pushes and water, Tony finally cracked and told Steve about his dream. 

Red flag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a whole week off from school so wig wig  
> feedback wanted and appreciated yall know what it do  
> thanks again for reading 😌🤙


	12. Today, Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow another steve chapter and me giving him actual character depth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall better enjoy this cause google chrome crashed three so i had to rewrite this and i was going to physically die

Despite Steve asking him repeatedly, Tony would not sleep.

He's been down here for at least three hours and the only good thing that's come out of it so far is Tony slowly becoming sober. The shorter man wouldn't look at him though.

"You need sleep, Tony."

"And you need to stop bossing me around." 

"It's late."

"To you. Just because your arthritis is acting up and you want to sleep, doesn't mean I want to." 

"Why?" 

That got a negative answer from Tony, getting defensive and shooting an insult at him. Grabbing a pen from the edge of the desk, Steve began doodling on his hands. It was a sloppy drawing of a vine with flowers. An entertained snort made him look up from his hand. "What?" 

"Pretty childish, don't you think?" 

"It's also childish refusing to sleep." 

Tony glanced at him, brief, but he was smiling. It looked almost genuine. 

Almost.

The genius clapped his hands together. "Okay, idea. I'll take a _nap_. If you leave. Deal?" 

Steve shrugged. He can compromise. "Okay, deal."

* * *

Steve couldn't sleep, his mind was too unsettled. He felt cold which was odd because the heat was blasting in his room. But here he was, freezing. He raised the drawn on hand, barely making out the outline. There's a war inside his head and Steve was desperately trying to ignore it. He knew what PTSD. He's seen it. Funny thing is that Steve doesn't know if he had it and he probably wouldn't know if it slapped him in the face. He knows Tony has it, that's a no-brainer. Hard part is getting him to admit.

He closed his eyes for a moment but the next time he opened them it was morning. 

Of course it was morning. Steve dragged himself out of bed, changing his clothes and going into the elevator. The first thing he was met with when he left was an egg flying towards him. Steve ducked, thank god, and before he could even ask, Clint ran behind him for cover from Natasha weilding a spatula.

"Step aside, Rogers." 

"What happened?" 

"He threw an egg at my head." 

"Oh, c'mon!" Clint chortled. "I think the yolk is an improvement." He let out a whine of pain when Natasha chucked the utensil at his thigh. Ignoring Clint's complains, he looked around the kitchen. Bruce was the only one who was actually cooking. Going up to the scientist, they exchanged a few words and engaged in a friendly conversation. Somehow the topic went in a loop and ended up on Tony.

"Just talk to him." Bruce placed the breakfast onto plates laid out beforehand. "He's more sensitive than you think. Solitude is his only logical reasoning to hide how he feels."   
  
"How do you know?"

"Because I hang out with him. Now could you go get him?"

"Yeah, yeah sure." 

Today was one of those days where everything felt so surreal, like he shouldn't be here. He should be dead, by all means. He doesn't want to be dead, why would he?

* * *

Steve entered the workshop, he wasn't expecting Tony to be knocked out on the couch quietly snoring. He was curled up, knees up to chest and hands tucked under his head. Steve couldn't help but smile- he held up his side of the deal. He was sleeping. That's good. Or it would be good if Tony didn't have another nightmare.

Today, today. Today is going good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gamers


	13. haha interlude x2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another interlude but seriously comment down below deadass

Thank yall for getting a homie's story to 500 hits like we really out here thriving and i know yall just wanna hear my sad, sad story with unnecessary commas BUT for the next chapter i need yall to decide

terminal illness or shot 

i aint telling yall what's happening in the next chapter (unless you read the tags then touche) because spoilers but i can't decide which one to do 

So, again, thank yall for reading this story and choose which one you would rather see. Vote in the comments and the majority will win :)

probably wont update the story until i get a good amount of votes (like at least 3 or 4)

You know the deal, Feedback always appreciated here :')


	14. Dull and Persistant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a chapter about Pepper  
> not saying it's gunna be a happy one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do any of yall watch Penguinz0 i like him hes like a discount Keanu Reeves

Pepper returned to the Avengers tower later that day, unbeknownst to Tony. She was greeted with smiling faces. Making a pit stop and talking to everyone, mostly Natasha. Sharing banters with the assassin, Pepper gave her a quick hug before heading into the elevator. Jarvis greeted her with a joyful tone, saying that her presence was missed. "I missed you too, Jarvis. How's Tony?" 

"Sir has been watched over by Captain Rogers, Miss Potts." 

Now that was an interesting development. Stepping into his workshop, Pepper was half-expecting Tony to be building something. Instead, he had his head buried between the arm of the couch and cushion. The man was completely asleep. "Jarvis how long has he's been asleep." 

"Sir has been asleep for fifteen hours. Captain Rogers made him go to bed."

" _Wow-"_ Sitting on the empty part of the sofa, Tony groaned tiredly. "Good afternoon, Mister Stark."

A beat of calm passed by before Tony popped his head up, hair fluffed up. He had the appearance of a ruffled bird which was pretty adorable. "..Afternoon?"

"Yes, afternoon." 

"When did you-" 

"I just got here, Tony." Pepper patted the space between them and he immediately took up the offer, sliding closer and laying his head against her shoulder. She ran her hand through his hair before smoothing it back down. Planting a gentle kiss on his forehead, they sat in comfortable silence for thirty seconds before he went and broke it. 

"I missed you."

"I know."

"Well now you know because I told you." Tony hummed. 

"You never want to be humbled, huh?" A headache began to start. It wasn't a strong one but it was persistent. Dull and persistent. She pinned it on the long ride back and continued to talk.

* * *

They went up for dinner. The headache continued. Her vision would give out sometimes but that was fine. She was surrounded by flashing lights and screens every day. Yes, it would affect her vision. Tony was as blind as a bat without his contacts so it was a matter of time before her vision would go down the same path. 

She watched a movie with everyone _(Tony stayed for half of it before sneaking off)_ before a ringing in her ears began which was.. weird. That plus with the headache, Pepper was not having a good time. It went away twenty minutes later, so she brushed it off like everything else. Even when she felt drowsy at random points of the week, Pepper brushed it off. 

She brushed off anything until she couldn't. 

A good three weeks passed and Pepper was working on the computer in her office. There was no headache, no constant ringing in her ears. There wasn't even random flashes in her vision. See? A false alarm. 

Someone buzzed into her office and she greeted them. Things were going smoothly. 

Until they weren't.

Continuing to chat with the employee, Pepper sorted through files and paper- that's when her arm started to feel.. weird. She lost focus for a minute, words stuck on her tongue before What'sHerName called her back. 

"Excuse me, Miss Potts, are you alright?" 

"Mhhm, yeah I'm-" Again, her thoughts escaped her. Again, they came back as quick as they left. The numbness in her arm increased and she felt sluggish. 

"Miss Potts?" 

Attempting to stand, her body didn't enjoy that and simply dropped.   
Literally. 

Pepper went unconscious and the last thing she heard was clambering and voices.

* * *

The next time Pepper opened her eyes she was in a hospital room. How did she know? Well, the smell of disinfectants were in the air and so was the annoying sound of beeping machinery. This was.. not exactly the way she wanted to spend the rest of her day. Sighing, she sat up and, christ, she was lightheaded. Opting to lay back down, Pepper was about to get settled back in when knocking came from the door and her senses were not happy to hear that.  
  
A doctor came in, Pepper stealing a quick glance to her name tag but she couldn't make out the words on it. 

"Miss Potts?"

"Please, call me Pepper." She gave the man an accompanying smile. He gave a weak one back. 

"We ran some tests, more specifically an MRI scan and the results were.." 

A beat of silence that felt like an eternity. 

Of course, when he eventually worked up the nerve to tell her, that dull and persistent ache came back.

Right on cue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a doctor's appointment @ 3PM so that sucks BUT i am getting paid cause im in a research study group and imma get a harmonica because i have that type of power now
> 
> anyways ynow kudos and feedback are my lifeblood just like insulin is (get it cause im a diabetic 😳 )


	15. Unfortunate Developement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea how to summarize this  
> it's not exactly angst but it's not happy at all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finished this @ 2:26 AM :)

Tony was doing okay for once. He didn't feel an overwhelming cloud of dread overcasting over him, haunting him every day of the hour. 

He felt kinda good, a little bit. Steve came down more often, sketching out random things that caught his curiosity- mostly Tony's suits and helper bots, even occasionally drawing the mechanic. Tony _~~liked it when he came down here, it felt nice to have some company~~_ found it distracting. Steve was a walking distraction, and no it's because he had the attention span of a fruitfly. Whenever the soldier came down, Tony made it a personal challenge of his to make him get any semblance of a reaction, anger preferably. 

But no matter how hard Tony tried- and he tried everything from throwing blueberries at him to snatching his sketchbook and going through it. All Steve would do would give him a gentle, patient smile and wait until he grew bored. He wouldn't even a sigh whenever Tony started his plotting and at this point he was getting bored. It had been a day since Pepper left. Again, Steve was hanging out, drawing in his book while Tony worked on schematics. 

"Sir, it appears that Miss Potts has been hospitalized." 

"Hospitalized is such a weird wor- I'm- What?" It took his mind a second to reboot and process what he heard. "No- that doesn't- What happened?" 

Jarvis filled the two in on what happened, Tony shutting everything with a flick of his wrist and quickly asking Steve to stay here. 

He didn't bother waiting for a response.

* * *

In the back of his mind, Tony was mildly surprised he didn't get pulled over for speeding. He was pushing 90 MPH but he couldn't bring himself to care. Skidding into the parking lot, he slammed the car's door shut once he got out. Tony had to remember to breathe but his nerves were jumping around wildly. He stepped in and the smell of disinfectants made his head spin. He.. _loathed_ hospitals. Tony went to the front. The receptionist barely gave him a glance, asking him who he was here to see. He exclaimed it out as quickly as he could. She gave him the room number a minute later.

Room 807, second floor. 

Tony reached there in record time.

He almost busted in from how jittery he was.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the door slowly. Pepper was reading a magazine or pamphlet he couldn't make out the words. She looked tired ~~_scared, even_~~ but either than that she was okay. She was _okay oh thank god-_ "Oh, you're still alive."

"Don't sound so disappointed, I might think you don't like me." She patted the side of the hospital. Tony didn't hesitate, sitting by her legs. 

"You're okay, right? What happened?

Pepper looked even more tired after he asked that question. Maybe it was the lighting, he was hoping it was the lighting. "Tony, listen-"

"That's what I've been doing."

"We are having a serious discussion, please stop talking for just one unbroken minute." She let out a heavy exhale and he felt his stomach drop but he nodded slowly.

"The doctor. He- there's something in my brain. I can't remember its name because it's insufferably long but they said it can't be cured-" 

Tony, in all honesty, zoned out. His world shattered and he was gone, retreating into himself and letting his hearing refuse to hear anything else. No. _Nononono_. Things like this don't just _happen randomonly, don't just pop_ _up_. It was impossible. This isn't true, it couldn't be true and someone was lying to him because bad things don't happen to Pepper, they never happen to Pepper so why now? Why now? If he loses Pepper then he'll snap and no one wants-

A soft hand touched his and he was thrown back into reality. He couldn't bring himself to look up at her.

She was talking yet Tony couldn't hear her. What type of sick fucking plot of a movie is the universe doing of his life. Is this penance for all the shit he did? Take away the one thing that actually made the world bearable? The thing- the one person who he felt completely and utterly safe and sound of mind with. This was either karma or an unfortunate development that slid in from no where.

Tony remembered how to talk, forcing out a one syllable word. "No."

"What? What do you mean _no?"_

"There had to been a mistake or-or _something_ because things like this don't just pop on in unannounced. You're just sick-"

"Tony, think rationally."

" _I am."_

"I've had symptoms since two weeks back. I'm not sick, I'm dying. You have to understand that." 

A suffocating silence seeped into the too white room. Pepper never spoke up again, never made a sound, but the look in her eyes told Tony what exactly was about to happen.

Tony is desire, Tony is tragedy.

Tony is the lilt in your lover's laughter. Tony is the dirt they march across

Tony is the moon at night. Tony is the sun at day.

Tony is the despair you feel when an old friend dies. Tony is the beginning. Tony is the end.

Yet...

Tony is nothing.

He truly feels like nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha plug-in, check out my instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lennyfaceovo/  
> feedback is loved and valued


	16. Crown Prince of Collateral Damage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow just watched the new chucky with my mom movie never getting that time back good lord it was insufferable  
> also wow me building up tony's and howard's relationship via memories just to knock it down how fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a break from angst but it's gonna get worse on the next one :)  
> it's a pretty short one too

_"Anthony, pay attention."_

_Tony looked up from the screwdriver his father handed him. Nervous brown eyes stared up into steel ones. They were naming tools and he got entranced by the pretty yellow color._

_"What is this one called?"_

_"A-.." He rotated the screwdriver, trying to find the name but it wasn't there. He wanted to answer this quicky, not wanting to disappoint "A..Torx? I think it's a torx.."_

_A disappointed sigh. "No." He took away the tool, leaving Tony hot from embarrassment. "It's called a hex." Howard pointed the tip towards his son, showing the hexagonal shape the metal part of the screwdriver had. "If you had looked a t the end, you would have known. Brash decisions like this can cost you, understand?" He rose an expectant eyebrow towards Tony._

_All the little boy could do was nod. "Yes, father.."_

_"Good." They spent the rest of the day naming tools and using them, Tony even getting a smile out of the man. By the time dinner rolled around and Maria sending Jarvis down to get the two, the boy could name almost every tool his father gave him. He was even careful enough to check the pointy parts._

* * *

Tony drove home the next day with intentions to make brash decisions. He wasn't in the greatest state of mind but first step of getting better is admitting to yourself first or some stupid shit like that.

He went into the lounge room. A swell of disappointment tapped at his chest when he didn't see Steve but he didn't let it show. Tony instead walked past the two assassins, grabbing poor Bruce who was just trying to read by the arm. "Sorry, dearies. Need our sweet scientist for something." He ignored Clint's persistent nagging and dragged the other man into the elevator.

"What's going on, Tony?"

Tony stumbled over his words before finding verbal land. "Pepper's uh- pretty sick. LIke really, really sick. Dying sick, I guess-" Before he could give Bruce room to react, he continued after taking a breath. "Both her and the doctors said that it isn't curable, something about three months without treatment and only ten months with it. But I don't- I don't want to believe that so I'm asking for your help buddy."

Bruce gaze held pity and sympathy and Tony hated it. "Realistically speaking, I don't think it's possible-"

"Please don't say it."

"I don't think I can even get remotely close to a cure. If actual, trained professional scientists can't find a cure, I don't get how the two of us can." Bruce looked down, unable to look at Tony at this point. 

"Can we at least try?"

"Yeah.. sure.. If it'll make you feel better." The doors opened up once they reached the workshop.

Tony gave Bruce a thankful smile. "Between us, okay?" He left the elevator, hearing it swish close. He went in and the sigh that behold him let out a laugh. Dummy holding up his arm and basically striking a clumsy pose while Steve balanced random items against anything barely obeying the laws of gravity.

"My good sir, what are you doing to my robot?"

A splutter of words exited Steve's mouth in surprise. "You're back! Sorry, I'll- uh- I'll get all this stuff of him, sorry- He kept bothering so I just- I wanted to make him feel useful-" His ears went red and Tony gave himself a mental achievement for making the _Great Captain America_ blush. 

"It's fine, calm down Capsicle." He started taking off the items stacked atop of Dummy, happy chirps and clicks coming from the old helper-bot. He ignored the feeling of happiness he felt from Steve calling Dummy a _him_."Did you really stay down here for the rest of the night?"

Steve shrugged. "I left pretty late last night waiting for you. Is Miss Potts okay?"

Tony changed the topic, asking if Steve liked war movies.

He gave an uneven answer that raised some concerns but it distracted the soldier. "What, can't handle collateral damage?" Tony teased which, in hindsight, was probably a little mean.

"You leave collateral damage wherever you go." Steve fired back with no malice. 

"Darling, I'm the crown prince of collateral damage." He confidently tapped on his arc-reactor. It ached more than usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback and comments yall know what i like ahaha 😳🤙


	17. Guilty Hello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a sliver of angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do yall think i make drafts before i publish chapters or just wing it

Tony's human. 

A lot of people forget that but Tony's so prone to emotions he'd rather pretend he doesn't have them. It was better this way, he got emotionally attached to things too quickly.

So, you could imagine the metaphorical sky crashing down on him when he visited Pepper the umteenth time and she told him that she wasn't going on treatment.

Tony choked on his words he was trying to get out, staring at that woman who wore a broken expression; failing to hide it. Tony was a hair's breadth away from crying because this didn't make sense. None of this made sense. Pepper being sick didn't make _sense._

He croaked out a quiet "Why?"

"Why prolong the inevitable? It's incurable and medication would just make me feel all sluggish."

"Isn't this something we should've talked about.. before?" 

"If you can make decisions without telling me, so can I."

"This is completely different circumstances." 

"It's my life-"

"And I'm the one who's gonna have to be living without you and I don't like thinking about that possibility. It..scares me.." Tony felt like someone was digging in and pulling his heart straight from his chest, just by the way Pepper was looking at him. She was heartbroken- and it was Tony's fault. It had to be his fault. His heart ached as he watched her lower lip tremble, a familiar melancholy glaze clouding her eyes. There was never any sort of easy grieving in this sort of scenario.

He eventually agreed with her decision though. His heart constricted, crushed by a weight he had never known before. Tony couldn’t fathom much more than the pain of it. He was grieving before she even..

...

Tony closed his eyes and the next time he opened them he was outside and the starless night sky judged him from below. There wasn't even any clouds, pitch black seemed to envelope anything that wasn't near a streetlight. The brisk August air made him do an unwillingly shiver. He glanced at his car which looked like an inviting metal carriage of death. Tony didn't want to drive. ~~_Alone._~~

Reasonably, Tony would call Happy. The poor guy was used to escorting him everywhere, making friendly conversation and settling his jumpy nerves down. 

Tony was not a reasonable person past four pm, though. So he called Steve instead. 

The line rang too long for his comfort but Steve eventually answered. "Hey, cupcake. What'cha doin'?"

"Trying to sleep. Why are- Where are you? It's almost one."

"I'm at the hospital visiting.. someone."

"Is it Pep-"

"Can you do me a solid and pick me up? I'll owe you one."

Steve asked him why. Tony spun a bullshit excuse that he didn't like driving in the dark (Which was partly true, okay?). He agreed though, but he didn't sound happy.

"Give me twenty minutes, okay?"

"Twenty? too long, you get fifteen- no- ten."

"Goodbye, Tony."

_-click-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Next chapter will be done around tomorrow!
> 
> Emerald_Break, yesterday waiting: so that was a fucking lie


	18. Pit Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's happiness  
> then there isn't for a second

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gunna uhhhhhhh handle some heavy topics in the next chapter and i'm gonna do some research so i can get it as accurate as possible 😳🤙

"Thank you." Tony said eventually, five minutes into the car ride.

"Just don't stay out so late next time, please."

"Not about this. About- I dunno- dealing with me, I guess. We didn't get off on the best foot but you still look out for me in your own overbearing, dumb ways- wait, no-" He looked out the window, eyes darting to try and lock onto the moving terrain. "I'm trying to say that I'm thankful for having you. Besides, when I day I can brag in whatever afterlife there is to my dad about meeting Captain America. All those years of ignoring me searching for a guy buried under ice just for his son to be his fucking team-mate is _so goddamn ironic."_

Steve glanced at him and he had a glint in his eyes.

"What?"

"Nothing. Are you hungry?"

" _What?"_

Steve continued driving for a few more miles before pulling into a drive-thru. "Go ahead and pic-"

"Cheeseburger. Two." Tony said confidently, sitting up in the car seat. "Please and thank you."

They ordered, more specifically Tony ordered, giving the poor cashier a near heart attack when she saw who pulled up. Steve being forever chivalrous, paying for Tony and leaving a tip. What he didn't do was give Tony his food, calmy telling him to wait. He let out a whine, complaining for the rest of the car ride until Steve pulled over into an empty lot overlooking a part of Manhattan. "Are you going to kill me then dump the body?"

"No, but don't give me the idea."

Tony hummed in response, getting out the car and hopping up onto the safety bars to sit. "Pretty view."

"It is." Steve settled next to him, leaning over the bars and handing him the two burgers, much to Tony's delight. 

"Not as pretty as you, loverboy." Tony laughed at Steve's reaction, watching him turn an unnatural shade of pink that was simply hilarious. "What? Old man can't handle pick up lines?"

"You are so chaotic." Steve chortled, smiling. "I can't tell if you're clinically insane or just incredibly annoying."

"Probably both. Its rich coming from a guy who has the personality of unscented hand soap." Tony threw the wrapper from one of the burger's at Steve's head. "But you have a very well-sculpted ass so I'll give you a pass."

The taller man snuffed, not responding to the last comment about his.. posterior. He did open up a new topic that Tony could have lived without talking about it.

"How's Pepper?"

Tony bristled silently. "Why do you care?"

"I just do."

Tony leered at him silently but all the soldier did was gaze back with those soft baby blues that held no judgement, no hate, no resentment or fear and there's barely a handful of people who ever looked at him like that anymore and he couldn't stop the flow of words that poured out his mouth. Steve kept quiet.

"What, you're not going to say anything?"

"Why should I? I'm not going to sit here and say it'll get better, because it won't. In all reality, it won't ever completely get better. You'll feel like so bad for so long, probably years if it's really bad- but one day you won't." Steve shrugged. "But if you can't, I'll be here."

"Why did you bring me out here?"

"Because I knew it'll make you talk."

...

The ride back was dead quiet, but it was comfortable silence, a mutual understanding. When they reached home Tony was tired, physical- emotional, physiological. He didn't know. He gave a half conscious thanks to Steve, going into the elevator and going down to the workshop. He collapsed onto the worn-down couch, asking Jarvis to keep everything off.

He couldn't sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall know the dealio  
> also thanks for reading this 😳👌  
> also shout out to @emerald_break ur comments keep me going :')


	19. Wilting Flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whats going on? don't ask me everyone's kinda vibing and thor's back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> marvel: Tony Stark's dead  
> Me, writing this fanfic: Well, yes, but actually no

Petals  


_growing, blooming, thriving_

** Petals **

_wilting, plummeting, fading_

_** Petals ** _

_crumbling, shriveling, decaying_

He is a petal- no, a weed. A disgusting, festering weed that needed to be ripped from the ground, needed to curl up and rot, moulder, perish, _die_. Everything he _touches_

It goes to hell.

He looks at the suit. Cold and metal. Emotionless. Calculating. Is that what he is? What he represented? What the fuck is he? A hero? A villian? A murderer, for sure- he's just on the good side, if you could call it that.

Trained killers, soldier, God, scientist

And a monster. Yes, yes that's what he is. A monster who plays pretend. A monster who acts like he can feel. Oh, it's wonderful, isn't it? Everyone believes him. 

Tony zoned into reality when a crash of thunder echoed through the sky, followed by Jarvis saying Thor had returned. He couldn't care less. "Tell him he's free to come down if he leaves Melem..Me-"

"Mjolnir, sir"

"Yeah, sure whatever. Tell him to leave it upstairs."

* * *

Thor came down a while later, announcing his presence quite loudly and making Tony drop an upgrade he was working on.

"Y'know this is why I don't invite you down here."

"I give my apologies, Brother Anthony." Thor slapped his back and he pretended it didn't burn his lungs. "I am just glad to see you."

"Oh really? What were you doing on God Land anyways?" It caused a good distraction for Thor, spinning a yarn he quite frankly did not care about while he repaired the dropped upgrade. Tony offered a lazy _"Oh wow, that's crazy-"_ every minute. He pretended to care.

He placed down his little creation when Thor asked him to come upstairs. "I wish you to accompany me, Brother Anthony. If you are not too busy, of course."

He pretended to be happy about coming along.

He pretended to be okay when Steve gave him a worried glance.

He pretended to be okay when Jarvis alerted them that Fury needed their presence and were expected to be there in an hour. Tony pretended to be okay with this.

Tony still arrived forty minutes late when everyone else left on time. He didn't come up with an excuse, taking his seat and clicking a pen whenever Fury started to talk.

"Ten Rings, Stark is familiar with th-" _clickclickclickclickclick._

"...Stark is familiar with this group and will be accompanying Rogers and Barton on the front line-" _clickclickclickclickclick._

Steve took away the pen, giving Tony a look of disappointment which he's learned to hate. Maybe it felt too similar to his d-.. to Howard. Who knows. He didn't.

Tony didn't bother paying attention to the rest. He already heard too much. Ten Rings? He had to go with this barely functioning group of _'heros'_ . "When are we leaving?"

"Two hours, I hope you use that time wisely." Fury leered at him as Tony stood up, plucking back the pen and scribbling a note onto his hand. He mumbled a lame response, turning around and leaving.

Two hours. Enough- that's enough time to prepare. He'll blow wherever he's going to hell, Tony's not taking any chances with them, he knows better. Either he'll die or they will.

He knows his decision.

* * *

its art thats all follow my insta and tumblr

[lennyfaceovo but instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lennyfaceovo/)

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for dipping on yall for like a week hope yall liked the art  
> make sure to wash your hands and limit your time outside  
> also take your vitamins


	20. Cell Block Tango

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> our boys and gal get McSnatched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 👁️👄👁️ don't be shy, leave a kudo, don't be shy, leave a comment

Tony built.

He built and built and built, pumping out updates after painfully testing them out. He couldn't take chances. Things could go wrong in a blink of an eye.

His nerves didn't settle once the two hours were up. 

Everyone was pretty happy about their upgrades. It was simple-

A few more tools for Natasha, arrows for Clint, new comm for the local Thunder God, things like that. It didn't make him feel better.

"Stark, you know the plan?"

"Yes, my darling Steve." Tony flexed his hand inside the gauntlet, holding his helmet in his free hand. "Me, Clint, and big boy Thor are aerial support while you, Natasha, and Hulkie do stuff on the ground. SImple things." He felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Alright, then!" Clint placed the newly made arrowheads into the quiver. "I'm ready, you guys ready?"

"We don't have a choice." Bruce shrugged, giving Tony a weak smile.

Tony didn't return the favor.

* * *

Everything was going alright. 

To say that the people they were up against wasn't decked out in weapons would be a lie however. The team was getting tired and Tony's stomach was churning so badly.

But they would win. They always won. They had to win. They _had to._

..

They were completely surrounded.

Guns cocked and loaded. Weapons Tony had never seen before aimed at Thor and Hulk. Bruised and battered, some more than others, it was good ol' fashioned standoff.. if the supporting team was going to be shot to Hell if they made one wrong move.

"Okay.." Tony's HUD locked onto a few targets, his shoulderplates raising up. "I'm betting I can blow you all up before you can fire a single bullet."

"I wouldn't do that." A familiar voice came from the shade. Fear- no, it wasn't just fear. It was something else..Dread. It had to be dread. Something that crawled out of the deepest pits of his mind, this thoughts that he constantly buried back. Yet here he was, arising from the dead.

"Don't I know you?"

"Sadly, yes. We've had the chance of crossing each other in the desert. I kidnapped you, you burned me, I killed your doctor-"

Tony fired up a shot of the repulsors at Raza's feet, a warning shot. Raza flicked his wrist and one of his guys fired back, but it wasn't at him. No, he made his men fire at Hulk.

And it.. actually pierced the green skin.

Now Tony was feeling pure fear. "Do you like it?" Raza hummed, ignoring as the Hulk roared in pain and anger. "I made the bullets out of adamantium. It was.. Very difficult to find the recipe to make this type of bullet. And as fate has it, who knew we'd have the perfect test subject for it."

"Good god, are you writing your biography? No one asked for your life story. The only thing worse than hearing you drawl on is looking at your Freddy Krueger cosplay of a face." 

A soft _'hmm'_ , calm. Calculating. Raza snapped out something in a different language. It was harsh and guttural and it did no help to comfort Tony.

"Step out the suit, Stark. Or don't and your little friends die. Simple as that."

"Don't even think about opening up that facemask, Stark." Natasha hissed coldly. 

The goons cocked their guns, aiming right at em. If the bullets could hurt Hulk then-

"Get. Out. The. Suit."

Someone, he could only assume Steve or Clint, moved closer. The guns shifted with the movement. "We can take them, Tony, just don't leave, direct orders." Ah, so it was Steve.

"Baby doll, I'd love to do that, but I know you guys enjoy living out your strange lives mooching off of me." Almost to the equivalent to a vocal uprising, Tony opened up the suit, stepping out and holding up his hands. 

"There, I'm out, now calm do-" The butt of a gun connected to his skull. White went into his vision, then black.

* * *

Tony cracked open his eyes slowly, staring down at a dull, gray stone floor. He was propped up against a wall and everything in his vision was doubled. 

Attempting to speak, Tony asked _"Where am I"_ but all that came out was garbled up words and a weakened whine. It got Clint's attention, however.

"You're awake! Christ man, you were knocked out for a really long time. It was like, an hour, really, but still." 

His hearing was in hyperdrive and even a slight shift sent him reeling back into a headache. He tried again to talk. "Where.. am I?" 

"A cell. That you got us in." Natasha was quick to blame, cold green eyes staring down at him. "We're compromised." 

The cell door opened up and Tony felt his heart stop for a second. It was just Steve. 

Steve. 

A spark of happiness ignited in his mind. The soldier wouldn't even give him a passing, going into a corner and leaning against the wall. 

"Well, hello to you too, Captain." 

"Why did you leave the suit?" He was glaring so hard at the floor Tony was surprised he didn't burn a hole into it. 

"What?"

"You heard me." 

Tony shrugged. "Call me old fashioned I just like it when my teammates aren't, y'now, dying from gunshot wounds." 

"You went against my direct orders. We're in this place because of-"

"Spare me the lecture. I get it, Tony Stark did a bad thing, uh oh. I've heard it before."

"I'll spare you the lecture when you finally start listening to me. What if you were killed out there?"

"Then hallelujah, I wouldn't have to hear your mouth anymore. You just expected me to blindly follow your orders like some dog? It was either leaving the suit or watching you die." 

Tony never got the pleasure of hearing Steve's lovely reply, seeing as the cell door opened back up and in stepped a pretty large dude holding a gun. He pointed at Tony, motioning for the probably concussed mechanic to stand up and follow him.

What other choice did he have to comply? 

Stumbling clumsily after the man, Tony saw another cell across from theirs. That had to be where Thor and Bruce were. Had to be. 

He was pushed ahead harshly, into a room that had one ominous char with a tray filled with contents he couldn't make out. His head was spinning again and he could barely process things. 

Getting practically thrown into the seat, Tony could only think about how much therapy he'd need after this. His hand and legs were binded with a rough rope. "Kinky but can't we use silk or something?" The man didn't even grace him with a response. 

"You're no fun!" Tony called out after the man when he left the room. He couldn't help the giggle that left his mouth when Raza walked in.

"How long has it been, Stark?"

"Don't know. How's your mom by the way?" Tony hummed. He ignored the growing ball of fear in his stomach. 

"Always quick with the comebacks." Raza replied calmly. "See- I only wanted you, I could care less about your team. But oh, what providence, yes? Divine intelligence, that your whole little group just walks on in." 

"I could care less, buddy. What do you want from me? Money? Weapons?.. A life?"

Tony couldn't help the wheeze that left his body when Raza's fist connected to his stomach. "I'm not the one to get my hands dirty, Mr. Stark. I'll leave the beatings to my associates. However, what I want from you? It's simple, if you cooperate." He glanced down at the arc reactor. 

Tony immediately retaliated. "Oh no, no no, and no. Over my dead body." 

"If it shall come to that, then yes." Raza called something out in another language, two men entered the room. One of them from earlier. 

"Aww, are they for me? You shouldn't have. My safeword's mango just so you guys know." Tony cooed. It didn't even get a smile out of the three of them. They don't appreciate his humor, apparently.

"I'll see you later, Mr. Stark." Raza patted his shoulder, leaving the room afterwards.

Tony squinted at his two new friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you get a gold star if you know where i got the chapter title
> 
> Also sorry for the late update 🥺🥺


	21. Torture, On a Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony getting the shit beat out of him but he tables the turns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gets a little violent in this chapter 🥺👉👈 like a lot violent

Pain ached throughout Tony's whole body. The two goons he nicknamed Panda and Grizzly weren't going light on him either. Whatever sarcastic and slick response he'd give to their questions would result to punches, slaps, being poked and prodded with things that electricuted, cut, and everything in between. 

"It'd be a shame to die over such a small device over this, Mr. Stark.' Panda said lowly, crouching down infront of Tony and tapping at the arc-reactor. He responded by spitting blood into his face. 

Panda growled, signalling to Grizzly to leave the room. He grabbed Tony by the hair and yanked his head back. "You just love being difficult, don't you?" 

"I'm told it's my specialty." He gasped, grinning widely. His ears picked up the sound of wheels rolling and water sloshing about. Not the most comforting thing right now. 

"We'll get this little thing, one way or another." Panda whispered roughly into his ear, releasing his hair. It took Tony a while to focus on the small tank of water in front of him. 

A hand placed on the back of his head. 

"How do you make the arc-reactor?" 

"Suck my di-" Grizzly wasted no time submerging Tony's head in water, holding it there till his body stopped thrashing. 

A quick jab in the ribcage. He repeated the question. "How do you make the arc-reactor?" 

"I dunno, might've left the blueprints at your mom's house." Tony barely got out a wheezy laugh before getting dunked again. They held him under for longer.

The mechanic spluttered and coughed after the ordeal, choking up water that he had involuntary inhaled. 

"We can only ask so many times, Stark." Panda chimed in, making no attempt to hide that he was sharpening something in the corner.

"I ain't.." Tony caught his breath. "Telling you.. shit." 

Grizzly gave an expectant look to Panda to which the other man nodded. 

He was pushed back under the water but this time he wasn't let back up.

* * *

The next time Tony regained consciousness the room was empty. He looked around and there wasn't a sign that water had been used in him. He looked down and he let out a shocked noise. 

Something was clamped down on the reactor, wires leading away from the clamps and into the darkness. Trying to break away from his constraints, which he knew was futile, Tony's head jerked up when the door swung open and revealed his old pal Grizzly. 

"We were worried we killed you, Stark." Grizzly started, giving an unnerving smile to the captive man. "You were out for almost two days, can you believe it?" 

"Judging you drowned me, not really. Did I forget to say my safeword?" 

Grizzly waved around a remote. "How much electricity can the arc-reactor handle before it breaks, Mr. Stark?" 

"Well, hardly think that's any of your business." Tony grumbled. Now he really wanted this clamps off.

"There's a first try for everything, yes?" He clicked the button. 

The pain Tony felt was unmatched, his body quivering from the shock, literally and physically. It promptly knocked him back out and he was quite thankful, really. 

He was woken up an hour later with a splash of cold water thrown from a bucket. His vision was blurry and doubled, voices calling out his name were faint and he could only groan in response. Tony had barely an inkling that he was getting moved but it was jarring when he was thrown onto a cold stone floor. 

He couldn't help the cry of pain he let out when he started to be moved from the ground into someplace.. warm. Tony pushed away the slender hand forcing his eyes to open.

The voice said something about a concussion and other things. He couldn't care though, he was tired and wanted to sleep.

* * *

Tony was barely aware he was being shifted around. His next pillow, or whatever it was, was way warmer and softer. It smelled like ~~_Steve?_~~ vanilla and he couldn't help but nestle in. His hearing wouldn't catch the memo, though. 

"They'll find us eventually, they have to. Shield won't leave us out to dry." 

"Clint, it's been four days since we've been caught and one of our only hopes is suffering from a concussion and probably worse."

"We'll find a way out, just a matter of time. We'll come up with a plan." The voice rumbled Tony from his half awake/half asleep state and he whined out this half assed response. 

"Lock..digy.." Tony locked his unfocused gaze on a pair of green eyes before slowly closing his eyelids, letting the bone deep tiredness overtake him. 

* * *

_Your parents have been in an accident, I'm afraid_

_Contact left!!_

_Jimmy, stay with Stark-_

_I'm gunna by you some time_

_Stick to the plan, stick to the plan. Stick to the plan stick to the plan stick to the plan stick to the plan stick to the plan-_

"Tony?" The gentlest of nudges on his shoulder and Tony looked up to be face to face with Captain America. 

"Hey, Stevie." He processed his surroundings. "Thanks for lending me your uh.. legs." 

"You were talking in your sleep." Natasha said in her iconic monotone voice but the slightest bit of emotion slipped by. "If you can think rational now, I have a question." 

Tony shrugged, which hurt like a bitch, letting himself relax back into Steve. 

"What were you saying earlier?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Lock digy, Stark. Keep up." 

"Oh. The uhhh, the lock's digital. I'm surprised you and Legolas didn't notice that... Where is Clint?" 

"Took him for questioning." Natasha answered stiffly. She didn't want to talk about it, well noted. "Think you can crack it?" 

"I can crack anything, given time."

Natasha nodded, sitting somewhat close to the soldier and the sleepy mechanic.

The quietness made him fall back into a reluctant slumber that he couldn't fight off.

Tony was awoken again a few hours later with Natasha cryptically saying "It's night."

"Christ, is your internal clock that good?" He let out a subdued noise of surprise when Clint, although all bruised up, placed a few sharpened tools in his hands. "Wow, you're good. Give me a few hours, tops." 

Tony set to work, measuring out the lock in his mind. It was a simple digital lock, not easy to unlock but was the equivalent of a locker number code in highschool. If he wasn't disturbed, or didn't collapse from pain, they should be out of here. 

"Natasha, my dear, be a lookout?" Tony hummed, tenderly cracking open the lock. "I already have a horrible headache and I don't think a bullet would make it better."

While the SHIELD spy kept an eye out, Tony smiled when the door clicked open. It took an hour with little to no interruptions. Either the lock was just super shitty or he was better than he thought. "Sirs and ma'am." Tony did a sarcastic bow. Sadly, that was the wrong move and messed with his sense of awareness. 

He stumbled forward, catching himself on the wall and sinking down. Tony felt nauseous and shook his head whenever Clint tried to make him stand. 

"Steve, carry him." 

"I don't think he'll like that-"

"I don't care what he likes." Natasha snapped. "Now pick him up." 

Tony stifled a pained grunt when an arm was slipped under his legs and behind his back. The look of disdain he held in eye for Steve spoke enough volumes. His pride.. it's the most wounded right now.

Natasha quickly took out the guard rounding the corner, grabbing the gun and whatever else the poor bastard had. 

A huff of air left her nose, waving around a piece of paper. "The code to Bruce and Thor's cell is on this." 

"How convenient. Now can we please hurry up because the more I get carried the more my dignity dies." Tony snarked out, glaring at the soldier.

Putting in the code, Natasha slowly opened the cell door, holding up the gun and observing the room. Empty, despite their two obvious goals. 

"Save the pleasantries for later, we gotta go." Clint hissed from the doorframe, footsteps approaching them. Natasha mumbled in Russian, shooting the locks until they broke, which was a while and of course alerted the guards who were walking by. 

"You folks have fun I'll just chill here or something." Tony gave a peace sign as he was set down. 

It didn't take long, which was unsurprising and disappointing, before the weakened mechanic was picked back up and Tony could say for certain that he hated his life at this moment. "I'm trusting you have a gun?" 

"Yes, Tony." Steve hissed quietly. 

"Can I have it?" 

"You lack basic motor functions, I'm not giving you a gun." He growled.

Tony mocked him under his breath, crossing his arms and watching as the group essentially shot their way out of that corridor. Everything was going haphazardly okay. No one they cared about was dead yet and all they had to do was find their stuff. Mjolnir was still outside, it had to be. 

All the other things? Well, that was a bit more difficult. "Clint and Thor, go get our stuff." 

"Yessir." The archer and thunder God went off, rounding the corner and disappearing. Four left. 

"Tony, I'm gunna leave you here for a while okay? I'll be bac-" 

"Sure cap. I'm not a kid, no need to promise me that you won't leave me strung up." He propped his back against the wall once he was set down. Steve looked down at him, worried, but didn't say anything else. Natasha and him left, leaving just Bruce with the half conscious man. 

"Congratulations, Brucie-bear, there's a weapon that can kill you." Tony slapped him on the back, smiling. "How does it feel to be mortal like the rest of us, not counting Cap n' Thor." 

Bruce only frowned. "You really got your head banged up, huh? Your pupils are freaking out." 

"I'll be fine once we get out of this hell-hole." 

A click of a gun and Tony looked towards the direction of the sound. 

Ah, Raza. Right, this is his little circus he's running. "That's if you get out, Tony Stark." 

Bruce's skin flashed green, growing before settling back down to his normal height. " _Tsk-Tsk_ , I wouldn't do that Doctor Banner. See, if you change now this place will collapse. I'm sure you'll survive but everyone else? Well, I'm not sure they can handle it." 

"What're you gunna do, kill me?"

"Of course not, you're just a bystander. I want to kill Stark."

Tony cringed away in pain when Raza shot a bullet into his arm, definitely shattering a bone. He expected a burning sensation in his body but all he felt was numb. Cool, cool. His adrenaline is kicking in at the weirdest time. 

"We could've avoided this whole thing, Stark. This whole damn thing if you just did what I said!" He snarled, grabbing Tony by his wounded arm and holding the gun to his head. 

"I expect you to stay right there, Doctor Banner, unless you want to scrape up Stark's brain to bring home." The terrorist spat, pressing the barrel harshly into his temple. 

Tony swallowed thickly, but the laugh he wanted to let out when he saw the look on Clint's face when he came back. 

Soon, they were having another stand off. 

Five versus one plus a hostage. 

Tony had to act and he had to act fast. "So what, you kill us? What's next? You brag to the media and blow America to kingdom come? You fuck everyone over who's fucked you?" 

Raza chuckled in response. "The world is disgusting and impure. We need.. a reckoning day. A second coming. The toxic will die while my people come to reclaim what's rightfully there's. And.. I'll happily kill who gets in my way. If you don't believe me you can go ask Yinsen." 

Tony lost a connection to reality. He jammed his elbow into Raza's stomach, grabbing the gun and emptying the rounds into his chest. 

He didn't stop there.

Why should he? 

Flipping to hold the barrel, he ignored the burning he felt in his palm before bashing in his head with the grip of the gun. He kept beating into Raza's head until it cracked open like some sort of sick egg, blood and pieces of brain gushing out. 

Tony wouldn't stop. 

He wouldn't have stopped if Clint didn't pull him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wash your hands, take your vitamins, limit time outside, and leave a comment 
> 
> Love you guys and stay safe 😳💞💞


	22. Lima Bean Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if you listen to Jack Stauber and you know this song then you know whats bout to go down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how much goddamn times have I used   
> the word elevator in this godforsaken fanfic 😔😔

Natasha got hold of SHIELD and after a painfully silent hour later, Coulson came to pick them up in the quinjet. 

Tony didn't complain when Bruce dug the bullet out of his arm and bandaged him up.

He stared down at ground with blank eyes. No one wanted to talk about what happened back there. The tension was so thick it could be cut with a dull knife. They landed after what seemed forever, Coulson asking if he could walk and Tony took personal offense to that because yeah, the ground was spinning and flashes of white danced in his vision but he can walk, thank you very much. 

He didn't bother holding back the groan of annoyance when he saw Nick Fury. Tony was damn there dragged into the hospital wing of the SHIELD headquarters along with everyone else.

"C'mon miss, I'm fine." He tries to persuade but the nurse wasn't having any of it, suturing his wounds- all that jazz and, quite annoyingly, checking for internal damage. 

"You have a concussion, a shattered shoulder blade, and a few cracked ribs. Just take it easy for a few weeks, maybe about two months, and you should be good to go." 

Tony grumbled quietly, looking down at the white shoulder cast. "Yeah, sure lady. Thanks." He didn't miss the look of dissapointment from the nurse before she left the room. Nor did he miss the hospital door locking which he found cute. They really thought a little lock was going to stop him. 

...

Okay, maybe it will but that's because he's tired and he's clocking out.

* * *

Tony was discharged after a few days. He was the last one to be released, having to be taxi'd home due to all the things wrong with his body. Stepping into the Avengers Tower and into the elevator, his thoughts spiraled everywhere. 

_You killed him_

_Yeah, it was self defense asshole_

_Self defense?! You cracked open his head like it was some sort of fucked up rotten pumpkin_

_That's rich coming from you, what was I supposed to do?_

_Stop beating in his body! You're a fucking monster and now your team knows, congratulations. All that work for what huh? Really cashing in on that nickname, Merchant of Death. Certainly does suit someone with such a sick mindset of yours_

The elevator door's opened.. the lounge room was empty. 

He scared them off. 

Of course he did this was it this was the breaking point and everyone hates him and now they're gone and Steve's gone and they think he's disgusting and weird and a murderer and- 

"Did you break out or were you released?" 

OH thank God. "Nope, I did my time like a legal citizen. Where's everybody?" Tony walked ahead of Steve, snapping his fingers and greeting Jarvis. 

"Asleep. All of this took a toll but I think you got the worst of it." 

"You wound me, soldier." He fell onto the couch, nestling his back into the cushions. "Sit, I need someone to bother and judge movies with." 

"Alright, but I'm choosing." Steve sat next to him, smiling at the whine Tony let out when his legs were moved.

They, they as in Steve while Tony complained about every option he considered, chose a movie. They eventually decided on the travesty known as the Bee Movie. Most of the two's commentary was stupid jokes and them giggling like two teenage schoolgirls. At some point, Tony's legs found their way into Steve's lap and he expected them to be shoved off. 

But they weren't. 

The soldier placed a hand into his calf and that one, small.. little act of kindness made dopamine ricochet everywhere in his confused mind. Tony's mouth dried up and he was tempted to not even breath. 

They ended up watching all of the Shrek Sagas, still giggling and cracking business like it was nobody's business and staying in that same position. Once the final movie had ended, Steve spoke up. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

Tony waved his hand as a go ahead, trying to follow along with the credits. 

"Why did you- ah- what happened back there? With that guy and the gun? You lost it." 

"I didn't _lose it,_ Capsicle. I just did what had to be done." 

"You could've stopped after you shot him, that's what I'm getting at. You should have stopped." 

"I'm sorry, why are we talking about this? It happened, it's over, we're all alive, let's just take the victory and call it a day." 

"I saw that look in your eyes, Tony. What happened? What did he do to you? Fury said you've met with this group before and-" 

"Good fucking god, are we playing twenty questions?!" Tony's voice cracked roughly, making himself sit up despite the pain. "I know my rights, I know gasp, so I don't have to tell you nothing." 

"I know you don't, but I'd like to know what happened." 

"Why?" 

"Because it's my job to-

Tony sneered at him. "Let me cut you off there, bud. You wanna know what he did?" He tapped at the device embedded in his chest. "They played God and meddled with life itself. While you were doing fuck all in a goddamn icetray, I had to save my ass from the same people who caught us two weeks ago." 

Steve held Tony stare. 

Tony was the first to back down. 

"I understand you were upset, okay? I get that completely. But if Fury caught wind of what you did to him, he wouldn't be happy." 

"So what? All five you lied to Mister Pirate? Don't fuck with me, Rogers." 

"We did precisely that." Steve shrugged, lifting his hand from the legs resting on his lap. It left an empty feeling in his stomach after its wake. "I knew whats-his-name did something to you, I assumed something in Afghanistan. I knew you wanted to kill him, but I didn't expect you to split his skull in two." 

"Okay, I might've gone too far, but I can't apologize. What I can do, is ruin the rest of your night." 

"How?" 

"The Barbie movie sagas."

* * *

Steve politely excused himself once the clock hit half past one in the morning, bidding Tony a goodnight before entering into the elevator. 

Tony himself had a bad time standing up and going into his private, yes private leave him alone, elevator right down to his workshop. 

Dummy and You were estatic seeing their creator, beeps and chirps filling the space while they poked and prodded. Tony ran his free hand along their arms and sensors, patting the claws before sitting down in his chair. "Jarvis, my bouncing baby boy, pull up those blueprints from like.. a month ago. Let's get another crack at that."

"Sir, while I am quite happy from your return, I must suggest against working right now. You have a mild concussion."

"That's right, my dear J. Mild. Not great, not terrible. Daddy'll be fine. Blueprints, please." A whir of fans that could only be counted as a robotic sigh, Jarvis followed the commands. 

Tony could only work until a quarter after three before his body went into auto-drive. A headache having a rave party in his skull while he laid his arms on the desk, resting his head on the aforementioned arms. 

He woke up to Jarvis calling his name frantically. 

"J, J.." Tony groaned. "Calm down, honey pie. What's wrong?" 

"Colonel Rhodes has came over, sir. Him and Agent Coulson are awaiting you."

"Five dollars say they found my baby pictures." Tony laughed to himself. "Tell them to give me a second." 

"Of course, sir." 

The supposed 'second' was, in reality, another ten minutes. They were waiting in the kitchen. Rhodey leaning against the wall and Coulson suspiciously sitting down at the island. Then again, everything that man does is suspicious in Tony's opinion.

"What, we having an intervention? Is it for Clint? I bet it's for Clint he acts like he's on crack all the time. Where is everybody else, actually?" 

"Tones, sit down." Rhodey instructed gently, motioning towards an empty seat. 

Now, Tony was not vibing with whatever was happening. "I'm gunna pass you on that offer, platypus. See I have a few things to get done and if I don't-" 

"Yeah, I know. Just listen for a while, okay?" 

No one was looking him in the eye. He still sat down, his leg starting to shake. "Can someone please tell me what's going on? I feel like I'm about to get the worst lawsuit of my life." 

Coulson wouldn't even give him a sideye, effectively making Tony more paranoid than before.

"Okay, you two are genuinely making me nervous now. Did I do something dumb again? I swear, it must've been by accident cause I-"

"Tony, just shut up and listen. Please, for once stay quiet." Rhodey begged harshly, finally meeting the man's gaze. 

His leg was shaking so hard it was close to hitting the edge. Tony reluctantly agreed. 

"Pepper's dead, Tony. She passed away." Coulson said slowly. 

It didn't click. "What?" 

"It happened when you were stuck in the hospital." 

"No that- nah." A nervous laugh."If this is a joke it's a little fucked up. People don't just up and did like- like that.. what?" Something wasn't connecting.

Pepper? Dead? 

She can't be dead.

_She can't be d e a d._

Those two words don't work together, no way. It's not logical. 

"Please, try to understand." Rhodey approached him and Tony panicked, standing up and knocking over the chair.

"I- Uhm.. I gotta.. go." He muttered the last part quickly, shoving past Rhodey and into the elevator. He unclipped the shoulder cast, yelling for Jarvis to suit him up and to open up the garage.

In less than five minutes Tony was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony at the end said: aight imma head out 🤭
> 
> Anyways stay safe, take care of yourself, sanitize your hands, 6 feet away, stay indoors if you can help it   
> And leave a comment/ kudos 😌❣️❣️💕 love y'all


	23. Can I Get a Ride Home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little bit of angst   
> a little bit of :)   
> and a little bit of 💕

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao watch me end this gang on like chapter 100

"Wait, he's gone?!" Clint exclaimed, causing to Steve look up from his sketchbook, giving Coulson an incredulous look. Tony just up and left?

"He didn't take the unfortunate news.. well. I sent Colonel Rhodes home to let him grieve." 

"Phil, are you good?" Natasha shot the agent a glance from the sofa.

"What I am doesn't matter right now. I need a few of you to find Stark before he does anything irrational. Any volunteers?" 

No one even made a peep but Thor eventually spoke up. "Perhaps we should wait until Brother Anthony returns on his own accord." He said slowly, the smell of freshly fallen rain filling the air. A surefire sign of him being upset, sad, worried. 

"I'll give him by tomorrow morning to get back here, understand?" The agent said sternly, not waiting for a response before leaving. 

The silence wasted no time making everyone uncomfortable. 

"I'm.. sure he'll be alright." Bruce mumbled, more to himself than everyone else. 

"Define alright." Clint scoffed. "Way too much has been happening to us in the last few weeks and Stark's practically getting the worst of it. I'm going to go look for him."

"No, you're not." Steve swiped away the eraser shavings. "He'll come back by tomorrow. If not, he'll definitely come for the.."

"The funeral?"

"Yeah, the funeral. Just let him be by himself for a few hours." 

* * *

A day passed, the clock barely tipping nine in the morning. There was no word from Tony and Jarvis took a vow of silence for his creator, refusing to speak of his location no matter how they phrased it. 

Natasha made sure to call Rhodey and Coulson, letting them know there was no sign of the man and checking on their emotional state. The tower was unnaturally silent. 

There was no one blasting music. 

No suspicious booms or clanks. 

No excited yelling, trying to get anyone's attention to show them a new thing he built or talk about schematics. 

It was just silence.

Though, it had started raining. It poured on and on, broken by the occasional low rumble of thunder. It didn't make Steve feel any better about Tony being outside the tower. 

The media caught wind of Pepper's passing and they wanted no time devouring it. Some were sympathetic and giving their condolences while other demanded answers and trying to pin the death on somebody which Steve found despicable. 

He felt.. cold looking out the window and to the gloomy and gray horizon from his room. He was wearing a hoodie but the chill still settled into his bones, a shudder making its way through his body unannounced. 

Hours trickled by that felt like years. He glanced at the clock. 

Thirty past one.

..

"Jarvis, may- ah.. I'm going out to find Tony, if anyone asks where I went." Steve said quickly, throwing on a coat. He'd probably seem like a hypocrite to Clint. 

It took him an ungodly amount of time to search the winding streets of New York, politely greeting people who went up to him and slowed his mission. The sun was beginning to set along the pallette of grey hues, the rain and thunder never ceasing. 

The sigh of relief he let out when he saw a familiar glint of red and gold from the top of a building. He wasted no time, going inside and asking if he could go on the roof. They said yes, of course.

Steve opened the rooftop door, the Iron-Man suit standing near the edge and seemingly empty. He started fearing the worst when a meek voice spoke up from behind him.

"Can't hide from you, can't I?" 

"You almost did, this time." Steve turned around, looking down at Tony sitting on an air duct vent and positively drenched. "You're going to catch a cold." 

Tony didn't react, not even a blink. He didn't even give Steve a passing glance when he sat down next to him. 

Though, he did sniffle when a coat was placed around his shoulder. 

"I mean.. it is a pretty view, if it wasn't so grey and rainy right now. I should bring my sketchbook here sometime." 

Tony simply pulled the coat closet to himself, his breath beginning to hitch. 

Steve continued talking. He didn't stay on one topic, talking about random tidbits and things he remembered.

"I'm not much of a fan of trains anymore because of.. an incident that happened before I was- Are you okay?" 

Tony nodded despite the silent sobs he was trying to stifle, making him hiccup. He turned away from Steve, hunching his shoulders in defense. 

"Sorry- fuck I- God, why am I fucking _crying_ , this is so goddamn stupid.." Tony choked out between an audible whimper and choke. 

"Can I touch you?" 

"Kin- that's kinky." 

Steve rolled his eyes, sighing as he pulled Tony into a hug. "God, you're cold.."

He didn't mention the subtle movements of the trembling man nudging himself deeper into the hug and burying his face into his chest. 

They stayed like that in the rain. 

The sunset turning into a purple and blue sky, the storm turning into a light drizzle. 

Thor finally calmed down.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" 

"..No." 

A beat of silence.

"Can I get a ride home..?"

"Sure, Tony."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You cuties know the deal   
> Stay safe   
> And stay commenting   
> It don't even need to be about the fanfic I just love hearing from y'all 😌💕💕


	24. Can’t Speak, Sleep, or Eat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y’all smell that? it’s the smell of Tony not letting himself be emotionally healthy 😳

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🔫 y’all better be staying safe out there and washing your hands
> 
> Also!! We out here!!! Reaching 1000+ hits!!! 😳😳 y’all really out here reading my sad sad fanfic love y’all for it   
> 🔫 also follow my Instagram I make art @lennyfaceovo

Death.

It’s a weird concept, Tony realized, despite being surrounded by death everywhere he stepped foot. People who were close to him have died before, that’s not a surprise, but this? This was a new hurt. 

A fresh, heart throbbing hurt that he couldn’t fathom or even begin to describe. It was best if he closed himself off from everyone else. Can’t get hurt if no one can hurt you. Tony locked the himself in the workshop, not letting anyone see him- telling Jarvis to send away anyone who even came five feet to the doors. 

He didn’t build.

He didn’t sleep.

He especially didn’t eat. 

Doing the most basic daily tasks were too much of a hassle for him. He mostly just laid on the worn out couch covering himself with the oil stained blanket and yeah, sure he should probably lay on a real, actual comfy bed but moving around seeped up any energy he could retain. 

Tony didn’t cry. He was pissed enough from that little rooftop scene because people like him don’t cry. But he did, and he hated it. 

Just for an additional kick to the face, the funeral was this week and it occurred to the bundle of buried emotions that he stayed in the workshop for six days.

It still wasn’t clicking properly for him. Pepper, dead. Hmm. His parents? Yeah, they’re stone cold- dust made of bones probably.

Yinsin? Sure, he’s a bit bitter about it still but it isn’t changing the fact.

Obediah? Gone, zapped to hell, quite literally. 

And countless of others from his bloodstained hands. 

But Pepper? Great people, actual godsends weren’t supposed to die. It didn’t make sense because _she was not supposed to die._

* * *

“Sir, are you awake?” 

Tony could’ve swore he muted him. 

“Always. What is it J?”

”The funeral is today, I’m afraid, and you’ve been asked to speak honoring Miss Potts’ behalf. The time to arrive is around noon, on the dot.” 

“Cool, cool, uh- shit-“ Stumbling around, Tony’s vision didn’t focus until he stared intensely at the corner of the table. He disregarded Jarvis’ recommendation to eat something.

It was nine.. something in the morning. Three hours. Everyone else was probably up so he had to time his leave perfectly to avoid a painful conversation.

Tony was two feet away from his room before Natasha caught him. “I thought I’d have to drag you out from your cave.”

”Glad I beat you to it, excuse me.” Tony tried to get by her but she wouldn’t budge. 

“This isn’t healthy.” 

“Oh, the Black Widow cares about my wellbeing, is it my birthday?” 

“You can bullshit yourself and everyone else but you can’t fool me, Stark.” Natasha stepped out of his way. “And don’t be late for this, okay?” 

“Can spies even go to funerals?” 

“If we’re smart about it.” 

“Mmm-“ Tony waved goodbye at her sarcastically before shutting the door. Sliding his back down against it, he rested his forehead against his knees. He sat in that same spot for a good hour before getting a gentle reminder from Jarvis. 

Tony took a shower, doing all he needed to do before staring at his closest.

He chose the classic gloomy colors, dark blue suit, all that good stuff. It was only eleven thirty in the morning at that point and Tony was nipping at the skin on the side of his fingers. 

_His parents had closed caskets, his father’s head was practically smashed in and his mother’s neck was broken beyond repair-_

Sure, Tony’s seen dead bodies, no biggie. But you can’t blame him if the fact that he’d have to stare at a pale corpse of someone who he loved unconditionally and would do anything for, freaked him out. 

Tony barely made conversation in the car ride. He was paired with Clint and Happy was kind enough to offer to drive them.

“Tony if you need anyone to talk to, really, I’m here for you. Don’t forget that.”

“I’m fine, Clint, Christ..” Tony glared at him through his tinted glasses. “Don’t throw me a damn pity party.”

Clint thoroughly received his cold shoulder, looking out his respective window and Tony doing the same. No words were exchanged after that.

They arrived and Tony would be caught dead before he let anyone in this damned place see him all teary-eyed and choked up. He was the life of the party everywhere he went and he wasn’t going to stop now.

There was.. a lot of people.  
A lot.

While everyone went up to the casket and said their goodbyes, Tony didn’t it. He froze up and twitched when Rhodey asked if he was okay in a low voice.

“Why does everyone keep on asking me that? You’re like, the twelfth person.”

“I’m just worried for you.”

“Don’t be, honeybear, I’m right as rain. Now excuse me, I have to put the fun in funeral.” Patting Rhodey on the back, Tony tried not to think about the corpse he was beside while on the podium stand.

“Okay, eulogy.” Tony mumbled to himself, tapping his fingers on the stand. “Okay! Virginia ‘Pepper’ Potts, named after a whole state and nicknamed because she resembled a pepper. She was deathly allergic to strawberries but I could never remember that. Stuck her hands in my chest once and I think that’s when I realized ‘Ah, yes, my muse. I’ve found my muse.”

Tony told a few stories about her, getting some laughs out of the crowd. He felt like he was going to faint. “Moral of these stories? There’s no moral, just wanted to add something happy to this already shitty enough day. I think she’d like that, but I wouldn’t know.”

He made the mistake of taking too long of a look at Pepper. Her lifeless face got burned into his mind and he felt nausea fill his poor, empty stomach. Tony did his signature leave sign before going to sit down, ignoring the clapping and blocking out everything else.

The rest of the funeral went smoothly as a funeral could go but he was thanked for making it less depressing. He gave his best smile.

Tony ended up sitting outside the funeral home on the steps, glancing up at the sound of footsteps. “Hey it’s my favorite old man. Actually wait- third favorite. First is that guy down on Baker Street who runs that little bread shop. Second is Berry White but she’s a woman so does it count? Actually, yeah it does.”

Steve sat next to him, looking straight ahead.

“You look surprisingly well in a suit. Still prefer the white t-shirt and sweatpants, leaves a lot for the imagination.” He purred. Steve wasn’t biting to the bait.

“God, you’re boring today.” He grumbled. Tony kept talking, however. The silence would get to him. He talked about everything and anything.

Eventually, he ran out of things to say, which pissed him off. “Well, fuck you too Rogers.”

“If you’re done, I’d like to ask how you’re holding up.” Steve finally turned to face him.

“If one more person asks me that today I’m going to riot, I swear to God. I’m fucking fine, okay? Stop asking me useless questions.”

“I’m sor-“

“Fuck your sorries. Do me favor and leave me alone, okay?” Tony snarked out, refusing to look at the soldier. He got the memo and left.

The car ride back to the tower was even worse because Tony didn’t want it to be quiet and Clint wasn’t making any attempt at conversation. He felt like the walls were closing in and Tony couldn’t handle it, he couldn’t breath and he _was freaking the fuck out-_

“Boss, we’re here.”

“Thanks, Hap. Listen, if you need anything just give a call, okay? Vacation, whatever, I’ll do it. Got it?”

Happy gave a nod for conformation, waiting until Clint left the car before taking off. Tony didn’t wait for his teammate before heading inside. He slipped by Natasha before she could get a single word and went right down to the workshop. Tony let himself deflate with a sigh before plopping himself into a chair, closing his eyes.

“About time you got here.”

“Holy shit!-“ Tony wheezed out, jumping away from Rhodey who spoke from the couch.

“Jesus Christ, who let you in here?!”

“Myself, thank you.”

He let out a scoff, rolling his eyes. “Well I’d like you to leave, sweetums. I’m busy.”

“No you’re not, you just got here.” Tony mocked him with his hand, frowning when Rhodey came over and spun the chair so he’d be facing his friend.

“Talk to me, Tones.”

“No.”

“You’ve been through hell back and forth in less than two months. Please, Tony. I just need to know you’ll be alright. I’ll be gone on deployment for God knows how long by tomorrow and I need to know that you’ll be alright.”

“I’m fine, dear. See?” Tony sarcastically threw up his arms. “All great over here.”

“No you’re not.”

“Like you would know.”

“You know I would.”

Tony looked into his worried eyes and he instantly got choked up. He wanted to punch himself. “I didn’t get to say goodbye. It’s fucking stupid but I didn’t get to say goodbye to my parents and now, I- I just.. what are the chances? I’m getting patched up while she’s dying and-“ He internally winced when he heard his voice crack like a pubescent teenage boy.

He didn’t fight back when Rhodey hugged him, rubbing his back. Tony sounded like a goddamn baby but he couldn’t stop the tears. Eventually, though, eventually they died down enough for him to let out a weak laugh. “This is stupid.”

“It’s not stupid, Tony. Please, I’m imploring you, talk to someone, okay? A shrink- one of the six freaking people who live here, anyone. Just don’t bury your feelings.”

“Implore? What is this, court?” He joked, getting a sigh out of Rhodey before he pulled away.

“I mean it, okay? Listen, I gotta go but I will be calling to check up on you.” A quick one sided hug and a Rhodey stood up. “I love you, alright?” “Aww, thanks mom.” Tony called out after his friend leaving from his sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony, feeling himself spiral down into the grieving process: 👁👄👁 i cannot feel, i am not feeling, i do not feel the emotions
> 
> Anyways y’all know what I want 🥺👉👈


	25. Snitches Get Flirted With

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steve being a snitch ass bitch, snitch ass.  
> and just a little.. a liiiiiiiiittle bit of Tony being angy  
> again  
> because hes jussst a little babey  
> with a dash of flirting because im the chef of this souffle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this turning into a stony fanfic? listen i may be the chef of this story i never said i was a world class one  
> come back after a few days and ask me again

“Tell Fury to shove it, I’m not talking to the glorified pirate.” Tony pushed away the plate of food handed to him. He’s been living off of smoothies. 

“He’s not gunna like that.” Clint said in a singsong voice.

”I don’t care what he likes, he gets in my way with all of his director..ing.” 

“It’s directing, and you should go before he drags you out of here.” Bruce pushed the plate towards Tony again. He pushed it back. A silent war.

”Or worse, Natasha breaks your kneecaps.” Clint snickered, picking off of Tony’s plate when it was pushed back towards him. “You should go.” 

Tony groaned, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t want to go outside, the sun’s mean.” He whined. “Can you go for me, Brucie? Honey? Apple of my eye?” 

“No.” 

“Well, you’re mean anyways.” He stood up, flicking Clint in the ear and leaving the kitchen. “Tell Captain Jack I’m on my way.”

Tony was actually hesitant to go outside. No doubt the paparazzi would be lurking about like sharks, snapping up anything he said, especially after the.. 

He reached one of his least favorite buildings, running twenty minutes late by sitting in the car trying to catch his breath. He was panicking and he couldn’t even tell why. Biting too hard on his finger, it broke the skin and the taste of copper filled his mouth faintly. Tony stared at the small wound in childlike wonder, watching the even smaller line of blood trickle down his finger. 

He wiped off his hand and got out the car.

* * *

“Nicky!!” Tony gasped in a feigned excited voice. “Oh, my sweet, one-eyed, monster. How have you been?” 

“Take a seat, Stark.” 

Tony did just that, setting his feet on the table. “What did I do this time?”

”Well for starters, I’d like to offer my condolences-“ 

“Please just get on with this, okay? You dragged me out here all by my lonesome and I’d like to get back to the comforts of my abode.” 

A scoff. “We are setting you up with a therapist.” 

Tony almost fell off his seat. He had to laugh. “A therapist? Sorry, Nicky, but I don’t do shrinks. Plus, I don’t need one.” 

“You think I didn’t hear about that little fiasco with mister Raza? The fact that you beat his skull in so much it was the equivalent to gravel? Or that little disappearing act you pulled? You’ve been acting out, Stark. Like it or not, you’re going to a therapist.” 

Tony and Fury began a silent stare off. No one would back down. Tony, lowly, as if trying to confirm it with himself, said “I don’t need one.”

”Then prove it. Go to your scheduled session, let a trained professional go digging around, and if she comes up with nothing to be worried about- then I’ll let you off the hook.”

He broke the stare, staring down at the table. “Fine, whatever. When’s the appointment?” 

“Thursday, twelve thirty.”

Tony left with a racing mind and a beating heart, a reoccurring thought kept snaking its way back in. _Who the hell squealed?_

* * *

“How’d it go?” Natasha looked up at him from the couch, closing the book she’d been reading. 

“Are you just always on the couch or do you like creeping me out every single day?"

"Shut up and sit with me, Stark."

Tony squinted at her, not hiding his suspicion. Despite his better judgement, he sat next to her. A swift punch was landed onto his upper arm. " _OW-_ what the fu- ow!!" Shying away from Natasha, Tony grabbed a throw pillow, shielding himself for anymore future hits. "What the hell was that for?"

"Despite how intelligent you are, you sure suck at figuring out your feelings." 

Tony whined, burying his face into the pillow. "I don't need someone like you to scold me, I'm needed because of my mind, not because I can empathize with other people. I don't see you coddling everyone, Miss Spider."

Another punch, this time aimed at his thigh. He cringed away expectantly when the fist raised again "Stop hitting me, you cruel woman." Tony yelped.

"Then stop avoiding this conversation." 

Natasha grabbed onto his wrist when Tony stood up, the man immediately snatching away his limb. " _Don't touch me-"_

The smidge of progress she made was instantly snatched away. The walls were up and the panic settled in perfectly in his mind. "I.. Sorry- I have to go."

"Tony, wait-"

"R&D are waiting on some stuff anyways, I gotta- yeah.." Tony attempted to raise his arm as a goodbye but pain shot through it. "Bye, Natashalie."

He asked Jarvis where Steve was located once he was hiding away in the elevator, pressing his aching arm against the coolness of the machine. "Captain Rogers is currently located in his room."

"Take me to him." 

"Sir, your arm, I suggest-"

"Jarvis, I could care less about your suggestions right now, okay?"

"...Yes, sir." The elevator lurched into motion, stopping once they reached Steve's floor.

Once the door's had opened Tony didn't bother knocking, busting into his room and giving the poor soldier a heart-attack. "Oh!- Sweet cinnamon-" 

" _You snitched._ " 

"What?" Steve picked up the art supplies he'd dropped. "And you could've knocked, Tony."

"You snitched! It's- You aren't my goddamn caretaker, Rogers. I don't need you spreading my business out and about to Fury."

"I didn't tell Fury, I told Coulson." Steve crumbled up a paper from the sketchbook, throwing it into the overflowing metal waste bin. "If he went to Fury, I had no say in it. I'm sorry."

"Fuck your sorry, snitch."

"Look, I know you're upset with me. But we need to work together on this one."

"But it's more than 'Being upset with you.' What you did? You betrayed my trust. Not betrayed- you wiped the floor with it you baby blue eyed bastard." Tony threw a pencil at his head. "Listen, Patriot Pants. I don't have a ridiculous amount of muscles or strength. But I will happily kick you in the shins with my iron boots. I never wanted your help, I _never wanted_ you here!" 

"Yet, I'm still here aren't I?" Steve crumbled up another paper, another thrown aimed at the bin. "Still being your friend." 

"We're not friends. You're the equivalent to penne lisce."

Steve crossed his legs against the mattress. "Penne.. what?"

"Penne fucking lisce!! You may be smooth and pleasing to the eyes, but you can't hold onto shit! And a lot of people might think 'Oh! What a cute pasta!' but in reality, you're a vile and disgusting filth I'll die before even letting my tongue touch."

"Okay.. I-" 

"Actually, I'd let my tongue touch you." Tony winked at him, lavishing in the way Steve's reddened. 

"Are- what- you can't change the topic so suddenly, Tony." 

"Mmm, yes I can. Doing it right now. Y'know, you are very tasteful to look at with sweatpants on, quite the eye can- Jesus!" A swift tug on his shirt knocked him down onto the bed and the wind wheezed out of him like a deflating balloon. "Dick."

"My name's Steve."

They talked about anything and everything, Tony not bothering to move from where he was knocked down on and Steve crossed legged drawing out sketches of Tony and other things. Tony had stopped cutting in as much, and when he did it was a giggle and a lamely placed joke laced with sleepiness. He wanted to close his eyes, let the darkness nudge in like it was meant to. 

Instead, Tony could only drunkenly wave around his hand that felt like it was lit on fire. He whined childishly to the jumbled words of Steve's voice when it said something about sleep. "Whaaat? No, no I'm not- not tired, don't be stupid.."

“Do you really not consider me a friend, Tony?”

”You’re being stupid, of course I consider you a friend. But you are a giant pain in the ass though, and not in the way I’d like.” Tony purred.

“You need to sleep, Tony. You’re exhausted and barely functioning.” 

“I’m functioning enough to give you the time of your life, Cap’n.” Tony purred, but all he could do was flash a lazy peace sign at him before instinctively burrowing himself into the blanket that was lain atop of his body. He would’ve retaliated if the comforter didn’t reek of the entrancing smell of vanilla. 

He barely coined in the fact that the lights were lowered and windows darkened. Sleep was getting hard to shake off. “I don’t want too..” Tony wheezed out quietly. 

“Why?” 

“Fifth amendment.” Tony didn’t catch anything else said after that two worded statement. His body forcing itself to shut down. He could only accept his fate and wait for the terrors to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🔫 wash ur GODDAMN hands or istg I’ll eat ur toes at 4:30 AM don’t test me


	26. It’s Not Deflecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a liiiiiiittle team bonding   
> just a little   
> as a treat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @emerald 🔫 you get ur wrists back in two chapters   
> and @ everyone else 🥰🥰 that’s for you

Thursday came too quickly. 

Granted, he was asleep for most of it, almost three days to be exact. Still tangled up against the blanket, Tony sat up and squinted around in confusion. Everything reeked of the entrancing smell of vanilla He definitely wasn’t on his couch. Rays of soft purple lights leaked onto the bed. It was nighttime. 

The room was lacking in another person and he _hated it_ kicked off the comforter trying to lure him back into the realm of sleep. Rubbing his eyes, Tony gave himself a few minutes to figure out what day it was. 

“Jarvis?”

“Active and present sir. It is a cool Wednesday night at eight thirty, the temperature being fifteen degrees, a fifteen percent chance of precipitation, and partly cloudy.” 

“Cool, cool. Am I still in Rogers’ room?”

“Indeed, sir. Captain Rogers was kind enough to let you sleep. Everyone is gathered in the lounge room for ‘Movie Night’.” 

Tony yawned out a thank you, stumbling like a drunk toddler towards the door and leaving the room. 

He reached the lounge room with heavy eyes and a dramatic gasp. “You guys are watching Sweeney Todd without me?” 

“We barely started it, we’re at the part where Sweeney meets Miss Lovett.” Bruce reassured, patting the empty space between him and Natasha. 

Oh, the goddamn irony. He had to sit next to the woman who he cold shouldered. Tony still sat though, he didn’t want to be in his workshop right now. “Lemme guess, Point Break and Dinner Plate’s first time seeing this?” 

Thor tried to speak up for himself, saying that there wasn’t any technology like this back on Asgard, but Tony kept on calling them excuses. 

“The only person who does have an excuse for not seeing this movie is Steve the Snitch over there.” 

“If you don’t shut up I swear I will break your already broken arm.” Natasha snapped, kicking him in the leg. After a few well placed insults and laughs from Clint, they settled down. 

...

Up until the thirty minute mark. 

“Adolfo Pirelli is Tony!!” Clint choked out between a laugh.

“ _Excuse me?”_

“Italian, okay not short he’s way taller than you, and annoying!” Clint flicked popcorn at the man leering at him. 

Tony turned his attention at Bruce when he heard him snort. “What? Brucie, c’mon. Not you too.” 

“I-I’m sorry but wasn’t your mom Italian?” 

“I’m not going to tell you on account of it’s _not your business.”_

“No, she was. Maria Collins Carbonell, right? Jarvis, pull her up.” 

“Haha, yeah that sounds _great_ but judging how this is my mother I’d rather n-“

“Pulling up Madam Stark’s profile.” Jarvis paused the movie, a hologram popping up of Maria’s information. 

“Apparently I do not get an opinion on this damn tower.” Tony scoffed, flipping off Natasha when she ruffled his hair. 

“Anthony, your mother is quite beautiful.”

“ _Was,_ buddy. She’s dead as a doorknob, remember?”

Tony made the wrong move by looking at the hologram. She was beautiful, there wasn’t a second thought about it. He looked down at the coffee table blankly. “Death is a fun topic lately, huh?” 

“Tell us about her when she was alive.” 

“Why, so you can snitch to Coulson?” Tony snarked at Steve. “No thanks.” 

“Cmon, Tony. My sweet, short baby.” Clint pressed on like a nagging child, not giving up. He riled up everyone else to pressure the emotionally cornered man. 

“Fuck! Fine! Good fuck, if only your pestering skills could be made into brain cells. Fucking hell- what do you want to know?” 

“What was she like?” Bruce was the first to talk, surprisingly. 

“Well, my dear Brucie..” Tony stared at her image. _Warm, gentle hands on his cheek and kissing his forehead._

 _The smell of gingerbread wafting from the oven while a soft melody played from nearby radio. It was just him and her in the summer home built near the fields of Florence. Away from the city. Away from him and it was beautiful and she was beau-_

“-ony? Tony, where the hell did you go?” 

Tony furrowed his eyebrows at Clint. “Nowhere, Legolas. I’m fine. But it’s getting pretty late and I have an appointment for something tomorrow, so goodnight and uh- don’t snoop or I’ll have Jarvis pump deadly neurotoxin into your rooms.” He closed the hologram, laughing when Natasha told him he was deflecting again. 

“It’s _not deflecting!”_ Tony got defensive, not partaking in anymore attempts at conversation and very calmly fleeing the scene. 

He also very calmly hid in his lab and stifled his strangled out sobs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know the deal 😳😳  
> comments, stay safe, and keep being beautiful and not dead unlike Maria Stark over here


	27. Swallowing Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter? About Tony in therapy? Surprising 
> 
> what’s more surprising is how much you can save by switching to Geico

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is like 95% dialogue 😔👉👈  
> The next two chapters’ll probably be the same 🥺

“You’re going to be late, sir.”

“Late is fashionable.”

“In this circumstance, it is not.” 

Tony fought with the tie that refused to stay down. “I don’t even want to do this. Someone poking around in my mind? Don’t like it at all.” 

Tony avoided the team, deciding to take the Iron Man out for a spin. Stopping at a doughnut shop, he overpaid for a dozen of the baked goods and made his way to the therapist’s office.

He took off the suit, stepping into the office. It smelled like lavender. 

_He preferred vanilla_

He walked up to the receptionist, a quaint old lady who had a serious expression that never quavered. The name tag read ‘Emily’. 

“Hi, I’m here for an appointment?” Tony was silently grateful that the waiting room was empty because the foreign feeling of embarrassment had happily made itself at home in his body. 

Emily didn’t even glance up from her computer. “Sit down and wait for her to come out.” 

Huh. 

Okay. 

So he can _maybe_ flirt his way out of this. He likes those chances.

* * *

Tony lost track of how long he’d been sitting in the waiting room. The donuts he bought were long gone. His leg wouldn’t stop shaking and his palms were sweating up a storm, no matter how much he wiped them against his pants. Eventually, someone opened the door that he’d been looking up at every five minutes. The woman who came out was pretty, to say the least. Her grey eyes practically peering into his soul. “Ah, Mr. Stark! So glad you can join us today. I’m sure you’ve met Miss Emily already?” 

“Yep, lovely lady. I appreciate the way she’s been working on god knows what since the last thirty minutes.” Tony smiled stiffly, shaking her extended hand when he was beckoned over.

“There’s no need to be nervous, Mr. Stark.” Her voice was friendly, never having any malice in it. He hated it. 

Leading Tony into the office, she pointed at the sofa for him to take a seat. The cushions were surprisingly soft and this room had the smell of lemon and peppermint. 

“So, how have you been holding up since the funeral?” 

_Horrible._ “Fine.” 

“Just fine?” 

“I mean, I can’t say I’ve been dandy. I’ve just been working n’ shit.” Tony shrugged. “You never told me your name.”

“It’s Amelia, Amelia Langheart.” 

“Fancy, I like it.” 

“Let’s not get off track here, okay? Tell me what you did this week.”

“I.. worked? And fixed some things. That’s it.”

“No activities? What about everyone else?” 

“I’m not a team keeper, I don’t spend every waking moment with them.” 

Amelia nodded, reaching into her bag and pulling out a file. “Someone provided me with this file, Coulson I think his name was.”

Ah shit, here we go.

“I’m just going to read off a few phrases from this, tell me how you feel about it, okay?” 

“I don’t have a choice, so why not.” 

Amelia gave him a pitied smile before beginning. “Self-obsessed and narcissistic.” 

“Indifferent.” 

“Volatile and insecure.” 

“Absolutely not, that’s stupid.” 

“Not a team player, ignores authority.” 

“Okay that’s true, I’ll give ‘em that.”

“Just like his father, brilliant.” 

“I’m _not_ like him.” Tony felt his blood pressure spike. 

She scribbled something down on the clipboard resting on the arm of the chair she had been seated in. 

“Alright, we’ll get into that later.” Sitting up, Tony mimicked her movements. 

“What are your relationships with everyone on your team?” 

“They’re okay.”

“Do you trust them?” 

“I trust them as far as I can throw them.”

A raised eyebrow. 

“Which isn’t far.” 

“What about Steve Rogers? He was friends with your father, yes?”

“Yeah, and look what good that did him? Stuck in a whole other era.” 

“But do you like him?” 

_Absolutely._ “He’s an old man who babies me. He gets a five out of ten in my book.”

They spent the rest of the session talking about his work and sleep habits. He left feeling dazed and almost crashed into a group of pigeons flying about. Landing roughly on the roof, he disconnected from the suit. 

“I’m back, my sweet children!” Tony announced, stepping into the kitchen. The only person located there was Bruce hovering over the stove. 

“Whatcha makin’?” Tony poked his side with a pen, smiling widely at him. 

“Broiled tilapia with Thai coconut curry sauce.” Bruce grabbed the pen, placing it on the counter. “How was the appointment?” 

“I have zero clue on what you’re talking about, green pea.” 

“Then where did you go today?” 

“A brothel.”

“You lie shamelessly.” Bruce tsked, lowering the heat. “But since I doubt you're above that, I’ll agree with you.” 

“See? Why can’t anyone be as agreeable as you?” Tony made a kissy face at him before making his way down to the workshop. 

He started an unhealthy cycle that night as retaliation to Miss Lang-something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments, they are my life blood


	28. Mia Cara Addio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Maria :)  
> with, dare i say, some home of the sexual vibes  
> i know, scandalous  
> Also for my own comfort this Tony as a teen™️ and Emilio is also a teen™️ that’s why Maria’s making a cameo 🔫😤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see notes at the bottom for translations my loves 🥰🥰

Tony was led along by his mother, the warm sun embracing his skin and leaving a tingling sensation. “Mama, I’m old enough to walk by myself.”

“That may be so, but you’ll always be _mio caro ragazzo.”_ Maria squeezed his cheek. “With your cute little face.”

Tony stuffed his hands into his hoodie’s pockets. “Ma..”

“ _Vieni tesoro. Diamo un'occhiata ai carretti di formaggio.”_

Tony didn’t have a say in the matter, sticking by Maria’s heel like a lost puppy. He’d always get lost in the market as a young child so he was still pretty wary of straying too far.

Sadly, his attention span for cheese picking can only last for so long, and his mother _loved_ taking her sweet time.

Tony strayed away, letting his stomach lead him up steps and away from the crowd. Entering a cute little café, he waved at the barista who greeted him. Tony sat down at an empty table, staring at the horizon. Even in midday, the beauty of Florence still persisted. He felt himself dozing off but the scrape of chair legs against wooden floorboards made him jump. 

“Oh, _Chiedo scusa! Non volevo spaventarti, signore.”_ The man took a seat, holding out a hand. “Emilio Bressi, nice to meet you..?” 

“Who’s asking?” Tony glanced at him from the corner of his eye after returning his view to the horizon.

“Me, _signore.”_

“You can call me Tony.” Finally shaking Emilio’s hand, a goofy smile broke out onto the boy’s face.

They talked for another forty minutes, twinkling seafoam eyes meeting Bambi eyes that mimicked the sunset’s golden color. He broke the friendly staring contest when he heard his mother’s voice calling for him. 

“Well, that would be me.” Jotting down some numbers on a napkin, he slid it in front of his possible newfound friend. “If you wanna continue this enlightening conversation, call this number and maybe meet up here.” 

Emilio gave another goofy smile at Tony, giving him parting words and watching him leave. 

“And where did you go?” Maria gave him a disapproving look. 

“Did you find your cheese well, mother o’ mine?” Tony grabbed the bag, not getting a chance to peek at the contents before it was snatched away again. 

“You are such a scoundrel, you know that?” 

“I’m hurt, truly.” He pouted at her back, trailing after her. They reached the cottage. It was simple, but large. Not one of those flashing homes that his father owned in the city. 

“Want me to help cook?” 

“Good lord no, you’ll burn everything like you did last time.” Maria laughed, motioning towards the steps in the hallway. “Go upstairs and do whatever you do.” 

“Can’t say I didn’t offer.”

* * *

Tony didn’t know what time he fell asleep, but when he woke up it was a new day and he was still in the clothes he wore out yesterday. Sitting up and yawning, Tony smoothed out his hair the best he could before changing and heading downstairs. He wasted no time, his vision narrowing in on a hot cup of coffee sitting on the table. Grabbing the cub and leaning against the table, he sipped at the pure black coffee, humming quietly to himself. 

_“Cara, hai una chiamata.”_ Maria called out from the living room. 

Tony picked up the call from the phone in the dining room. “Hello?” 

“This is Tony’s number, right? It’s me, Emilio.”

“Aww, you actually called. I’m flattered.” 

_“Sei aperto per uscire oggi? Mi piacerebbe conoscerti meglio?”_

Tony hummed out a confirmation, chugging the rest of the coffee and setting it done. The two chatted a bit more before both parties hung out. 

“Mama, I’m heading out!” He didn’t wait for a reply, closing the door behind him and internally cringing at the bright morning sun. Tony lightly flirted with passing women who eyed him and giggled. Walking up the familiar stone steps, he poked his head around the corner, half a smile tugging at his lips. 

Sitting at a table was Emilio in all of his pretty-boy beauty… if that made sense. 

Tony approached him, silent and plotting. Crouching down to be next to his ear, he blew air into it. He laughed at his newfound friend’s reaction to the attack on his ear. 

“Sorry, sorry. But can you blame me? I mean- you gave me a heart attack when we first met, I deserve to give you one back. You can’t give me one back because pemdas.”

“You have.. a very interesting thought process.” Emilio’s gaze followed him as he sat down. 

They talked to their hearts’ content, both giggling and laughing like a group of schoolgirls. Tony eventually got an idea. “Let’s go wander around town, sightseeing- all that shit.” Tony stood up, holding out his hand as if he was closing a hand. He wasn’t expecting a jolt zipping up his body when Emilio grabbed his hand and held it. He felt hot on his cheeks and ear and _was he seriously blushing for this guy he barely knew-_

“I know an awesome place to chill, Mr. Bressi, if you would care to follow.” 

“Well, my afternoon is cleared today.” Emilio spun his wrist lightly. “Lead the way.”

They walked together, hands no longer connected but Tony was content with how close they were. Climbing up a steep hill, the two of them caught their breath and from the decent view they could see a part of the city in a warm golden glow. 

Tony wasn’t focusing on the view unlike Emilio. His eyes were tracing the boy’s jawline and face structure. Emilio’s hair wasn’t as dark as his, having red and bronze highlights swirling into the mahogany colored hair. The seafoam eyes happily staring off into the distance, seemingly not noticing the ogling. Tony eventually broke away from his.. _sightseeing,_ turning his attention to share the view with Emilio.

Tony excused himself once it started getting dark. Waving goodbye to Emilio and heading down the hill, he could’ve swore he heard his friend say _“Mia cara, addio.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear boy = Mio caro ragazzo
> 
> Come on, honey. Let’s take a look at these cheese carts = Vieni tesoro. Diamo un'occhiata ai carretti di formaggio.
> 
> I apologize! I didn’t mean to scare you, sir. = Chiedo scusa! Non volevo spaventarti, signore.
> 
> Darling, you have a phone call = Cara, hai una telefonata
> 
> Are you open to hang out today? I’d like to get to know you better. = Sei aperto per uscire oggi? Mi piacerebbe conoscerti meglio
> 
> My dear, goodbye = Mia, cara addio


	29. Amore Mio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter’s called “How Homoerotic Can I Make This Without It Being Porn?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can’t explain the actions ive done today, but leave comments please 🥺👉👈  
> Anyways y’all had two chapters of :) now for :( chapters

What is life if not an excuse to be a little homoerotic, wear slutty clothing, and listen to loud music? What else is there to do? 

Throwing a pebble at the back of Emilio’s head, he sat on the almost unstable safety bars on the bridge where his.. _friend_.. was leaning on them. “You dream about me last night, loverboy?” 

“No, I thought of you.” 

Tony chortled, reaching into his pocket and throwing stones into the river. The quietness that grew between them wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t strained. It was peaceful, lovely even. They’d been meeting everyday at preplanned locations for the past three weeks, doing fuck all and laughing like no tomorrow. The two were as thick as thieves, you could say, holding hands as if it was the most casual thing ever to exist and dragging each other all of Florence until they weren sure where they were. Once in awhile they’d catch each other’s eyes and Tony could feel his breath hitch before he pointed out an area he had zero interest in, using it to distract.

“You wanna come to my place?” Tony chided, swinging his legs dangerously and testing how fast he could make his momentum without falling. Emilio chuffed. 

“Suspicious. You sure you’re not going to drug me?” 

“Nah, I like you too much to do that. Let’s go.” 

“Wait- right.. right now?”

“Hell yeah!”

Grabbing Emilio’s hand, ~~_soft, warm_~~ he gladly dragged his confused companion along the sidewalks and roads, excitement making his heart skip beats. They eventually came to the welcoming cottage, Tony opening the door and declared his presence to the only other person who was here. 

“Mother, dearest, I’ve made a friend!” Pushing in the hesitant Emilio once Maria came into frame. “ _God, move your oddly stiff frame-”_ He grumbled quietly, finally making him pass the threshold. 

His mother held out her hand, giving a polite greeting. Her eyes weren’t a warm color, though. She had that look that Tony came to recognize as-

“ _Holy shit_ \- I- you’re Maria Stark! _The_ Maria Stark!” Emilio guffawed, absolute admiration overflowing on his eyes. 

Maria chuckled, wiping her hands on her apron. “Well, yes, that is me. I’m assuming that you’re the person my son has been trailing after for the last three weeks?” 

Emilio pieced it together quickly after that tidbit. Pointing a finger at Tony then back to Maria, he could see the gears turning in his head. “ _Gesù Cristo-_ How the hell did I not see it.” Glancing back at Tony, he tilted his head. “I imagined you taller, really.” 

Ouch, right in his dignity.

* * *

Maria didn’t want them to clog up the kitchen, waving them off upstairs. A cold look was in her eyes despite her happy voice. Tony sunk down on his bed, but he didn’t lay down. “Did she seem worried to you?” 

“I don’t know, I’m just- _you?!_ Are Anthony Edward Stark?” 

“Eewww, don’t call me by my full name. Tony’s fine. And I didn’t tell you cause it wasn’t important. Didn’t want your opinion on my.. dad to change something, I guess.” A forced laugh as he felt the bed dip from added weight. 

His heart was pounding and wow, he had to be a little too young to be having a heart attack. 

The hot sun beamed down on them from the window, reflecting off the floorboards and dousing whatever and whoever it landed on in a comforting golden glow. 

Tony blew air out of his nose in a heavy sigh, leaning back on the mattress. 

“I mean.. I still like you a lot.” Emilio toyed with a miniatur toy robot he snagged from the desk. “I don’t think that would change.” 

“You are _horribly_ precious and innocent.” He groaned, placing a pillow over his face and pushing down. The bed dipped even more. 

He was laying down beside him. 

Releasing the pillow and throwing it back to the head of the bed, he watched Emilio from the corner of his eye. Tony turned onto his stomach and he propped himself up on one elbow, noticing that the boy had gone quiet and was staring at him. His stomach was churning like a crackhead was left in charge to make butter as fast as they could. 

Tony was always the first to back down from his eyes, running his own curiously over Emilio’s body. He probably shouldn’t be looking at the way his shirt rode up slightly. 

Or how his hips dipped. 

_Or_ how he had a few oddly placed freckles flicked across his abdomen, more of them probably concealed under his shirt. 

Tony desperately wanted to break the tension he made the mistake of starting. “You always have freckles?” He motioned towards the dappled freckles, his fingertips grazing Emilio’s skin. Emilio grabbed his hand, tightly but it didn’t hurt.

Tony made an undignifying sound. When he did look into his eyes again, Emilio’s expression was intense.. threatening, almost.

For a moment, Tony thought maybe he was angry, but before he could ponder it further, Emilio yanked the latter to him and covered Tony’s mouth with his in a hungry kiss. He responded immediately, surprising himself. Emilio’s mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips softer than he could have imagined. He tasted tentatively with his tongue, and Tony opened his mouth with a low moan.

Suddenly, Emilio pushed away as if he'd been burned. He jumped up off the bed and paced back and forth.

"I'm sorry, Tony," he said in a strangled voice. "That wasn't right."

"It's okay," Tony mumbles in a hushed tone, looking at the ground. He was afraid of seeming too eager or disappointed. In fact, he wasn't quite sure how to react, to the kiss or to Emilio’s sudden show of regret.

"That wasn't right," he said again.

Tony couldn't help but wonder if Emilio’s heart was beating as fast as his, or if he was feeling anything akin to the hot fire of desire that had settled in his belly.

“I’m not mad or anything.” Tony shrugged, sitting up and tapping his shoe tips on the ground his feet barely reached. “Sit down before you dig a hole in the ground with all your pacing.” 

Emilio did sit down, but it was on the corner of the bed. Hunched shoulders and radiating nervous energy, Tony watched him. 

His lips would tingle for the rest of the night.

They stayed on their respected corners of the bed until Maria called them, more specifically Tony, down for dinner. 

When the pair of them headed down, she asked if Emilio could stay for the meal.

“Uh- I don’t-”

 _“Of course he can!”_ Tony was quick to speak up, sliding his arm between the gap of Emilio’s arm and side, pulling him closer. “Ain’t that right?” 

Emilio nodded, a panicked smile working its way to his face.

* * *

Emilio helped clean up before attempting to slink away. Tony wasn’t that oblivious, of course. He wasn’t even halfway down the path before Tony said. “Walking out on me, loverboy?” 

“It’s late as hell, I have people waiting for me.” 

Tony approached him, staring up at him with sad eyes. It visibly made Emilio tense up, averting his gaze from Tony’s.

“We’ll hang out tomorrow like usual, right?” 

Emilio didn’t answer.

“Emilio, it’d be pretty shitty to just kiss me then ghost my ass.” 

Tony didn’t get hugged often. Mostly by his mom and Ana Jarvis. But those were from family who already loved him unconditionally. 

So to be hugged by Emilio? Someone who had such a slim chance of meeting him? It felt.. good. Made the fire in his stomach grow and spread out throughout his body.

“You’re hot, _mio amore_.” 

“I wonder why.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mio amore = My love   
> Gesú Cristo = Jesus Christ
> 
> Hope y’all doing good out here 🥰🥰  
> Ngl I’ve been craving some orange gummy candies want that shit so badly


	30. Sun-filled Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS chapter’s called “How Homoerotic Can I make this without it being porn AND make it sad at the same time”  
> anyways say bye to Emilio cause he if he does come back it won’t be on happy terms 🤡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How my ass looking at 3AM every night writing this shit: 👁👅👁

Tony argued with Maria.

It wasn’t a friendly competition like it usually was. This was different.

“I don’t care what he says! This was my escape, I don’t want him taking that away!” Tony knew he was sounding childish but he couldn’t care. He didn’t want to go back to the city. He didn’t want to go back to that cold, cold house. He didn’t want to leave. 

“You have too, there’s no weaseling your way out of this.” Maria refused to budge, her unnerving gaze burning Tony’s upset one. 

And as rebellious teenagers do at sixteen, he stormed out and slammed the door.

Tony was always good at finding secluded spots. Stuffing stones into his pockets, he went down to the seashore. He wanted to punch something but throwing things as far as he could into a body of water would have to suffice. The first rock didn’t get that far, landing with a sad _sploosh_ and sinking down into the sea. The second rock didn’t do any better. His conscience wouldn’t give him the silence he desperately craved. 

The more rocks he threw the more rampant his thoughts grew. His throat constricted, stomach flopping about as his vision clouded with unwanted tears. The contrast between yellow sand and a blue sea was no longer there, swirling into a nauseating color that wasn’t green, he couldn’t tell what it was. 

Tony lost all sense of where he was, knees buckling and falling right on his behind. Gasping for the air that refused to fill his lungs, he tugged at his hair, burying his head into his knees. Whenever he strangled in air, bile would fill his throat and leave such a disgusting and bitter taste in its wake.

The tears finally fell, a shuddered breath passing his lips, bloodied from the obsessive nibbling taking place. Stifling the sobs and whimpers emitting from his throat, Tony dug his shoes into the burning sand, watching as his tears wetted small parts. 

His ears adjusted to the jarring sound of sand crunching under a pair of feet and shifting to sit next to him. 

“Tony? Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

Ah, he knew that voice. “How’d you find me?”

An arm gently pulling him into the warm side of Emilio, Tony let his tense and choked up body flush against the comforting one. 

“I asked a question first.” 

“Nothing’s wrong.” That simple lie made him close to breaking down once more. Swallowing thickly, he looked straight ahead at the horizon to avoid the unrelenting stare of the boy beside him. 

“Tony, c’mon, a blind man could see that lie.” The hand resting on his shoulder slid down to his waist, igniting the skin it touched on the way down. Apparently that’s all he needed for him to mutter out the earth shaking news. 

In reality, maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe Tony was overreacting. But he only got to go to Italy once in the summer every two years. To him, it was an eternity.

“That’s not so bad. I can wait two years.”

“You’re missing the point. If he pulled us out of here so early, what the hell’s stopping him from preventing us to ever come back here?” 

“He can’t do that.” 

“Then you truly don’t understand Howard Stark.” 

No more words were shared for a minute, the pair listening as the tide continues its endless cycle, splashing against the shore. 

“When do you head back?” 

“A week or so.” 

“Well.. let's make this one hell of a final week.”

* * *

Tony begrudgingly apologized to Maria with enough prodding from Emilio when he went with Tony to the cottage later that day, right when the sun was setting. She didn’t say anything, instead silently dismissing him with a flick of her wrist- not even bothering to look up from her book. 

Tony didn’t waste any time, burying his face into the pillow of his bed and groaning the second he entered his room.

“Don’t be so dramatic. My mom would’ve never let me hear the end of it.” Emilio chuckled, grabbing a worn down quantum physics book. “Do you even understand this?” 

“How about you stop snooping about right in front of me and questioning my intelligence?” 

“Touchy, touchy.” He teased, sitting near Tony’s hips. 

Tony had to hand it to him, not a lot of people made him nervous but this bundle of innocence made him want to break out into a cold sweat. A question nagged at the back of his mind, though. 

He didn’t want an answer to it.

Ignorance is bliss, apparently. 

“You better stop before the Pope kicks down my door and kills you for sodomy or some shit like that.” 

“I’d take the risk for you.” 

Tony shifted his eyes from the ceiling to Emilio, who was now leaning down near him.

“Wow, you can move real silent when you want to.” 

“Anthony Stark, you are a fool.”

Before Tony could withdraw his mind from its far places of doubt and nervousness, Emilio’s arms were on both sides of him. He felt again the rush of helplessness, the sinking yielding, the surging tide of warmth that left him limp. And the confident face of Tony Stark was blurred and drowned to nothingness. Emilio was hesitant, and then with a swift gradation of intensity that made the latter cling to him as the only solid thing in a dizzy swaying world. 

His insistent mouth was parting Tony’s shaking lips, sending wild tremors along his nerves, evoking from him sensations he had never known he was capable of feeling. And before a swimming giddiness spun him round and round, he knew that he was kissing back. His face was no doubt flushed pink, he could feel the imaginary flames licking at his cheeks. Shaking, slender hands slid down to Emilio’s waist before jutting back up to his chest. His lungs craved the air it was beginning to lack, pulling away with laughter bubbling up in the back of his throat.

He didn’t have the chance to laugh off his embarrassment with a joke, Emilio planting kisses along his neck before resting his forehead in between the dip to Tony’s neck. 

“Come with me.” 

“What?” 

“Back to the states, c’mon. I can get you place to stay or something and no one would have to know-”

“Tony, be realistic.” 

“ _I am._ ” 

“I still have a family here, and even if I didn’t, this would be too complicated to hide.” Emilio gave him a pitied look, leaving his sweet taste bitter on Tony’s lips. 

He turned his head away, letting it roll to the side and glare at the wall.

“Tony..” 

Tony continued his visual abuse on the wall. He wasn’t much for conversation anymore for the rest of the night

* * *

The last week was morbidly quiet. 

Tony didn’t come out of his room anymore, nevertheless left the house. He laid in his bed, wrapped up in the soft blanket. 

But Emilio always visited, pulling the bundle of repressed emotions and buried memories into his lap and just sitting there. Not many words were said between the days. 

What was there to say? 

Tony didn’t cry as much in his life as he did in the week, hiccuping and trying to keep tears and snot from pouring everywhere on the evercaring Emilio’s shirt. 

Like always, he’d cry himself to sleep. 

Like always, he’d wake up at the break of dawn.

Like always, Emilio would kiss his forehead before excusing himself until nightfall. 

That was their agenda for six days.

Until it wasn’t. 

On the seventh day, Tony cried harder, he couldn't stop, digging his bitten down to the cuticle nails into the soft skin of Emilio.

But, he fell asleep after his fit, like always. But unlike the past six days, when Tony woke at the day barely pouring out the dawn lights, he wasn’t there. There wasn’t even a trace of him. 

There was a bracelet on his desk atop of a note, obviously ripped from one of his notebooks littered about his room. 

Raising to weak legs, he tottered over to the desk. He couldn’t bring himself to read the note, folding it and stuffing it into his pocket with the bracelet. 

While he packed, his heart yearned and ached, itching for one person. Tony was sure if he gave in and scratched at the feeling, he’d never be able to stop. 

He went downstairs with his bag, putting on a happy expression for his mother despite the pain he was feeling.

He didn’t let on how much his mind brought said one name in a tormenting loop. 

Tony got on that plane, knees brought up to chest and staring down at the minuscule land below him.

When they landed, the most Maria could offer him was a kiss planted on his forehead. They were picked up and driven home. 

He was forced into a conversation with his father once they stepped inside.

Tony was so close 

_So close_

From being in his room.

“What’s in your pocket, Anthony?” 

“Nothing, just some notes of some stuff.”

“Let me see, they might be good for once.” Howard took the crumpled note from his pocket and Tony felt his soul up and leave his body. He saw Howard’s face go from boredom, to confusion, to suppressed anger that was a sneeze away from being boiled over. “Do you dare to explain this?” 

“Nope. No one told you to shove your hand in my pocket.. _sir_.” He drawled out with mock. “Now if you excuse me, I’d like to go to bed.” In hindsight, Tony should’ve seen it coming. But being jet-lagged and feeling abandoned isn’t the best combination. A rough hand grabbing onto the collar of his shirt and twisting it, he was yanked forward, his father’s breath reeking heavily of whiskey. 

“You’re drunk.” Tony monotoned out, holding his culprit’s gaze. 

“Don’t tell me what I am, _boy._ ” Howard growled out slowly, his grip getting tighter. “I will _not_ have some.. some disgusting homosexual as my son!” 

“Can ya blame me pops? All you talk about is the great Steve Rogers, and I’ve seen pictures of him. Gives an impressionable kid ideas, y'know?” 

Tony really, truly, should’ve kept his goddamn mouth shut. But he didn’t. So he wasn’t surprised when a balled fist made contact with his cheek. His vision went white, ringing in his ears accompanying it. He could barely make out what Howard was saying. 

“You are a complete disgrace to the family name and even worse, I have to look people in the eye and call you my son.” 

The grip dropped away from his collar, leaving the fabric crinkled and twisted. Heavy footsteps walked away, leaving Tony to rub his pounding jaw. 

He went to bed that night and had a dreamless sleep,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be back to our regularly scheduled present sad shit 🥰  
> 🔫 you know what I want though give me them give the comments


	31. This Is Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another good ol chapter for good ol Steve for you good ol folks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain: hey you should end this fanfic ur about to hit 40 chapters 
> 
> Me: I cannot see 😖 I am not looking 👀

It was weird seeing Tony go through the grieving process.

Steve caught him on many occasions on many nights hanging about the kitchen, staring at his phone and hand running through his hair. 

Steve was polite enough to never mention it. At least not yet. He was just glad there weren't any alarms going off for their presence. The team needed a long break. He wasn’t expecting to be called down to Tony’s workshop by Jarvis, though. The mechanic had locked off all access to that floor of the tower and hasn’t been upstairs for two weeks. 

Curling his hand to knock on the metal door, he took a step back once it opened. Poking his head around the doorframe, the room was devoid of any other person. 

“Does the serum prevent you from ever being late?” Tony spoke up from far away, his legs sticking out from under a boosted up car. 

“No, I just don’t like being late.” Steve stepped inside, keeping his hands behind his back and trying not to kick over random building materials and alcohol bottles scattered about. “You’ve been busy.” 

“Yes, I have. Thank you for noticing.” Tony gave a not quite sane smile to his guest, sitting in the roller seat and sliding back under the car. “Why’d I call you down here, uhh- fuck- yeah! Need you for something, buddy.”

“What is-”

“I need your body.” Tony slid back out from under the car, sitting up and giving Steve an expectant look.

“I don’t-uhh, I’m- I’m flattered but I..” Steve looked everywhere but at Tony, scratching the back of his neck before letting his hand slide back down to his side. “I don’t know how to respond..” 

“Hah! Holy shit, you look like a strawberry. I meant I need to measure your dimensions. You’d probably break my pelvis anyways.” He grabbed Steve’s wrist, getting oil all over it as he led him over to what Steve could only describe as a dentist seat. 

“Why do you have that?” 

“That’s where I do surgery on myself.” Tony proudly tapped on his reactor before pushing the soldier onto the seat.

“Why are you measuring me?”

“To make you a new suit, why else would I be? Don’t answer that, rhetorical. Stand up, soldier. Straight.” 

Steve turned his head to keep an eye on the shortened man, not even getting a good look before his head was pushed back to face straight ahead. 

“Jarvis, baby, start a data log for Stevie boy here? Height is six foot two and width is-” 

Steve was pretty proud of himself for holding still, no matter how many times Tony purposely poked his ribs and sides. 

“Relax, soldier. I’m not planning on shoving a probe up your ass, take a seat while I look at your color schemes. That blue in your old suit? Burns my already fried retinas, it’s a travesty. I pity you.” 

“When’s the last time you slept and ate, Tony?” 

“What? What does that have anything to do with what's happening right now?” 

“Because you look like you’re hanging on by a thread.” 

“I’m fine, grandpa. I don’t need your coddling.” 

“I’m not coddling you, I’m making sure you don’t die down here. Please come upstairs and i’ll give you something to eat. talk to me for a minute.” 

“..what?” 

“I can make you a sandwich or whatever you eat and-”

“Sure, sure. I got stuff to do, so make it quick.” 

“I can try.“

* * *

“Just meet me in the penthouse when you’re done burning down my kitchen.” 

“I’m not that bad at cooking.” Steve grumbled quietly to himself, entering the kitchen. “Excuse me, Jarvis? What does Tony like to eat?”

“Depends. Lunch, dinner, or breakfast, Captain Rogers?”

“..Lunch?” 

“For lunch, I would simply recommend a cheeseburger.” 

Steve looked out the window, eyebrows furrowing when he saw how much the rain was pouring, slamming down really. It wasn’t even from Thor, it was just a shitty day. “Do you think he’d accept a sandwich with blueberries?” 

Steve wasn’t a five star chef but he was proud of his little sandwich he made for Tony. Grabbing a casing of blueberries, he went back up into the penthouse, finding a tipsy Stark halfway through a whiskey bottle. “Tony, I was gone for not even an hour.” 

“It took you thirty minutes to make a sandwich, that’s enough time for me to get through three bottles. But I didn’t.”

“You are impossible.” 

“And you’re self-righteous. God- how the fuck did my dad obsess over you?” 

“I can’t tell if you're confident or insane.” 

Tony cackled at Steve’s response, almost dropping the bottle. Catching his breath, he wheezed out his reply. “As a species, we’re fundamentally insane. If you put more than two of us in a room, we pick sides and start dreaming up reasons to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion?” 

“I dragged you out of your hole to get you some sustenance, not have an existential crisis.” Steve took away the alcohol, holding out the plate. “So please, just eat.” 

“I don’t like being handed things.”

He placed down the plate and blueberries onto the table, taking a seat on the couch. He allowed himself to zone out, staring out the stretched out windows with raindrops sliding down the outside of them. 

“Mediocre sandwich at best.” Tony deemed, scarfing down the blueberries.

He reasonably choked one back up when the alarm to assemble went off. 

Natasha was the first one there along with Clint, already suited up and prepared. Steve came out next with Bruce and Thor. 

“Stark?” Natasha inquired, squinting at Steve.

“Said he’d meet us there.”

She made an unimpressed noise, nodding her head towards the door. “Let’s not leave him waiting then.”

* * *

Steve was getting a headache, rubbing his forehead while Tony was silently laughing next to him, his whole body convulsing from trying to hold in his laughter. 

“This isn’t a laughing matter, Stark. You’re lucky you’re even here right now and not benched.”

“I am so sorry but- a  _ dragon?!  _ I have to-” Tony hid his face in his hands, wheezing quietly with hysterics. 

“So, Thor. Where exactly did this dragon pop out from?” Steve sighed, not bothering to even look the god in the face.

“Niflheim, realm of ice and mist. Someone must have opened up a way for this dragon to escape. I am quite glad to announce that it doesn’t seem to be violent for now.” 

“And how do we beat it?” 

“It’s simple. The scales are too hard to pierce, seeing as it is an ice dragon. We’d have to go through the mouth.” 

“If that’s the plan, get the hell out of my building.” Fury snapped, making a waving movement with his hand. 

“Thor, how much things are you going to bring over from other realms?” Steve stared up at the pale blue and ridiculously large dragon sniffing at a building.

“Well, who wants to get its attention? I call dibs!” Tony held up his gauntlet but it was pushed down by the soldier.

“We have to lead it away, you trigger-happy lunatic. Once we do, go wild. Thor?” 

Thor nodded, swinging his hammer at the dragon before letting it go and letting it make impact with the dragon. The mythical creature’s head whipped around, staring down at the affronting people. It’s mouth opening up, it inhaled air, letting it hit the ground and stretch out towards the team, the ice it let pour out of its gaping maw froze everything it touched.

Steve could hear Tony neurotically laughing. The mechanic was getting unhinged. 

“Stark, can it!” Natasha snarled, firing off a few rounds aiming at the dragon’s eyes scanning the ground for them. “Shit, where’s Hulk?” 

The giant lizard’s screeching and roaring was an answer to her question, the creature being knocked to the ground with a thunderous impact before getting back up just as quickly. “Why did it have to be a dragon.” Steve groaned out, jumping out the way when Hulk was thrown right at him from his cover. “Clint, aim for the nostrils, Tony-.. Tony?” 

The red and gold colored suit was gone from beside him. He could hear the repulsors going off from above. “Did he shut off his comms?” 

“Says it’s still going through, cap.” Clint sucked his head when the dragon fired off another round of ice.

“So he’s choosing to ignore us, great. Thor, try to get into that thing’s mouth and get Iron Man back down here.”

Steve felt his heart stop when Thor updated him to the fact that Tony already went inside. The two other sane people had an uproar to this, voicing their displeasures in the comms before the smell of burning flesh filled the air. 

The dragon, hacking and coughing up smoke, clawed at its own throat and strangled out gawks and roars. Eyes rolling up to the back of its head, the creature collapsed to its side as its talons scraped the ground desperately as a blue liquid poured from its mouth, eyes, ears- really any hole it had on its head. Another hole made a presence though, the giant one beginning to bore its way through the dragon’s soft underbelly before a beam of weaponized energy bursted through the stomach. 

And out stepped Ironman who was bathed in blue. 

“I’ll call in Coulson and the cleanup crew, then.” Natasha frowned at Steve, who was pinching the bridge of his nose and hanging his head.

**-LINEBREAK FOR TONY IN TROUBLE LMAO-**

“Reckless, irresponsible, completely ignoring everything I said and I couldn’t even say much because you made your own calls!” 

Tony sat at the conference table, laughing while glaring Steve Rogers stared down at him. “Stark, this is serious.” 

“We’re back at first names now? I’m hurt. You were going too slow, Cap’n. All of you were. I decided to rip off the bandaid.”

“And if someone got killed? If  _ you  _ got killed?” 

“Don’t flatter me Rogers. I did my job. Dragon’s dead, I’m not. What’s there to complain about?” 

Steve’s blood was boiling, taking a step back away from the table the soldier decided to leave the others to deal with Tony. 

Okay, maybe he shouldn’t have walked out, but debriefing was over and there wasn’t much to say either than Tony making the unpredicted move that went against his orders. But what was new? 

He didn’t talk to Tony for the rest of the day after that, giving him the same energy he’d give a stranger. The soldier wouldn’t tell anyone but goddamn, he was scared and felt helpless and this day did not make those feelings any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Hell yeah   
> Y’all staying safe? HELL YEAH


	32. Perfectly Sane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is not perfectly sane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate my sleeping schedule I fall asleep at 5 AM and wake up at 2 PM 😔

Tony lost something. It was right  _ there,  _ right in the goddamn table and now it’s gone and he needed it to complete this goddamn thing for R&D but he  _ couldn’t  _ if it wasn’t  _ there _ . 

“Sir, perhaps check under the table.” 

“I already looked there, Jarvis! It wasn’t there, it wasn’t on the fucking couch and it wasn’t anywhere that I could have left it!” Tony paced around in a circle, checking over and over on the places he’s already searched.

“I suggest checking under the couch, you have not turned your attention to there yet, sir.” 

“Why the hell would it be under the couch?” But alas, he still checked. 

And lo and behold, there was the piece he was looking for. 

“Sir, maybe you need a break? This is the tenth thing you have lost in the past two hours.”

“I’m not asking for your opinion, Jarvis.” Tony snapped, looking over his current project before setting it back on the table. 

“This isn’t an opinion, sir. But since I have your attention, Director Fury has tried to contact you on multiple occasions and has notified me that you are required to take therapy until he sees fit.” 

“I’m not in the joking mood.” 

“I am not joking.” 

Tony was, quite frankly, pissed off. He was perfectly sane and didn’t need therapy. He didn’t need someone making the calls for him or fucking with his day to day life. He grabbed his half-finished creation, toying with the clipped wires. “Tell Fury to go fuck himself.”

“Sir, I must implore-” 

“Call the lame pirate.” 

Fury picked up in record time, seering his one beady eye into his soul. Tony flashed him his ever charming smile. “Oh! Fury, my dear, sweet, Saint Ol’ Nick. Tell me, please enlighten me-” His grin got darker. “Why did you sign me up for more therapy? I could’ve sworn we had a deal.” 

“We did. In case you forgot, I said if she comes up with nothing to be worried about then I’ll let you off the hook. Well guess what Stark? She came up with things to be worried about. You’ll go three times a week, starting next week on Monday. Better be prepared.” 

“Motherfuc-” Fury hanged up on him before he could get his curse out. Tony was reasonably upset. 

So reasonable, that he totally thought through his decision to hurl his project at the stone wall, breaking the innocent item. 

He didn’t like it anyways. ****

* * *

Tony was called up for game night. It was his turn to pick, after all. 

He chose monopoly, of course. 

They weren’t even an hour in before Thor was out, completely out of money by the fifth turn and Tony owning his one measly property. He let his eyes wander over to Clint’s, who was surprisingly doing well. For now. Their eyes met, suspicious brown ones meeting a lighter shade of pure unstableness. “Keep your paws off my things, Stark.” 

“Please, Legolas, I would  _ never  _ just rob you like that. Besides, you landed on my property. Pay up, birdie.” 

“Of course I would land on your damn property, you own like- forty percent of the board!!”

“Look at him folks. The second I ruffle his feathers he makes excuses.” 

“Shameful, Clint, shameful.” Natasha chimed in. “Just pay the dragon his coins.” 

“I.. don’t have two hundred dollars..” 

Tony had a taste for blood, now. “Ten percent of your assets and I’ll let you go.” 

The deal was struck, Tony’s unhinged eyes looking for his next victim. Bruce. Poor, poor Bruce. His equal in smarts but business? This was how the fly got trapped. The remaining players continued the challenge, Clint going bankrupt after twelve turns. The clock read twelve in the morning and Bruce had gotten trapped. 

“This is it, huh?”

“Don’t know, green bean, got cash?” 

“No, I wasted it all fending off Nat.”

“House?”

“Mortgaged.” 

“Oh, Bruce. You’re breaking my heart.” Tony feigned tears, wiping his eyes before laughing. He didn’t know what he was laughing at, really. His performance wasn’t even that funny. Before he knew it he was up against Natasha. 

Now  _ this  _ would be tricky.

She had almost as much money as he did and whatever he didn’t own on the board she was sure to sweep up for herself. Thus began the most silent game of trying to kick each other out. 

Natasha was being calm and collected, never wasting money on things she didn’t need and was timing her purchases perfectly.

Tony was stumped, truly. His mind was racing and making his moves erratic, panicked, he was making mistakes.

Until big, doofy Steve spoke up when it was his turn. “Uh- Nat? You owe me.. seven hundred and fifty dollars.”

“I owe you  _ what?” _

“Seven hundred an-”

“No, bullshit. There’s no way in hell that I can owe you that much. You’re lying.” 

Tony faked surprisement. “You dare suggest the ever truthful Captain America, Steven Grant Rogers in the flesh, is lying? I can’t believe you, Agent Romanov. You know old people are good at board games.”

Natasha threw her wad of cash at the both of them, spewing out Russian words that were no doubt curses before getting up from the floor and silently brooding on the couch next to the other resigned game players. Sure, the spy quit, but Tony still counted that as a win.

“I’m surprised you're still in, gramps.” 

Steve didn’t even bless him with a glance up, tapping the game board before making his move. If the standoff between him and Natasha was tense, this one was frozen rigid. Tony couldn't pay attention, he stopped being able to focus on the cards he picked up, everything was blurring together in a drunken way. 

“God, Steve. Even Itsy Bitsy Russian gave me more to work with here. Are you still mad at me?” 

Steve still kept his head down towards the game. 

Tony stared at his hand. It didn’t look like his. Which was weird because it was his hand who else would it be? He kept staring blankly at anything in his line of view, having to be tapped on to get his attention back.

By the fourth time, Tony couldn’t keep his eyes on the game. He still won, of course, but he felt off. Like his skin wasn’t his, like his bones wasn’t his. He boasted about his victory before excusing himself with forced out words between the bile building in his throat, coming up with a barely convincing lie about work.

* * *

Monday came like a punch to the face. What the hell did he even do in those four days?

He fixed his smashed module, worked on a prototype for Steve’s suit and he.. he mostly just laid on the couch feeling completely unmotivated and being plagued with a bone deep sadness that he couldn’t describe in words.

“I’m glad to see you again, Tony.”

“Mmm, can’t say the same.” His etiquette was out the window. He wasn’t happy to be here so why should he act like it?

“Well, that’s a shame. Let’s not beat around the bush. We left off talking about your workstyle, correct?”

Tony shrugged, staring down at his trembling leg that wouldn’t hold still no matter how hard he urged it. Amelia continued.

“So, on top of being on a team that fights things beyond our world, you’re also the developer for Stark Industries  _ and  _ you’re tasked with providing everyone on your team with top quality gear?”

“When you put it like that it doesn’t sound like a good thing, Miss Langheart. I’m doing my best out there.” 

“When’s the last time you’ve had a full night’s rest?”

“I don’t know… three years ago? Maybe four- I’m sorry, what does this have to do with anything?”

“ _ Doing your best _ does not mean working yourself to the point of affecting your mental wellbeing.”

“I’ve never been quite sane, Miss Langheart. Nothing will change.” 

“Tony, you’ve already been through drastic change in the past few months. Losing someone you care about, getting kidnapped, the list goes on and on! Who’s to say it won’t end there?” 

Tony didn’t like this, not at all. He felt small, so pathetically  _ small.  _ He was scared. Terrified. He defused situations by laughing but what was the problem? Yes, Tony was the problem, what else was there to blame. So he laughed. He laughed till his sides ached and he could barely say a word. But he did say something, two words in fact, that were croaked out with a strangled wheeze.  _ “I’m sorry.” _

He heard the scratching of pen on paper. 

Amelia began talking once he calmed down. “Now, I don’t usually delve into childhood memories and events. But I’d like to try it.” 

That almost made Tony laugh again.

“If you’re comfortable, tell me about it.”

Tony scratched his neck. He was a bit tongue-tied. Stumbling and pausing, he told weird little stories about things he did in his childhood with his mom and butler. The more she wrote down, the more nervous he got until his filter broke. “There was this guy once-”

Ah shit, here we go again.

Amelia sat up, her interest piqued. And, of course, Tony lacked the common sense to clam up. 

“He was.. pretty cool. An eight out of ten on my scale. We hung out a lot until I had to go back home but I never saw him again which.. sucked.” 

“You two were friends?” 

“You could say that.” 

And just when Amelia was getting ready to ask another question, timer saved his ass and rang. “Well, that concludes our session. See you on Wednesday.” She gave him her sickly sweet smile as Tony got up and snagged a lollipop from the table. 

He could feel his heart  _ burning. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 👀👄👀 c-comments?   
> Y’all staying safe?


	33. Tears and Vomit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hmmmmmmmm  
> tears vomit n therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like mother mother :)

The walls were closing in on him again. Gasping, lungs burning for air, Tony was curled against the cool floor in the back of the workshop concealed by a car. He could hear Jarvis talking gently but nothing would translate, it was all garbled up. 

The buzzing of every powered thing he had down here was too loud. Everything was  _ too loud.  _ The walls were eyes and everything was staring at him and Tony was losing it, he was insane, his pathetic grip on reality was gone. Pepper was  _ gone  _ and it was his fault and everyone in this tower hated his existence and it’s his fault.

The buzzing got louder and louder. Tony screamed to block out the insistent noise but all that came was tears.

Hands touched him.

This time the scream went through. It was high pitched and painful, pressing his back against the wheels of the car as he felt his heart bang against his chest. Tony wasn’t in control, he was in the passenger seat of his own mind, watching as it threw him into an attack like no other. Raw fear, with no causation. 

_ “Please, God no no- please,  _

_ please, I can’t breathe- where am I-” _

Tony let out a full body sob, tears still slipping out of his tightly shut eyes. He gasped, shuddering as he cracked open his eyelids, his own hands blurry from tears. He felt sick to his stomach, his mouth filling with saliva and-

Oh.

Tony made a fast paced stumbling walk towards the bathroom, heaving in the sink before the small contents he had consumed made their way back up. Spitting up whatever remained in his mouth, he walked like a drunk man back to his spot on the cool floor. 

Actually, being drunk doesn’t sound that bad right now.

* * *

Tony must’ve muted Jarvis at some point, but he couldn’t remember. He wasn’t even that intoxicated, maybe just tipping the scale to a buzz. Somehow he inched his way to the penthouse and was lounging on the couch. 

Tony wouldn’t mind being piss drunk, he found consuming tons of alcohol easy to keep his mind at bay. Can’t overthink if you’re not able to. The setting sun was too bright for him. He grumbled out for Jarvis to close the blinds as he covered his face with his hands. When the A.I didn’t answer, Tony moved away his hands and…

He was on the balcony. 

_ When  _ did he get on the balcony? The sky was dipped in a mix of purple and red, the sun somehow even more brighter than before. So maybe he was piss drunk. That would make sense judging how he jumped places in what seemed like less than five seconds. Tony made the wise decision to sit down so he didn’t go tumbling off the edge. The smell of rain filled his nose and he wrinkled it in distaste. Or maybe it was at Thor, who made his presence known like a stab to the stomach. “Go away, Thor. I’m busy.” 

“With all due respect, brother Stark, the only activity you appear to be doing is brooding.”

This Shakespeare motherfuker.. 

“Well  _ you  _ wouldn’t know because I wouldn’t tell you.” Tony smiled which came off more like a dog snarling. “Don’t you have somebody else to electrocute.”

“You seem to be drunk, brother Stark!” Thor exclaimed, looming over him. But hey, he was blocking the sun. 

“I’m not drunk, Mr. God. I am.. lightly buzzed. There’s a huuuge difference.” 

Thor must have let the words go tumbling out the other ear. “If you are so intoxicated, maybe you should come-”

“Are the others there?”

“Of course! We are trying to help the trusted doctor Banner bake some delectables.”

“Then I’m not coming in. I want to stay out here.” He sounded like a pointing child, but he didn’t care. Even talking to Thor was pushing his threshold and he could feel his voice thicken up from more tears. 

Thor finally freed him from the god’s prodding. No doubt that he was going to snitch about his odd behavior. Everyone in this goddamn tower who he didn’t build was a fucking snitch. 

He did a personal stealth mission back to the workshop.

* * *

Tony hated therapy. 

Did he say that already? 

Well, he did. 

He got little joy from going to this place. Emily was always fun to bother, despite her sour expression and that no-shenanigans look in her eyes. But he could tell that old lady was coming around to him.

“Ems!! I got your cute self a little gift.” Tony said once he came into the reception room, empty as always. “Can you guess what it is?” 

“Is it noise cancelling headphones?” And as always, Emily would rarely glance up from her computer. She was playing Solitare most of the time, Tony found out one day. 

“Of course not. How would you hear my beautiful voice then? It’s a box of chocolate. As sweet as you.” 

“If this is a way to butter me up, it ain’t working.” 

Tony laughed, placing the little treats on the counter. “I wouldn’t dream of it, sweetcakes. How’s the hubby?” 

“Not dead yet, I’m afraid.” 

“Slip arsenic into his root beer, make the process quicker.” He winked at the aged receptionist giving him a friendly glare as he went into Amelia’s little therapy room.

“I’m glad to see you and Emily getting along.” 

“She’s a hoot. Once enlightened me with a three second sigh. Best reaction I got out of her.” 

Before the therapist could continue talking, Tony leaned forward in his seat. “What are we doing here, Miss Langheart?

“Pardon?”

“What exactly is it that we do here? You want me to tell you how much I feel like a piece of shit? How I wanna die or some edgy teen show from the 2000’s?”

“Nope. I’m just here to listen.”

“Well, I’m  _ fine _ . I got a great life, great friends. I am a world renowned genius and I go lollygagging in a suit of technology  _ I  _ built.” 

“But?”

“ _ But?!  _ What but is there? I am amazing! I’m perfectly okay and there’s nothing wrong with me. Everyone has their ticks, I have mine. It’s perfectly normal.”

“Tony, your ticks are very different from others. Some people have fears of bugs or the dark, others heights and blood. I can actually help you explore yours. Only if you let me.”

Tony ran his fingers through his hair. “What if this whole thing doesn’t work? What if- what if once, theoretically speaking, you find what’s wrong with me, fix it- then I undo all the process? I do therapy all over again?” 

“We won’t know until it happens.”

“Is that supposed to be comforting?”

“We can’t put numbers and percentages on you falling back into old habits. They all mean the same here, maybe.”

“So.. what?  _ Maybe  _ I’ll improve, maybe I’ll be worse than I left off? Maybe nothing will change?” 

“Precisely.” 

This whole goddamn thing Fury was making him do was a big fat maybe. He felt like crying from that fact alone. 

“Tony, have you ever thought about maybe that this whole.. Avengers thing.. is making the stress get to you?”

“It’s a stressful job, that’s normal.”

“Well.. you pay for a lot of things for your teammates. You house them, you build new equipment. What do you get in return?”

“I!-” Tony frowned, looking down at his clenched hands. “.. It’s a part of the job.”

“ _ Jobs _ , as I’m sure you know, gets you paid in one way or another. This seems to only get you paid in stress and trauma.” 

Tony didn’t have a comeback for that. 

“I would recommend avoiding stressful things for a while, okay? While you get yourself in order.”

Tony wasn’t left any room to argue, as their session ended and he was rushed out by Emily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow is this chapter took a while to make cause I didn’t feel like writing for a long time to I’m sorry y’all caught me lacking 🥺


	34. Game Night, Vibes All Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Game night boys!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I gotta wrap this fanfic up to start working on the new story 😔😔

“He hasn’t been himself for a while, maybe Thor has a point.”

“We don’t even know how he acts normally. He could be a secret murderer, some Ted Bundy type-”

“Not helping, Clint.”

“Sorry.”

Bruce cleaned his glasses. “We should talk to him about it. Then again he’s not going to be so willing to up open up..”

“So then what do we do? Just lay back while he spirals deeper into whatever unhealthy hole he’s been digging?”

“We wait.”

Bruce wrinkled his nose at Natasha in confusion. “Wait? I feel like if we wait any longer we won’t be able to get through to him.”

“We wait ‘till he reaches his breaking point. He’ll go down hill from there and he won’t be able to deny what’s happening to him.”

“And what if it doesn’t work? What if whatever we do to try and help him just goes up in flames?”

“Then we can say we gave it a good try. For someone who tries to stay calm you sure worry a lot.”

Bruce shrugged. “It helps to worry sometimes. Like in situations like these. Can you go get him? Please?”

When Natasha went to go get the tower’s shadow of a man, he was blasting music so loud to the point it was rattling around small objects. But where was the man himself?

“Jarvis, turn off the music.” The A.I abided to her command, the blaring rock music turning off. She finally took in her surroundings. She’d never seen the workshop disorganized, even for Tony’s standards. She had an inkling on where he was. “Stark? We need to talk to you.”

Silence.

“Where’s Stark?”

“I am afraid he has not permitted me to say that information at this time.”

Natasha walked around the workshop for a while before setting her eyes at an old vintage car. She walked over, holding a wrench in her hands. Tilting her head around the car He wasn’t there. Hmm.

She ended up snooping about his workshop, going through loose blueprints of weaponry and suits. Pulling up a folded piece of paper, she started to open it but set it down when the doors swished open.

“Miss Romanov, it is very rude to snoop around someone’s stuff.” Tony shook a pen he was holding at her. “Didn’t Fury teach your any better?”

“Quite a shame it’s my job to snoop though, isn’t it?”

“Mm, yes. You should’ve been a model. What do you want?”

“Thor‘s been saying some concerning things. And also it’s team building night.”

“God, already? Tell Thor that using lightening to bake pop tarts will not work and will just break something.”

“It’s not that.” Natasha met his eyes. She heard the term ‘thousand yard stare.’ from the younger and newer shield agents when they hanged out with the older, hardened agents. Natasha would only shrug it off with them being over dramatic. Then again, she was used to the emotional burden of hell on earth, she’s seen it tons of time and helped add to it-she wouldn’t even bat an eye to it at this point.

But Tony Stark? The worldwide known rich playboy Tony Stark? Natasha would’ve never bet that he had that stare. He was there, but only physically. Mentally, Stark could’ve been at the corner of the universe for all she knew. Her job, her whole existence, was to read people. She thought she knew Tony, solved him months ago.

Natasha was disappointed in herself for being wrong.

* * *

Tony expected to be pressed to reveal his deepest, buried feelings. He expected to be fussed over like a hurt child. None of that happened. Instead, they just went right into game night. Was this a trap?

Of course it’s a trap, this team would trade him in for one moldy corn chip. Like, why wouldn’t it be a trap? He’s useless, he’s a walking bank for SHIELD and he knows it and he’s useless and everyone hates him and-

“Trivia?” Bruce gave Thor a confused look. “Why Trivia?”

“Why not! It will be a joyous occasion to play together!”

Clint slugged Thor in the arm. “It’s Thor’s turn to pick, doc. We must abide to our god’s wishes. Who wants to go first?”

No one rose to the offer, having no clue to start this out. Clint proudly became the ring leader. “What’s Cap’s favorite color?”

“Blue.” Tony spoke up. “But that’s a no brainer, fucker walks around with that bright blue suit like he’s a male stripper about to put on the show of a lifetime.”

“And a point goes to Tony. Natasha, my favorite person here, keep scores?”

“Make Jarvis do it.”

“Swell point.”

Tony ended up getting a majority of the points for the first round. his most proudest gain was remembering all the words to that horrific theme song they gave Steve during his cute little propaganda shows he put on during the war.

“Brother Stark, you know quite a lot about our Captain.” Thor hummed, impressed by, in Tony’s opinion, cursed knowledge.

“That’s the side affect of living in this bastard’s shadow, isn’t that right man with a plan?” Tony threw all the attention to Tony like a hurdle, looking at him with the made up innocence of a child.

Steve shrugged. “I wouldn’t know, in your words, I was spending time as a capsicle.”

“Smart-ass.”

“Learn from the best.”

Tony threw a throw pillow at him, clapping his hands together after the deed. “Next round, Maestro Clint.”

The next round was for Natasha, who continued looking unimpressed with this whole activity. Not much points were handed out.

The only thing Tony got right was how many languages she spoke. He made a side note to go breaking into the redacted parts of her SHIELD file. Thor was next, sitting there like a big excited puppy trying not to burst.

He would give unintentional tells to everyone in that room participating with how often he would try to not look at them. It was kind of sad, really. Clint was next and that went as smoothly as you’d imagined when you’re dealing with a man who can’t spend five seconds without making a convoluted joke relating to a question.

Tony butted in when he knew it was about to be his turn. “Y’now what, I have a busy day tomorrow. Things to do, people to see- I should go. Besides, anything you want to know about me you can just google or something.”

“Google can’t tell us your emotional status, Tony.”

“Zip it, Rogers. I’m fine. You’re lovely boss is making me see a therapist so that’s about enough sharing I’m willing to do with people I don’t, you know... trust. Now, excuse me while I leave.”

Was that mature of him? No.

Was he proud of probably dampening everyone else’s mood? Not really.

But he wasn’t about to be some stupid emotional chic flic that he watched occasionally and where the main protagonist has some type of breakdown and her friends comfort her. Nah, fuck that.

He’s Tony goddamn Stark and whoever says he’s not okay can have his foot shoved up their ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 💋  
> that’s me kissing yalls head


	35. Plane Ride and.. Riding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they talk about sex on a place because that’s what friends do 😎  
> That’s the highlight of this chapter tune in next time for another shitty one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i HATE SUMMER i HATE IT I AM GOING TO KILL A SMALL FAMILY IN AFRICA SO HELO ME GOD i want winter back i can’t handle this anymore please FUCKCKCK SUMMER D DJEBSNDHHD FUCK 🥺

Tony didn’t go to his next scheduled appointment. He actually didn’t anything for that day. It wasn’t intentional though, he just felt sluggish and.. tired. Tony didn’t remember going to his room but he was there in his bed, laying under the covers and staring at the wall. He’s been unmotivated before but that’s because he just didn’t want to build it do any paperwork. But this? God, he felt unmotivated to even breathe.

 _Pepper would know what was wrong with him_ Tony sourly thought, closing his eyes. This was fine. This bed’s comfy, he had nothing to do for the whole day and he’d explain to what’s-her-namewhy he couldn’t come in today. He’d lock the door and come out only if he absolutely needed too.

A nap didn’t sound so bad right now. Just a nap for a few hours and he’d be right as rain when he woke up.

Yes, that’s sounds nice..

Tony didn’t have a nightmare this time. In fact, he didn’t dream at all. He just closed his eyes and opened them and before he knew it it was night and Jarvis was pressuring him to wake up. The sound didn’t even register to him until he was completely awake. “Jarvis.. what’s happening?”

“I’m quite sorry to wake you sir, but Fury would like to see you all.”

“This late?”

“He claims it is important.”

“Then tell him to come here.” Tony threw the covers over his head, listening to the mechanical whirring of Jarvis which was no doubt a sigh.

“He is here, sir.”

“Oh shit, really?”

Tony, slow as possible, got out the bed, his spike of energy leaving as fast as it came and he was exhausted again as he tugged on his faded M.I.T hoodie and some oiled stained pants. Perfectly dressed at for a visit at two in the morning. Tony’s little remaining energy got drained away as he got closer and closer to the penthouse and where everyone else was waiting on him. “Ah, Nicky. Have you come to pay child support? Where’s Thor?”

“You look like you’re about to collapse, Stark, take a seat. Thor left for Asgard a day ago.”

He was asleep for a day? New record. 

Tony took up the suggestion, sitting begrudgingly next to Steve. Partially because he wanted to distract him and partially because..

..

He wanted to distract him.

“Someone of ours has gone missing when he was scoping out a possibly new terrorist group. Just north of Germany.”

“Germany? That’s new. Cappy, sweetie, you’ve been to Germany right?”

“Yes.”

“Not going to elaborate?”

“No, I’d rather not.”

“You’re less fun than Pepper.” Tony felt nauseous once he mentioned her name, sinking into his mind and beating himself up on _why in the ever loving fuck he would mention her name_. Fury swept his mention under the rug though, throwing a file into the table just for Natasha to grab it before anyone else.

“You’ll find photos of what the missing Agent took before he disappeared. I need you to infiltrate the base and either find him alive or dead.”

“Ever the optimist, Fury.”

“Agent Barton, if I wanted a stupid ass opinion, I’d ask you for one. Or, better yet, I’d ask Stark.”

”My opinions are valued, thank you.”

* * *

They weren’t given much time to get ready for a fifteen hour flight to Leipzig, Germany, Tony telling Dummy and You that he’d melt them down if they broke anything while he was gone.

The team was only a good thirty minutes into the flight and Tony was already struggling to stay awake. The helmet was on so he could hide the fact he kept on dozing off. Clint came in at his last stand, asking the world’s most unprofessional question in a work setting. 

”Okay, everyone. If you had to fuck anyone here right now, like- life or death situation, who would it be?”

Clint caused everyone to either groan or criticize him but he persisted, much to Tony's delight. “No, really! I’d say Nat. I mean she’d probably kill me afterwards but I’d die a satisfied man.”

”Bruce.” Natasha eventually said after a prolonged silence. “And no, I will not explain.” 

”Uhhh- I’m opting out of this..” 

”Second that.”

”Well that leaves you, Tony. Don’t be too picky.” 

Tony arose from his trance of staring at his gloved hands. Taking off the helmet, he balanced it on two fingers. “Alas Legolas, I am afraid I’ll have to give my heart and soul to our local old man.” He tossed the helmet over onto Steve’s lap, batting his eyelashes. “It’s just something about those baby blues, I must say.” 

“Why do you constantly flirt with me?”

”Mm, why wouldn’t I? We got a fifteen hour plane ride, I’m going to have my fun. So kids, let’s play would you rather!”

”I can’t help but feel this is a trap.”

”Natasha, ye of little faith. First question, would you rather die a slow and painful death or be _wrecked_ by America’s Golden Boy over here.” Tony winked at the butt of his jokes, watching as the bored expression Steve was wearing turn into embarrassment and redness. 

“Y’now what?” Clint said thoughtfully. “I think I’ll go with the slow painful death. What about you Bruce?” 

”Arsenic or cyanide?” 

“You two just don’t know how to live. He’s a gentle giant but I bet he knows how to party a little.” Natasha offered, pointing a finger at him. “Have you seen him shirtless?” 

”Hands off Romanov, this hunk of Adonis is mine. I inherited him, thank you very much. Isn’t that right lover.” Tony rolled the R flirtatiously, leaning into him.

”Tony, you’re going to give the poor guy a heart attack.” Bruce chuckled. “Give him mercy.”

”No, don’t. I’m enjoying this show. I wanna see how red his face can get. I’m invested.” 

”Of course you’re invested Clint. You’re a heathen.” Tony patted Steve’s chest. “All I’m saying folks, is that I’d one hundred percent fuck Steve. There’s no downside, I don’t see it. I’d ride him till the sun came up. End of story.”

That sparked a weird, small debate. Tony and Natasha taking the side of no downside while Clint and Bruce took the dangers. Steve just sat there and looked pretty. Embarrassed. Pretty embarrassed. 

”He’s a big boy! He can control his strength!” Natasha argued. Tony backed her up. 

”I’ve seen this man draw the most smallest details without even _chipping_ the lead! He’d be careful enough not to hurt me in bed.”

”But what if he breaks the bed? Or has way more stamina than you? Which, of course, he does!”

”Bruce is right, he may be careful but he can’t be careful all the time!” 

”Then let’s ask him! Steve, Steven, Stevie Wonder. My sweet, summer child. Per say you’re having sex. You’d be careful enough to not hurt ‘em right?” 

A tense silence fell over the cabin as Steve fiddled with the Iron Man helmet, tapping his fingers against it. “I.. Yeah? Why wouldn’t I?” 

Tony laughed, flipping off Clint. “Told ya, bitch!” He high-fived Natasha and whooped. “He’s a giant baby! Would never hurt someone.”

”Well, this debate had been fun in its own weird way. But I am going someplace quiet to read.” Bruce stood up from the seat, going into one of the small rooms on the plane. Tony lost interest in the rest of conversations that took place, offering half assed responses when prompted. He leaned his head back against the chair, closing his eyes and letting the nagging feeling of sleep settle in. He had a cranky wake up when he was shaken.

Steve apologized, placing the helmet in front of him. “We’re here. So if you could stop.. almost drooling on my shoulder.”

”Not my fault you make a great pillow. Everyone else?”

”Outside waiting on us.”

Tony settled back down his hair before putting on the helmet. “Alright, lover boy. Let’s go snoop.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jussttt... few more chapters..  
> then... new fanfic... continuing from this one... for the other m..ovies...
> 
> mmmmm.... lea..ve... comm...ents.. love you.. all.. :)


	36. Free Falling, But Not Really

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 👉😎👉

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT ME BOY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY  
> legally he’s 50 can’t believe it so old so tender 😳💕💕 can we get a “Happy Birthday you fried bitch” in the comments?

Tony planted himself on the roof, flora and vines wrapping along all the things he needed to get rid off. Tugging away the plants, he opened up the panel and winced at the amount of wires tangled together. “Red, white, and blue. Wait never mind there’s green and yellow wires. Almost had all of our local apple pie’s colors.”   
  
“Please just find the right wires to cut and spare is from your jokes.” Natasha said tersely into the comms, making Tony huff. 

“I’m not appreciated enough in this damn team. I am fucking hilarious, I’ll have you know.” Tony cut away at the red and yellow wires, giving Natasha a thumbs up from her station below the roof. “You got ten minutes before the backup generator pops up.” 

“Can’t you disable that?”

”They got that inside and, gasp surprise! We’re outside. So Cap’n and Bruce are staying out here while we have a cute little play date. Sounds fun?”

”It’ll only be fun if you don’t fuck anything up and follow my instructions, Stark. If that isn’t too difficult for you.” 

”Debbie downer strikes again.” Tony said under his breath, opening the now unlocked doors. Despite the sun flowing into the corridor, it still was pretty dark. He was expecting panicked voices, or talking of any kind. But it was dead quiet. Natasha went in first, looking around the barely visible walls.

An annoyed scoff. “This place was deserted. They knew we were coming. Call Fury.” 

Tony did just that, announcing their small, little problem.

“Yes, I know. Well then what the hell do you want us to do? Well we can’t just stay here stranded in Germany!”   
  


Everyone else kept to themselves as Natasha figured out what to do next with Fury on the phone. Tony was drawing in the dampened dirt with a stick. An artist, he was not. But he’s allowed to dabble in activities he sucks at. 

“This was a waste of time. A complete waste of my time.” Natasha picked up Tony’s stick, pointing towards the direction of the plane before breaking it. “We’re leaving.”

Tony’s noise of offense was buried under Steve’s questions. “So he sent us out here having no clue if people were actually there?”

”Listen, I don’t know either. Tell it to him once we’re back.”

* * *

They didn’t go back though. No, no that would be way too simple and quick. Too much of a simple ending. Tony’s life wasn’t even simple. He was getting motion sickness in the cabin, keeping his head down and planted against the table. 

The rumbling wasn’t helping either, Tony asking Clint to just set the damn thing to auto-pilot.

”I am confident in my abilities, focus on not vomiting.”

Tony gave a half-assed peace sign to Bruce when he patted his back. Of course, things were going to smoothly. 

Something went _boom_ suspiciously.   
Suspiciously meaning loudly and scaring the crap out of everyone, smoke rising from one of the wings and oh.. oh that is not good one bit.

His motion sickness was really kicking in now.

”Clint, you got this handled?!” Bruce called out in panic. “I should’ve stayed at the tower, this is what I get for getting involved-“

”Brucie, you’re fine. Clint’s got this covered. Isn’t that right Jarvis?” 

”Losing altitude.” Jarvis replied. “1,000 feet... 900 feet.”

As Jarvis continued his threatening countdown, Clint stumbled out of the cockpit, holding his bleeding arm. “I’ve been locked out. I tried aiming for the trees but I don’t know if-“

”200 fe-eeee-“ Jarvis voice was cut off. Whoever did this shut down communications and Jarvis. Great. He might die today and he’s have to die with the thought that someone broke though his A.I’s defense systems. Glancing out the window, the trees grew closer and closer before colliding against the metal of the plane, breaking off and scratching the wings. Everyone was effectively knocked around, the plane crashing into the brown and green ground of the forest floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 👈😎👈 i have no clue what im doing


	37. Stranded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no❤️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me coming back to this after three months: 👉👁👄👁👉
> 
> Y’all, greeting me: 👈👁👄👁👈
> 
> happy late birthday Stevie boy the only good thing about July Fourth this year :)

Everyone was fine, surprisingly, though Tony scraped his knee and was making dramatics of it. Listen, it stung like a bitch and he was in his rights to whine about it.   
  


“I blame Clint. For a bird he sucks at flying.” Tony grumbled, tapping on the faceplate of his suit after he gathered all of the pieces. “Jarvis, you up?”

”Says the guys who’s supposed _smartest_ artificial intelligence got hacked- hacked?! How does that even happen?!” Clint threw a pebble at the back of Tony’s head, scoffing.

”Hey! First of all, just cause he’s smart doesn’t mean he’s not prone to getting his systems all messy.” Tony said defensively, rubbing the spot the rock landed. “Jarvis, you gotta get up buddy.”

”I-I- _IIIIIIII-_ am awake, sir. My firewall has been taken d- _ddddd-_ own.” Jarvis lagged out, not making Tony’s concern for his wellbeing any better.

Tony mumbled to himself as everyone conversed behind him. He knew Jarvis was well enough to send a message to Fury that they were fucked up in the forest of _Wherever-The-Fuck_ , Germany. He caught snippets of the conversations while he rewired the suit.

”Of course this was foul play! A plane just doesn’t conveniently fall out the sky-“

”Well no shit but the question is who knocked us out the sky, dumb-ass.”

“Well what does Bruce think?”

”Don’t-.. drag me into this. Steve, help them out.”

While Steve attempted to be a mediator between the bickering Natasha and Clint, Tony was attempting to rewire Jarvis well enough to get at least one job done.

“Jarvis, send Fury a passive aggressive message to come pick us up with an explanation.” 

”I’ll try, sir.” Jarvis said slowly, barely getting that sentence out. The AI’s damage went farther than just a firewall breached which didn’t calm his nerves at at all.

He ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. “Okay! Everything’s great. Okay, not really but it’ll be okay-“ He mumbled to himself. He needed a drink. Shit, he’ll even take Dummy’s haphazardly made smoothie that no doubt had oil and glass shards in there with metal shavings for flavor.   
  


It was the afternoon.

It’d be night soon.

Night? Yeah, night. They should find a town. That would make the most sense, wait until Fury’s dumb ass picked them up. Or the unfortunate alternative, they get killed.

 _Jesus Christ_ , what the hell was wrong with him? It’s a few nights in Germany it’s not like they’re going to get gutted by a pig by some random asshole. 

Tony turned his eyes to Bruce who was walking over. “You’re overthinking, aren’t you?”

”No, because overthinking is for indecisive people.” Tony smirked. “And for you, you already took the role of indecisiveness on the team.”

”Is Jarvis-“

”Broken? A little bit but he’ll be good, made him send a message to our favorite furious fucker.” Tony wrapped his arm around Bruce. “But we, should actually find a city or something- because it’s night and I’m pretty sure Germany has bears. Even worse, boars.”

”They don’t have- wait.. boars? What’s so dangerous about boars?”

”Brucie, have you _never_ seen Old Yeller before? Where the dog gets his furry ass handed to him by boars the dog was gutted, Bruce-“

”Okay, Tony.”

”-Gutted!”

* * *

Tony had to haul the suit with a rope he found in the slashed up plane, carrying it halfway down the path they’ve found. Jarvis was capable of walking on his own but judging how his whole mainframe was fried inside the suit. But for now it was like trying to haul a 225 pound child who was exhausted behind him.

”Do you want me to carry it?” Steve offered gently, looking down at him. Tony only have him a quick glance of offense.

”I’m a big boy, Cap. I can carry this all by myself.” Tony said in a teasing tone. After that, the rest of a walk was continued in relative silence, only being broken by the loud and shrill bird calls echoing throughout the treetops. 

It just started to become night when they reached the city of Leipzig. They found a hotel to check in for the night with just enough rooms for the the five of them.

Almost enough, actually. There was three rooms. An argument began that lasted shorter than it was started with Natasha getting a room of her own, while Clint and Bruce had to share one.

Which.. meant..

”No! Ohhh- no! There’s no way I’m sharing a bed with him!” Tony complained. “Lemme bunk with Brucie, I bet he’s a great at cuddling.”

”It’s decided, Stark. Goodnight.” Natasha said sternly, talking to him as if he was a kid. 

“But-“

”Goodnight!”

Tony huffed as Natasha slammed the door shut. Turning his attention to Steve, he wasted little time in tormenting his bunk mate. “This is reading out like a story. Look at us- sharing a bed at the dead of night. No teammates around, just us two and my judgmental A.I.” 

“Go to bed, Tony.”

”I swear to God, no one is fun on this team.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for just dipping on y’all 🥺👉👈 got self conscious bout my writing ability but I kinda broke out of it by saying “it is what it is”  
> Also I didn’t mean to use the “And they had to share a bed trope”
> 
> But I did 
> 
> I’m sorry 😔
> 
> N e ways Black Lives Matter, please sign petitions, defund the police and All Cops are Bastards 🙈


	38. Two Bros Share a Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bed bath and beyond but ignore the bath and beyond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao I disappeared again I’m so sorry I’ve been super bummed out lately from events :’)

Tony found himself staring up at the stippled ceiling, focusing on the faintest outline of the low spinning fan. All was quiet with the exception of Steve’s soft breathing. Closing his eyes, he tried to focus on the breathing next to him. It wasn’t helping, though. His mind was already racing.

It was his fault that they’re all here.He should’ve made sure Jarvis was alright and he should’ve been more aware of his surroundings and they should’ve got their earlier and-

“Tony?”

”Hm?”

”Are you okay?”

“Tch- what makes you ask that? Bit intrusive don’t you think?”

”I don’t know, your heart’s beating fast.”

Tony moved a hesitant hand to his chest, tracing it over the reactor lightly before resting it lightly on its destination. “Huh, so it is.”

”Do you want to-“

”No. Go back to sleep, buddy.”

Steve decided not to, despite Tony’s dismay. “If you need to talk about anything, really, I’m open for it.”

”Ew, keep your mushy baby feelings to yourself. Talk to Bruce about it, he likes discussing feelings.”

”I would, if I wasn’t sleeping with you tonight.”

Tony raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you hitting on me?”

”I- wait, I- I didn’t mean it like that, I mean that we- that we-“ As Steve spluttered desperately to explain himself with a red face, Tony let himself have a reluctant chuckle.

”I know what you meant, Cap. Settle down.” Tony stretched. “This day was a bust wasn’t it?”

”You could say that.” Steve muttered in thought, sitting up and resting his back against the headboard.

”She’s gonna be mad at me.”

“Who?”

”My therapist. I’m letting her think she’s getting someplace with me.” Tony hummed out proudly, looking up at him. Steve only smiled back.

”What if she’s letting you think that?”

”Pff- that’ll imply she’s better at mind games than me.”

”She _is_ a therapist, Tony.”

”Shut it, Rogers.” Tony grumbled, hitting him the leg. “She’s not breaking through.”

”Sure.”

* * *

Tony ended up sleeping, waking up with a harsh wheeze and a sharp pain jilting through his ribcage. “Shit-“ 

The bed was noticeably lacking another person, nowhere to be seen in the room but the door was ajar. Struggling to his legs, Tony stumbled to the bathroom, going into the mirror and lifting up his shirt. The skin around the ark was reddened and irritated. This happened usually every other week but god, was this not a good time. Turning on the sink, he grabbed a hand towel and ran it over the cold water, soaking it before resting the cloth over his chest. He’d have to get a heated towel back home later.

After a good five minutes, the swelling went down enough for him to actually function. Leaving the room and closing the door, Tony wandered around the unfamiliar halls in mild confusion before eventually finding the exit. “I’ve arisen.”

”Regrettably.” Natasha said quickly, giving him a quick glance over. “Fix your hair, it’s a mess.”

”I think he looks cute.” Clint smiled tiredly at Tony before going back to throwing knives at an innocent tree. “Really brings out the Bambi eyes.”

”You’re the worst, all of you are simply the worst.” Tony ran a hand over and through his hair, trying to make it obey his physics. “Fury said when he’s picking us up from daycare?”

”Few hours.”

”A few hours?” Tony frowned at Natasha’s response. “That’s so long.”

“You could go explore.” Bruce suggested. “This is a pretty big place and with interesting things to look at.”

”Will you come?”

”Uhh.. no. I don’t know what they got here.” He laughed weakly. “Maybe Clint-“

”Nah.” Tony glared at Clint before setting his eyes on his one and only favorite person to torment, to bother, to even- dare he say- pester. 

“Steve, darling Steve.” He sauntered over slowly, hands behind his back and a feigned look of innocence on his face. “I want to wreak havoc on this city, Stevie. C’mon.”

”Go ask Nat.” Steve sighed, not even bothering to look down at him. Tony wouldn’t rest. 

”If I asked her she’d wouldn’t let me have any fun!” He groaned.

”He’s got you there, Rogers. Go take him, maybe he’ll tire himself out.”

”I’m not appreciating being treated like a complaining kid.” Tony scoffed, crossing his arms as Steve gave in and agreed to go with the mechanic.

”Then stop acting like one, now let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao I need an editor any of y’all tryna become one for me 😳😳  
> N e ways, kinda a slow chapter so sorry just wanted a chill one to get back in the swing of things. As always, leave kudos comments and criticism please :)


	39. 👁👄👁

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> author's note baebee

Bet yall thought I dipped on this story huh?

**_W R O N G_ **

I just started 10th grade and lemme tell ya they been giving homegirl a shit ton of work  
  
Also i turned 15 on september 8th so ynow we out here growing but yeah i swear ill give yall some sweet sexy content soon okay mwah ily


	40. Haunting Me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmmmmtherapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha we back babey

“Soooo.. can you speak German?”

“Enough to keep me out of trouble.”

“God, you’re boring. I’ve met rocks with more interesting personalities.”

“You just don’t have an off switch.”

Tony blinked in surprise, a scoff yanking its way past his lips. “I have an off switch! You’re the one who doesn’t know how to have any fun.”

“Didn’t know I was here to entertain anybody.”

“Well you are, and it’s me.”

Steve didn’t talk much after that but then again Tony didn’t bother making any other comments. They stopped at a small park nearly empty, sitting on the free swing sets. The silence was comfortable, not forced or awkward.

Until Steve said something.

“How are you doing?”

“Hmm?”

“With.. everything. You know, you’ve had a rough month and-”

“Don’t say it.”

“We’re teammates, and I’m allowed to worry about you.”

“God, not this bullshit again.” Tony stood up from the swing, starting to walk back. Steve trailed behind him.

“You’re acting like nothing happened!”

“Maybe because I want things to go back to normal? You aren’t my shrink, Steve.”

“God knows you aren’t taking yours seriously!”

“Get off your high horse, Rogers. I don’t need you to worry about me.”

* * *

It took another five hours for them to be picked up. Tony didn’t offer much in terms of talking, and he definitely didn’t speak to Steve.

It was the next day, and his therapist wouldn’t give him a day’s break, being expected to come in.

And of course, he did.

“Mr. Stark, glad to see you in one piece.”

“Mrrr.”

“Well, you know the drill. Let’s start. How have things been?”

“Tiring.” He admitted quietly, rubbing his face. “How many sessions do we have left?”

“As many as director Fury says. Or how much I chose. Now, why have things been tiring?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh.. well, let’s do a mental check in. How does that sound.”

“Hah. Like I have a choice.”

“On a scale from one to five, are you happy?”

“Two.”

“..two?”

Tony shrugged, covering his mouth as he looked towards a weird painting that was painfully colorful, obviously trying to brighten the seriousness of the room. He heard the all too familiar etching of a pen on paper.

“Alright.. let’s talk about your trauma.”

“How the fuck did we go from how happy I am to trauma?”

“There’s no point in beating around the bush. You know I know that you have underlying issues you refuse to address.”

“I-”

Amelia flipped through the the thickening folder before taking out some sheets of paper and listing off her work. “Brash. Irrational, no concern for his safety or wellbeing. Doesn’t admit when he needs help. Short tempered, very irritable.”

“No I’m not.”

“-Also in denial.”

Tony glared at her.

“I can’t help you unless you let me. You know that.”

The smart thing to do would be for him to just say what was gnawing at him. But he didn’t.

In fact, he didn’t say anything for the rest of the session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! Hope y’all have been doing good :)


	41. I’ll be Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hnrhrnrgrhrgrhrrrr soff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter baebeee 😋😋

The second Tony woke up he’d knew it’d be a bad day. Sure, he had a lot of those lately but... this one hit different. For starters, his arm was acting up again- pains ricocheting along his nerves if he moved it too often. His chest felt like it was collapsing, feeling the arc rub against him painfully.

And worst of all he felt terribly lonely.

A person who didn’t hate themself, Tony thought, would take a sick day. Relax, maybe drink some tea. Take a fucking nap.

“But I am not one of those people..” He muttered out bitterly to himself, throwing out notes and scrapped projects.

“Not one of what?”

“Jesus Christ, Nat. Ever heard of knocking?” Tony hissed defensively. “I could’ve been doing inhuman projects down here.”

“Well, lucky me that you aren’t.” Nat dragged a finger along his desk, rubbing the dust between the said finger and thumb. “This place is getting pretty dirty, Stark.”

“I’ve been.. busy.”

“With what? You sure as hell haven’t been building anything, or making anything ever since the f-“

“Don’t say it.”

“This isn’t healthy.”

“Hah!” Tony stood up from his desk, walking towards the door and scoffing. “Healthy? I’m perfectly healthy! I don’t need you to worry about me. Besides, we all know why you bother checking up on me. Fury likes his mechanics functioning, doesn’t he?”

Nat didn’t say anything back.

And yeah, it kinda hurt knowing that’s how Natasha saw him. But then again could he be surprised?

Tony took the elevator up and he didn’t bother waiting for her, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he leaned against the wall.

He reached the main floor too quickly in his opinion.

Grumbling in response to Bruce’s good morning, he wasted no time in starting the coffee machine. Pressing the brew button, pain jolted up his arm, a quiet hiss leaving his lips.

“You okay?”

“Yeah- don’t worry.” Tony forced out, grabbing a cup but dropping it- the poor cup shattering on impact. Bruce was frowning at him at this point.

“Is it your arm?”

“I said I’m fine.”

“Humor me.” Bruce slowly took his swollen arm, and pressing down where it seemed worse.

“Fuck!-“ Tony yanked away his arm, glaring at the man who offended him so. “The fuck you do?”

“What did you do? Your arm’s set all wrong!” Bruce took his arm again, running a finger along the length where he broke his arm from...

“I could’ve figured that out.” He scoffed bitterly. “It’s fine. I got it handled.”

“You’re going to have to get surgery if it continues healing like this. You’ll get a malunion.”

Tony groaned, pulling away his arm. “God, fine. I’ll wear the damn cast again. Just stop lecturing me..” He huffed, massaging his sore shoulder. He left, leaving Bruce to clean up the shattered cup and to turn off the coffee.

* * *

Tony didn’t turn up for bonding night.

He wanted to, don’t get him wrong. He actually craved the company but..

He liked the spot on the floor in his barely used room. Besides, Tony genuinely felt like shit and he couldn’t be bothered to move.

Tony didn’t know how long he’d been staring at the same patch of flooring but he was snapped of his trance but Steve shaking him and-

Aw fuck, it’s Steve.

“Uhm.. Hi? Why are you shaking me-“

“Because I’ve been calling your name for almost five minutes now. What are you doing on the floor?”

“Good question.” Tony allowed Steve to help him to his feet and to sit on the bed. He felt it dip as the shoulder sat next to him.

“We need to talk.”

“Oh god, are you breaking up with me?” Tony joked, giving him a sad excuse for a smile.

“Can you be serious for just a minute?”

Tony looked down quickly. “Okay, fine.”

“I know you’re not okay Tony.”

“Not this again-“

“And I know you’ll probably never open up to any of us. And you’ll probably die before I understand you. But.. if you ever do change your mind, I’ll be here okay? I won’t force you to say what’s been bothering you but I’ll always stay here and listen.”

Hooo.. kay. Tony wasn’t expecting that and- wow, his eyes stung. Nope. Nuh-uh. He ain’t crying. No sir. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He choked out awkwardly. “Uhm..”

Steve stood up, patting his head and on any other day Tony would’ve chewed him out but instead he leaned up into it for a brief moment.

And Steve left.

And Tony was okay with that because he knew he’d return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 👁👄👁 no but fr ill 200% need an editor for the next part of the series because I wanna give yall the best 
> 
> N e ways thanks for joining me for part one of the “Tony Stark Going Through It” saga! See y’all in da next one 😋😋😋


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